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Daniel in the Lions Den 

Came out unharmed ! 
THIS WAS A MIRACLE ! ! ! 



II 



YOU 

Will feel better if you take a 
75c LUNCHEON 



or 



$1.00 DINNER 
at 

Ye Rose Tree Den 



i— 



5- £. 1b\>be 

©pttcian anfc 3eweler 
♦ ♦ ♦ 

EXPERT WATCH REPAIRING 

Broken Lenses Accurately Matched. 
Bring the Pieces. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

13 pleasant Street 



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^•-■■M-m ■■•^^■<<-mim-<<-^Mt-f*mm-ii-* 



— I 



Masonic Street 



Northampton 



PAPER CITY ENGRAVING CO., Inc. 

MAKERS OF HIGH GRADE 

Plates for Printing 

ILLUSTRATORS AND ARTISTS 

Radcliffe Building 
Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. 



ACADEMY OF MUSIC 
Northampton 

THE HOME OF THE 
BEST PHOTOPLAYS 

Showing the Best Stars in the Film 
World 

Visit the Academy When in Northampton 
USUAL POPULAR PRICES 



Landlady — Sorry, but the coffee is exhausted 
Weary Stude — I 'm not surprised. It has been 
-ery weak lately. 

— Gargoyle. 



AMHERST LAUNDRY 

Prices adopted hy best Laundries in Springfield 
Hartford and New Haven, etc. 

WET WASH 

4c. a pound, minimum 80c. 35c extra for drying 

ROUGH DRY 

7c. a pound, lc additional each piece. Minimum 50c. 

WASH AND IRON 

Flat work 7c. a pound, lc. additional each piece. 
Starched Goods at list prices 

FAMILY WASH 

(all sorts of work) 7c. a pound, lc. additional each 
piece. Starched pieces at list prices. Bodywork 7c. pc. 

Work Guaranteed — Prompt Delivery 



„_.,_! 



Are you Mrs. Pillington-Haycock?" 
; No." 
'Well, I am, and this is her pew." 

— Princeton Tiger. 



>n«E>04^V-<>4l 



Get the Habit," 



LUNCH AT THE 
LUNCHEONETTE 



SODAS = = SUNDAES 



CANDIES 

Page & Shaw, Durand's, Crane's 



KINGSLEY'S, Inc. 

The Attractive Store 
140 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



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Ano rhaff a bit, 

Attn joke a bit in aeaaoit. 




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QUID AGTS AGE, AGGIE. 



Literary Department 
F. J. Binks, '20 Editor. 
B. F. Jackson, '22, 
Associate Editor, 



Editor-in-Chief, 
JOHN A. CRAWFORD. 

Business Department 
D. C. Douglass, '21, Manager, 
L. P. Martin, 21, Advertising, 



Art Department 

G. A. Smith, '20, Editor, 

M. P. Webster, '20, 

E. B. Labrovitz, '21. 



The Aggie Squib is published six times a year by students of the Massachusetts Agricultural 
College. It is entered as second-class mail at Amherst, Mass. All business communications should 
be addressed to the Business Manager; all literary communication and drawings to the Editor-in- 
Chief. Terms, $1.25 per year; 25 cents per copy. 



Vol. IV. 



NOVEMBER, 1919. 



No. 1' 



BACK from the land of oblivion — away from 
the suppression of war-time necessities- 
out from the multitude of dead activities, 
Squibby has returned. Even as Richard-The- 
Lion-Hearted was found by a song in the prison 
of a disdainful enemy, so was Squibby 's plain- 
tive appeal for audience heard from among the 
dull walls of care. 



greets his old friends, and makes acquaintance 
with the new faces. 

Squibby wishes to thank all who have made 
his reappearance on this campus possible. With- 
out the unquestioning support of those who dared 
to sign the subscription blanks, he could not have 
been without the means of returning. 



His ransom was collected on subscription 
blanks. His passage back was paid in prank and 
jest. Now he faces for the first time since 
December, 1917, the Aggie student body. He 



In return for this trust, Squibby promises to 
place before the student body the best of wit that 
can be found, on this campus, on other campuses, 
and in the country at large. 



THE SQUIB- 



ON the cover of this issue, there appears a 
question mark. It is the sign of the times. 
The question mark is the cloud on men's 
visions today. With minds stimulated by war's 
emergencies, men are beginning to look critically 
at existing institutions. Governments are not sat- 
isfied with the examples of past administrations. 
They are pondering upon newly aroused doubts. 
The legislature is the storm center of a thousand 
schemes for betterment. The executives clamor 
for more power. The court even, the mirror of 
the law, shows ideals only partially carried out. 

Even educational institutions of the country, 
of all institutions the most difficult to change, are 
falling within the kindled scrutiny of dissatisfied 
society. Methods of instruction, subjects in the 
curricula, competency of teachers, requirements 
for entrance, classification for entrance, are all be- 
ing considered in a new light. The question mark 
bores more and more deeply. 

But what is this question mark that is being 
applied? It is not merely a question of wages, of 
adjustment of hours for work and play, not mere- 
ly of assignment for study and recitation. There 
is a question of principle, of basic, bedrock, fund- 
amental, principle, that looms before men. Men 
are testing their relations with one another on the 
basis of "Is it right?" 

Probing for a foundation for living is not a 
fad. Men will continue to question for sometime 
to come. Not until the problem is solved to the 
satisfaction of all, or until men tire of the subject, 
will there be a dimming of this x-ray on society. 



The class of men that is best able to keep alive 
the subject of "Is it right?" and at the same time 
is able to mold the experience of nations and the 
knowledge of ages into an answer to the question, 
is the class of college men. With the end in view 
of some day pressing out the nation's difficulties, 
the college man does well to look about him and 
question what he sees. Does he himself think? 
Does he have time to think? Do professors, who 
are preparing him that he may solve the question, 
"Is it right?" make him think? Does the admin- 
istration of the college offer courses that train 
him to think, or that even allow him to think? Or 
is college merely a place to rake up the dry leaves 
of information? 

The student may consider not only his schol- 
astic relations in college life but also his social re- 
lations. Is the basis of initiation and the training 
of freshmen for the support of college activities 
founded on the right principle ? Do classes main- 
tain toward each other relations depending on 
relative merit or upon priority of arrivals? Does 
the student government use policies because they 
were used before or because they are policies best 
adapted to the situation? 

There are questions to be answered by the col- 
lege man concerning this college life. He should 
learn to answer them while he may be directed by 
older minds in the exercise of judgment. College 
men, are you abreast of the times in considering 
the advantages offered by your college on the 
basis of the right principle? 

S ? S 



? 



IN A ROADSTER. 



He — Mm-mm ' 
She — Mmm. 
Brakes. 



9 



-Ex. 



"WILL YOU MEET THEM? 
Someone told me 

This story about Aggie : 

* * # 

A stranger entered our campus 

* # * 

And he saw 

* # # 

Some Aggie students. 

* * # 

There were Freshmen and 

* # # 

There were Sophomores and 

* * # 

Juniors and Seniors. 

*.Jf. JL 

TP ^P 

He felt out of place — 

JjF Jjp Jjp 

That he didn't belong 

* # * 

In that crowd. 

^p *jp * 

He had only taken 

About three steps 

* # * 

Beyond the first "numerals 

^p •JF 4f 

When someone said "Hi," 

* # # 

And before he realized it 

* * # 

He answered "Hi." 

TP "W "Jp" 

A little further on 

•?P "SP *7P 

He met some more students 

* * # 

And they all said "Hi" 

* * * 

And his heart thrilled 

* # # 

As he answered "Hi," 

And he thought 

* * # 

He was in place 

And he belonged. 

* * # 

And a Freshman 

* * # 

Saluted him 

* * # 

And he felt sure 



That he belonged 

* -y- j£ 

tp ^p 

And he felt good. 

* # # 

He talked with a Senior 

* * * 

And the Senior found he was 

* # # 



THE SQUIB- 




Coed Que&n 

A graduate of Otty-Notty 

* # # 

And the Otty-Notty man said 

* # # 

One thing 



Didn't seem natural — 

So the Senior asked 

* # 

"What is that?" 

* * 

And he answered 

* * 

"Everybody says 'Hi' 

* # 

To everybody else 

* * 

Except the Co-eds." 

* # 

Are the Co-eds bashful 

* # 

Or are the boys? 



THE SQUIB- 



$300.00 REWARD $300.00 

Will the person who removed the grand opera 
cat from our midst please call at Squibby's office 
and receive the unbounded admiration and cheer 
of the sleepless sufferers ? A reward will be given 
to anyone producing evidence to convict whoever 
was responsible for the cat in the first place. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 
TAKE HER, QUICK- 

She said, "I must ask papa," so I telephoned 
him. I said, "May I marry your daughter?'' he 
says : ' ' Certainly, who are you ? ' ' 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

BY WEIGHT- 
'S — Which will you have, apple pie or 
pumpkin ? 

'23— Which is the largest ? 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

HAD A CLINCH TOO. 

Poor Supporter — How did the informal come 
out? 

Social Light — There were several hand-to- 
hand encounters. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 
AT ANY HOUSE. 

Student — "How much for a room?" 
Housekeeper — "Two dollars up." 
Student — "But I am a student." 
Housekeeper— " Oh, well two dollars down." 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

AGGRAVATION. 

Lady to boy with catapult : — ' ' That 's a thing 
I never could do — hit a harmless little bird." 

Boy: — "I can't either." 

— American Boy. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

13:52 Z. M. 

1920— "What's the latest fiction you've 
read?" 

1921— "The C. V. time-table." 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

A MATTER OP CHOICE. 

A woman asked a very busy car conductor at 
which end of the car she should get off. 
"Either end, mum; both ends stop." 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

MOST ECONOMICAL DEGREE. 

Neighbor — So your son got his B. A. and his 
M. A. 

Father — Yes, but his PA still supports him. 

—Ex. 



DISILLUSION. 

Small — What is the difference between a 
vision and a sight? 

Talk — Before you marry a woman she is a 
vision. 

Small— Yes? 

Talk — And after you get her she's a sight. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

AMEN! 

One evening her father came suddenly into the 
parlor while they were both sitting on one chair. 
He said: "When I courted my wife, she sat on 
one side of the room and I on the other." The 
young man replied: "If I had been courting 
your wife, that is what I should have done, too. ' '' 

♦ ♦ ♦ 
POOR THING! 

He — I hear you are engaged. 

She — Yes ; I suppose a lot of men will be made 
miserable when I marry. 

He — Why, how many men are you going to 
marry ? 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

NO JOKE EITHER. 

First runner: — What place did you draw? 
Second — They were not giving them out when 
I came in. 




GRAFTED. 

Fresh — Do they raise peaches on the Mt. 
Holyoke farm? 

Junior — A few, but those usually pair off. 



POOR RETURNS. 

Jim — Why is the leading lady in such a 
temper? 

Jams — She got only nine bouquets over the 
footlights. 

Jim — Great Scott ! Isn 't that enough ? 

Jams — No ; she paid for ten. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

DIVISION OF LABOR AND LAND. 

Hubby — When I go to heaven I'll find out if 
Bill Shakespeare wrote all his own plays. 

Wifey — But suppose Shakespeare isn't in 
heaven? 

Hubby — Then you find out. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

THE HORRID THING. 

He — Then your refusal to marry me is final? 
She — Absolutely. Shall I return your letters? 
He — Please. There's some good material in 
them that I can use again. 



WASN'T THAT THE IVORY ONE? 

: 'Ma, when was your wooden wedding?" 
: 'It was when I married your father, Bobby 

— Cartoons Magazine. 



THE SQUIB- 



THE DIFFERENCE. 

When a displomat says yes, he means perhaps. 
When he says perhaps, he means no. 
When he says no. he 's no diplomat. 
When a lady says no, she means perhaps. 
When she says perhaps, she means yes. 
When she says yes, she's no lady. 



Briggs had been knocked out by an automo- 
bile, and when he regained consciousness several 
days later he claimed to have been in heaven. 

"How did it impress you?" asked a friend. 

"Well," was the answer, "I was surprised at 
some who weren't there, secondly I was sur- 
prised at some who were there, but most of all 
was I surprised at being there myself." 



THE IRONY OF FATE. 

Nice Old Lady — Will you kindly tell me if the 
lady who writes '"The Mother's Page" every 
week in } T our paper is in; I want to tell her how 
much I have enjoyed reading her articles on "The 
Evening Hours in the Nursery." 

Office Boy — That's him over there with the 
pink shirt, smokin' a pipe. 

— Minneapolis Tribune. 



TRADE HER IN, SON. 

Bill— I hear you are divorcing the partner of 
your joys and woes. 

Fred — Yes, that's true. 

Bill — I always thought you had a model wife. 

Fred — Yes, but she's an 1873 model. 



ALL STUCK UP ! 

She laid her head upon his breast, 
The color left her cheek; 

But on the collar of his coat — 
It stayed there for a week. 



ALUMNI 




(.-r-tHc- 



"ft^l, 




AS WE SEE THEM 



AS THEY ARE 



6 



THE SQUIB- 




EVASIVE. 

A Dutchman was once np on the witness 
stand, giving testimony for the defense. The 
questioning on the opposite side began something 
like this : 

: 'Now, Muller, what do you do?" 
: 'Vhy, I vork— " 
"But where do you work?" 
"Vhy, er, at a bench." 
: Yes, but where do you work at a bench ? ' ' 
"In a factory." 
'What kind of a factory?" 
'Brick." 

'Do you make bricks in the factory?" 
"No, the factory is made of bricks." 
'Now listen, Muller, what do you make in 
that factory?" 

'Eight dollars a veek." 
No, no, what does the factory make?" 
: Oh, I dunno. a lot of money, I t'ink. " 
"Now here, Muller, what kind of goods does 
that factory produce?" 

"Oh," said the German, "good goods." 
'Yes, but what kind of good goods?" 
"Der best." 
; 'The best of what?" 
: 'Uf dose goods." 

'Your Honor," said the lawyer wearily, "I 
give up." 

S ? S 
GEOGRAPHICAL. 

Hungary ? 
Yes — Siam. 
Alright, I'll Figi. 



S ? S. 

A proud Bostonian had been trying to impress 
on a visitor who happened to be a very learned 
descendant of the Indians, the fact of his an- 
cestry. Impatiently he exclaimed: 

"Why, sir, you do not seem to realize thai; my 
ancestors came over in the Mayflower." 

"Yes," said the Indian, "But you do not seem 
to remember that my forebears were on the re- 
ceiving committee to meet them." 

S ? S 

Whiskers and spectacles — I am tempted to 
give a quizz today. 

Aspirant for the same — Yield not to tempta- 
tion. 

S ? S 

SOME SATISFACTION. 

Prof. — All mathematicians are abnormal 
Hollow sound from the rear — Gee, I'm glad 1 
did not pass trig. 

S ? S 
LITERAL. 

Mrs. X, (returning home) — Mercy, however 
did the child get that awful bump ? 

Green Girl — You told me to let him play on 
the piano, and he fell off. 

— Boston Transcript. 



8 



THE SQUIB- 



APOLOGIES. 

Blessings on thy cheeks of tan, 

Oh summer girl, hast caught thy man ?. 

S ? S 

NOT BY HEREDITY. 

"She gets her complexion from her mother's 
people." 

"Ah, indeed! Are they chemists, then?" 

— Blighty, London. 

S ? S 

GOOD AND SOLID 

"Now Hugh, " said the mother to her five year 
old son, "You take baby Buddy down to Grand- 
ma's with you and get some milk for Buddy's 
lunch. Grandma will give it to you, she has a 
pitcher." 

After a long absence, the pair came toddling 
back to the house. 

"Where is the milk, Hugh?" asked the mo- 
ther, "Didn't you go down to grandma's? What 
will Buddy do for dinner ? ' ' 

"Yes, mamma, I went down to Grandma's, 
but I felt of Buddy's stomach and didn't think 
he needed any milk." 

S ? S 
Did you ever see a number eight hat? 
Sure, I fell in one once: 

S ? S 
YOU JUST BET 

"The time will come," thundered a suffragist 
orator, "when women will get a man's wages." 

"Yes," sadly muttered a man on the rear seat 
of the car, "next Saturday night." 

S ? S 

EVEN NOW 

He — "Are you going to give me a kiss to- 
night ? ' ' 

She— "No, not tonight." 

He — "Then you'll give me a raincheck for 



one- 



She — "No, I'll give you a sugar card." 
Try it. 

S ? S 
DILUTE ! 

Boyle — Where does the jelly-fish get his jelly? 
Blister — From the currents in the ocean. 




APPLIED SCIENCE 

"It's strange," said Mike, "the different 
names they have for these little bugs. In Ger- 
many they call them Germs, in Paris they call 
them Paris-ites, while in Ireland we simply call 
them Mike-robes." 

S ? S 

COULDN'T HE USE THEM 

The man was about to die in the hospital, and 
he was informed of his coming journey. 

"You may send three words to your relatives 
by cable if you wish," said the doctor of the 
ward. After much thought the private asked 
that the following message be sent to his wife : 

"Don't send skates." 



S 



S 



CIVILIZATION REACHES OUT 

The two Irishmen had not been on the Am- 
erican coast long enough to spend all their money, 
and they were still in their fine room on the top 
floor of the Broadway Hotel. They were not ac- 
quainted with the fire-fighting apparatus used 
in this country. 

About three in the morning when things were 
fairly quiet, they were awakened by the clanging 
of ;'fire bells and the screeching of the fire en- 
gines. Pat went to the window to investigate the 
source of the trouble. 

Just then two steam fire engines rumbled past 
belching smoke and flames, and shooting sparks. 
Pat saw his doom approaching and called to his 
companion, "Oh, Mike, wake up quick, they're 
carting Hell up here, tAvo loads has just gone by." 




10 



THE SQUIB- 




BILLY:— DO YOU GET THAT— HUH? 

Heard : — Young man, Professor Todd of Amherst College is trying to attain an altitude of 
35,000 feet with a balloon, but you are certainly up higher in the air right now than that, — Huh? 



S ? S 

BACK IN S. A. T. C. DAYS 

Officer: — "Have you mopped that floor yet?" 
Private:— "No." 
Officer:— "No, what?" 
Private: — "No mop." 

(Moral:— 7 days' C. B.) 

S ? S 
$ AGAIN $ 

The Pastor — So God has sent you two little 
brothers, Dolly? 

Dolly (brightly) — Yes, and He knows where 
the money's coming from. I heard daddy say 
so. — Dallas News. 

S ? S 

A sign in a "Western city restaurant reads : 
"Ask for one lump of sugar only. Stir like hell. 
"We don't mind the noise." 



S ? S 

ABOUT TIME 
Great minds run — 



He wakened up with a quick start and turning 
to his neighbor queried, "What is the lecture 
about"? 

With a sigh of relief the other student replied, 
" It is about over. ' ' 

S ? S 

HE WANTS SHORE LEAVE 

In a transport going over, one negro trooper 
said to another very sick boy: "Look out 
dere, look out dere and see dat sailboat!" "Don't 
you call me for no sailboat, nigger," came from 
the sick fellow, lying with his head on his arms. 
"Don't you call me at all unless you sees a tree." 

— Everybody's 



11 



-THE SQUIB- 




OIL 



To tell father about 




For the multitude 
of arguments 




For dense atmosphere 




Next term 




Extra hours for dates 




To see thru the mud 




One ton to a tablespoonful of talk 

RUSHING SEASON 
Supplies for all 




Increased capacity 




Names of them, see page 657821 




The middle of the night 



12 



THE SQUIB- 




THE NEW CO-ED DORMS 



s ? s 

ONLY WAY TO GET HIM BACK 

Ex-Looie — "Let's sing 'Carry Me Back to Old 
Virginia'." 

Ex-Buck — "No, indeed, that's where I train- 
ed." 

S ? S 

STILL IN EXISTENCE 

Join the Carry- 'Em-Out Club ! — Dues ten dol- 
lars a quart. 

S ? S 

SOME FEAT ! 

"I fell over twenty feet the other day and did 
not get hurt. ' ' 

"How was that?" . 

"I was the last one in for chapel and sit in 
the center of the row. 



S ? S 
APPROPRIATE MUSIC 

"Can't you play something else than that 
everlasting 'March' from 'Lohengrin' at my wed- 
ding?' • asked the several times grass widow, who 
was arranging for another of her matrimonial 
events. 

"Certainly, madam," responded the courte- 
ous organist. And as the bridal courtege wended 
its way down the aisle the church shook to the 
thundering forth of the popular classic. "Over 
and Over Again ! ' ' 

— Pittsburg Commerical Telegraph. 

S ? S. 

She — A horse ran away with my brother and 
he wasn't out for two months. 

He — That's nothing. My brother ran away 
with a horse and he wasn't out for five years. 



13 



THE SQUIB- 



OF COURSE 

Daughter — "Father, James kissed me on the 
cheek tonight. ' ' . 

Shocked Minister — "And what did you do, my 
daughter?" 

Innocent girl — "I turned the other cheek, 
Father." 

S ? S 

BETWEEN FRIENDS 

He died at the age of eighty-three, a victim of 
most acute rheumatism. So great had been his 
affliction, that he had been doubled up perman- 
ently for the last ten years. The undertaker was 
forced to brace the body with a stick across its 
chest to make it lie flat in the coffin. The old 
man's closest friend was watching at the wake, 
reading to pass the time more pleasantly. The 
cat, who had been excluded from the house for 
the time of the wake, had managed to climb to 
the parlor window-sill in her efforts to enter the 
house. She jumped from the sill to the coffin 
and then to the floor but she dislodged the stick 
in doing so. The body of the old man sprung up 
to a sitting posture. His friend noticed the 
change, and he soothed the old cripple — 

"That's all right, Jim. You just lay back 
there and I'll put the cat out." 




S ? S 
SHE KNEW BOTH 

The enthusiastic hostess was doing her best 
to picture the beautiful scenes at sunset after the 
shower. 

"It was all lavender and blues," she raved to 
the intent listeners, "and there were streaks of 
bright red and crimson and blotches of orange re- 
flection from the sun behind the clouds. Why!" 
she said, "It looked just as if heaven and hell 
met." 



S ? S 



S ? S 



CHEERFUL 

The old lady's relatives had just propped her 
up in a chair. They knew that she had only a few 
months more to live, and they wished to make it 
as pleasant for her as possible. The young 
clergyman and an aged friend of the same pro- 
fession called. On being introduced, the old 
preacher asked in a heavy monotone, "And are 
you waiting for the rest that remaineth?" 

S ? S 

Just out of Normal School — "And children, 
you know a rhinoceros has an armored hide — " 

Bad boy of the class — "And a kitten has a 
periscope." 



AT THE SEED STORE 

Customer — "Give me a quart of winter rye." 

Alarmed Storekeeper — "Eh, — not so loud, 
where is your bottle?" 

S ? S 

AT THE COUNTRY STORE 

Mrs. Hobbs — "Have you any of that red flan- 
nel left, Mr. Tuttle, the kind I bought last 

week?" 

Storekeeper — "Wal you see, Mrs. Hobbs, we 
sold all we had of that flannel, and we sold it so 
fast thet we thought we wouldn't git any more. 
It won't keep long enough." 



14 



VICS OF A HAH STUDYING PPHY5IC5 



© "t^oTPl ALL SET-LBS GO 




15 



THE SQUIB- 



THE RURAL PROBLEM 
Rural Sociology Applied 



Laczid, Mane. 
Orgust 29, 1919 
Dere Lize, 

In owr midst today, ther has ben considerabel 
disconcertment. Up to the depoe they wuz a 
i ever see. IT WAS ORFUL TO THE REPU- 
TASHUN OF THIS HERE LAWD ABIDIN 
COMUNTTY. But she was doled upfit to killa 
moose. She wor a hat sech as hirum absorbs 

his swet in When hes hayin. And the huzy hadsum 
of thes here yeller flouers stuck init to keep the 
sun offn her fase iguess. butnobody cud se herface 
cuz she. must hav fel in the flouer bag when she 
wuz baking. Id a thot she wood a atleest 
brusht herself orf for comin tosich a publik 
plase. And she had on mocasinslik my boy 
Exzema wuz fer havin hiz pa by fer him up to 
town yistaday. if my feet wuz so big ez ter fill 
them napsaskqs, i-d go ter China and get em 
shrunk. An too pares of stockins and one of em 
didnt com only harf up to her knez, she probly 
lied hols in others an wuz to lazy ter darnem And 
they wuz read like Exzemas nek when he gits 
swimin in and sits on the rocs and gits burned lik 
a lobstr. The other stockins wuz pink and so 
shaller i codnt tell ef she had her legs cuvered or 
not when i first see her. And ill tell parson Hobs 
when i see him, thet the critter had on pants jest 
like them as i used ter make fer Exzema fore he 
got tu old for em. My boy Exzema put on his 
farthers long trousers what wuz wore out at the 
kneez when he wuz 13. He wuz inthe 6th grad 
of scool then, you remember when Missus ben 
Stall kep scool upon the hil? She said my boy 
Exzema wuz the smartest boy on his rung of the 
ladder as she calledit They wuz only 1 other boy 
in his grad and everybody said he wusnt all ther 
in his hed. Oh mercy thers my cake burnin, 
Im always fergetin that cake, it ought ter be dun, 
its been inover an our now. 

Well, i wuz just in time, taint burnt on top at 
all. What wuz we saying? o yes that shamles 
woman i see down to the depot. Yesm she had 
on pants and they waz full like a potato sac and 
they only come down to her kneez. Ishall git 
the ladies' aid sassiety ter make her a skert long 
enough to reach her ankles. 

And she hed on a salors blouse with a hanker- 
cheef tyed round her neck that was the culer of 
Sadie's flox, you know them flouers by the wall 



wher you turnd up the driveway to the barn, well 
it wuz that culer. And then she hed a piese of a 
sweter she must a been nittin ever sins the war 
wuz on and it wuz purple like what is in the win- 
dow buhind the pulpit. And gluvs whit e kid 
gluvs jest like that rich lady that come home 
frum the city with Anny Merkles gal. But the 
poor thing had a red candel in one hand and a 
gold heded umbrela in the uther. I spose she 
wuz lookin for a feller to take to a dance and she 
had the umbrela to kepe the wick dry. I dont 
know ef she had it lited, lemme see well she must 
a hed it lited, cuz no bodyd cary a candel around 
unles it wuz lited, Im positive it wuz lited. But 
i dont see why she wanted a candul in broad da- 
lite for, it wuz the midul uf the afternoon and the 
sun wuz shinin. An goodnes me, fergot ter tel 
about her garters, They wuz pinned around her 
leg doun by the t t op of herboots rite in plain site 
of thet feller what gite the ofn the car. I woodnt 
a had My boy Exzema see n them ef i d hed ter 
given her my petticoat ter cover up with. I dont 
think he d lookd anyhow. Hez a good boy. He 
goez to camp meetin doun to the campground and 
he prays so long nights thet he didnt git home 1 
nite til most 10. Farther said he wuz out walkin 
with thet Belcher gurl, But I bont beleev Exzema 
d kep cumpny with nun a them Belchers, they 
only got 46 akers. I dont know wher thiswoman 
doun to the depoe went, i wuz so sic to my stumic 
that I daresnt stay any longer and Hirum hed got 
his oats enyway, and the smel uv pouder on the 
woman wuz makin me sic. But when Hiram seen 
he wuz fer lookin at al the frate ter see ef ther 
warnt sumthin fer him, and he kep lokin at her so 
meny times I wuz affrade thet she wuz makin eiz 
at him. So called him an he cum kwick when he 
see me git doun outn the wagon with the whip. 
Hirum says ge fergot sumthin but i sez he cood 
git it when he took the milk doun in the mornin 
I wuznt goin ter have him goin to the depoe with 
a % dressed huzzy. I KNOW Hirum. 

Wei, i hope she dont cum agan, the toun s got 
a black name now You shood a seen the peepul 
lookin out the the windoes of the cars and they 
will tell up at the county seet thet our chapter 
aint dooin its wurk by the poor and needy. And 
Lize you kno w we are, so dont let the awful 
gosips what wuz on the trane say a wurd agin 
Laczid. Be a good girl. 

With many teers at yur abses in the leg i am 
/ur old nab or, 

Jawn. 



16 



THE SQUIB- 



It seems that when Rastus and Sam died they 
took different routes, so when the latter got to 
heaven he called Rastus on the phone. 

"Rastus," he said, "How you like it down 
thar?" 

"Oh boy, this am some place," replied Ras- 
tus. "All we haster do is wear a red suit wif 
horns, an' ebry now an' den shovel some coal on 
de fire. We don' hab to wuk fo' mo' dan de two 
hours out ob ebry twenty-fo' down hyar. But 
tell me, Sam, how is it wif you up yander ?" 

"Mah goodness. "We has to get up at fo' 
o'clock in de mawnin' and gathah in de stahs; 
den we has to haul down de moon and hang up 
de sun. After dat we has to roll dem clouds 
aroun ' all day long. ' ' 

"Why — why lookyer, Sam, how comes yo' has 
to work so turrible hard?" 

"Well, to tell de truf, Rastus, we's kind er 
short on help up hyer. ' ' 




Gos — "Why they say that she was completely 
carried away by him." 

Sip — "Well, he must be a good deal stronger 
than he looks." 

S ? S 

Edith stood before the glass, 

Her little eyes shut tight — 
She was trying hard to see 

How she looked asleep at night. 



S ? S 

EUGENICS 

Prof. — "What does the marriage cell con- 
tain?" 

Bright Spot — "Twin beds, I guess." 

S ? S 

BOBBIE KNEW 

The teacher in natural history had received 
more or less satisfactory replies to her questions, 
and finally she asked: 

"What little boy can tell me where the home 
of the swallow is ? " 

Long silence, then a hand waved. 
"Well, Bobbie, where is it?" 

"The home of teh swallow," declared Bobbie 
seriously, "is in the stummick. " 



S 



S 



Prof, to boy chewing gum — "Quid est hoc?" 
tapping the bulging cheek. 

Boy — "Hoc est quid." 

S ? S 
UNANIMOUS 

It was a mile over Mount Clemens. 

The pilot of the plane from Selfridge Field 
was giving a visiting officer his first air voyage. 

He cut off the motor. 

"See those people?" shouted the pilot. "Fifty 
percent of them think we are going to fall. ' ' 

"They've got nothing on us," was the reply 
that streamed for half a mile back of the piano. 
"Fifty percent of us do." 

—Ex. 

S ? S. 

DISCRIMINATION 

Scribe — "The editor of the Squib turned 
down a bunch of jokes that I sent in." 

Poet — "That's nothing I have had stuff re- 
fused by the best editors in the country." 



17 



THE SQUIB- 



ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 

The Squib wishes to acknowledge the contributions to this issue from the following men 



R. R. Brown, '20. 
C. F. Doucette, '20. 
G. R. Derrick, '20. 
W. H. Peckham, '20. 



A. F. Boyce, '20. 

F. S. Fletcher, '21. 

G. W. Edman, '21. 
R. L. Jones, '21. 
M. M. Smith, '22. 



C. A. Buck, '22. 

R. B. Ganizue, '23. 

D. H. McKenzie, '21. 
T. T. Abele, '23. 



ANNOUNC EMENTS 

The coming issue will deal with the problems of advertising. If you advertise, buy a copy 
of the next issue and see yourself as your customers see you. If you buy advertised matter, buy a 
copy of the next issue and see how you wasted your money. - If you have no ideas on advertising, 
prepare yourself for the second edition of Revelal'ons. 



S 



S 



Prof. — Those who are absent will please an- 
swer when their names are called. 

S ? S 

Professor — What woman has done the most 
for American society? 

Back-row Sentinel — Lydia Pinkham. 



Some people are inclined to turn their noses 
up at skyscrapers. 

S ? S 

JUST SO. 
How's the world treating you? 
Not very often. 



Now, Then Aggie Men, It's "Up To You" I 



Here 's a plain talk on why I am advertising 
in the ' ' Squib, ' ' what I shall do in the future with 
regard to my advertising, and what I think that 
J you can do in the whole matter. 

I You men are after advertising to pay the 

| "Squib's" bills; I'm after business to pay my 
| store's bills. Time was when merchants gave ad- 
vertising to a college magazine with an off-hand : 
"Yes, I'll take a space," and then said, as soon 
as the representative had gone : "There goes some 
more of my money to blazes." 

But with an up-to-date merchant today that 

is changed. They are AFTER BUSINESS. They 

use a college magazine as they'd use any other 

{ medium, and if it pays to use it they use it again. 

\ If it don't pay they stop it. You'll agree that this 

is "business." To use the unanswerable logic of 

"If a 



the successful man in your own business : 
crop don't pay, stop it." 

But Don't Misunderstand Me 



I'm not asking you to patronize me simply 
because I'm using your magazine; not for a min- 
ute. I'm asking you to let my store serve you be- 
cause I believe I have a store that is supremely 
worth while, and I'm using your magazine be- 



cause I believe there are men at Aggie who will 
appreciate what I have to offer. 

These Things Will Interest You 

Here's one of the finest stores of watches in 
all New England. And, in addition to this, we en- 
ploy three of the most expert and highly paid 
watch makers, jewelers, engravers, in the country 
to handle our very large business in this depart- 
ment. We carry silver', jewelry, gems, cut glass, 
men's jewelry, men's belts, and so on, in im- 
mense variety. In the United States there are 
very few stores as complete as this. 

One big reason for our unique growth, we 
are exceedingly glad to say, is the splendid pat- 
ronage of these great colleges all about us. And 
we want more Aggie business BECAUSE we are 
fitted to take care of it as it should be taken care 
of. Therefore, Aggie Man, it's "Up to You." 

If your advertising produces business we 
shall keep at it, we would be very foolish if we 
didn't. If it does not produce business we shall 
stop, and we believe you'll see the absolute "good 
business" in this statement. So let's all pull to- 
gether and make it PAY us both. 



FRANK E. DAVIS 



164 Main Street 



Northampton, Mass. 



Opposite the Draper Hotel 



18 



♦ ♦ ♦ 

JOHN F. PLANTE 

OPTOMETRIST AND OPTICIAN 

54 SUFFOLK ST. HOLYOKE 
♦ ♦ ♦ 



f Ikofcafcs 
I 

i 



i 

IDictor IRecorfcs l 

i 



^Deuel's 2)rug $tore 



i 
! 

I fountain pens 
I 



!~ 



l 



1 

i 

pipes i 

i 



Every Man Who Works in 

THE NEW COLLEGE STORE 

Is an Aggie Student 



Some people live to eat, Others eat to live. 

Boyden's Restaurant 

Serves All 



I 

I Delicious Dishes 

i 



i 
I 

Best of Service j 

i 



Best Quality 



i 



Fair Prices 



Catering 

Facilities for College Banquets 

196 Main Street Northampton 



I 



Vernon — "Why doesn't the devil go skat- 
ing?" 

Castle— "Well, how in hell could he?" 
| — Brunonian. 

i 

o 

I 

Planter — "Have you ever had any experience 
on a sugar plantation?" 

Grad (by request) — "Oh yes, I raised a little 
| cain while I was in college ? ' ' 
| — Chaparral. 

t 



PLYMOUTH INN 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

A High-Class Hotel 

desirably located for 
COLLEGE PATRONAGE 



SPECIAL ATTENTION TO BANQUETS 



o_j 



I 



E. J. GARE & SON 
3fctwelprfl 



Suits made to order 
Dress suits to rent 



112 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. 



HABERDASHERY 
of the best makes 



| DYEING., ALTERINQ, CLEAMNQ, PRESSING, j 



"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look, over 
our stock at any time. 



LABROVI TZ 

Tailors and Qent's Furnishers 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



♦ ♦ ♦ 



Woodward's Lunch 



27 Main Street 



Northampton, Massachusetts. 



♦ ♦ ♦ 



OUR STOCK is built to fit your ueeds. It will pay 
you a tangible return to invest in our goods. You 
will never feel ashamed when dressed in our 
clothes. Best in quality, snappiest in style, and 
comfort unsurpassed. 

HART, SCHAFFNER & MARX CLOTHES 

(Nuf Ced!) 

F. M. THOMPSON & SON 

Good Clothes for College Men 



Quality 
PICTURE FRAMING 

If it's a Picture we can Frame it 
If lit 's a Frame we can Make it. 

Mr. Justin J. McCarthy is our agent at M. A. C. 

The FitzGerald Book & Art Co., Inc. 

196 High Street 
HOLYOKE, MASSACHUSETTS. 



Advertising 




FEET DIFFER | 

But We Have 
The Shoes to 
Fit You 

EXPERT 
REPAIRING 

SHOE SHINE ( 
<f- STAND j 

? J. GINSBURG I 

19 Pleasant St. j 



O^^B-O-^M-OMM-CM 



Judge — "Where did the automobile hit you?" 

Rastus — "Well, jedge, if I'd been carry in' a 

license number, it would a busted it all to pieces." 

— Agawan. 



j 



Do you realize that the Twenty-five cents you 
paid for this number is just about one-half of its 
individual publishing cost. 

The men who bought space in the Squib are 
the ones who paid the rest. 

Just as a courtesy to them, next time you 
have occasion to purchase something give 
them a chance to show you what they have to 
coffer. 

They will appreciate it too, if you just 
mention that you noticed their ad in the 
Squib. 



I Young man, are you going to start working 

j in this class? 

Why I do my math here every morning. 

— Jack-O-Lantern. 

j HOTEL NONOTUCK 

HOLYOKE, MASS. 

A Most Desirable Stopping Place For 
Business Men and Tourists 

Dancing in the main restaurant every evening, 
except Sunday, from 7 to 11.30 

SYNCOPATED ORCHESTRA 
I Special Concert Every Sunday Evening 



Mi-BS-OMV-'H 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



A real good Watch and Fountain Pen 

Are two things you'll need most 
To help you in your studies, 

That I can surely boast. 
So visit Jimmy Berry, 

He '11 fix you up in Style. 
And talk about the prices, 

Why they'll just make you smile. 



JAMES BERRY 
Jeweler 

Draper Hotel Building 161 Main Street 
Northampton, Mass. 



YOU TELL 'EM' 1 






OUR AIM TO 
SATISFY 

Superior Quality of 
Service and 
Merchandise 



SHORTY'' BERMAN 
7 South College 

Representing 

THOS. S. CH1LDS CO., Inc., Holyoke 



Exclusive 

Patterns of 

English 

Cordovan Boots 




The New and Beautiful 

HOTEL 

BRIDGWAY 

Bridge Street and Broadwav 

SPRINGFIELD 

Business Men's Lunch, 12 to 2.30, 75c. 
Dinner, 6 to 8.30, $1.50 

Informal Dancing Every Evening from 10 to Midnight 
Excellent Music by the Bridgway Orchestra 

GEORGE A. LEONARD 

Vice-President and Resident Manager 



She — Why do you always get up before you 
kiss me? 

He — In times of great stress, men always rise 
to the occasion. 

— Purple Cow. 



'20 — "I have a suit for every day in the 
week." 

'21 (awestruck)— "Yeah?" 
'20— "Uh-huh, this is it." 

— Cornell Widow. 



I— « 



Mabel — How are you getting along in college 
now, Percy? 

Percy — Oh, all right. I 'm trying awfully hard 
ot get ahead now, you know. 

Mabel — Well, heaven knows that you need 
one. 

— Caricature. 



Madge — Are you going to marry Jack in order 
to reform him? 

Mary — I once thought of that, but now I am 
going to let the government regulate his morals 
by constitutional amendments. 

— Town Topics. 



PLAZA THEATRE 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

PICK O'THE WORLD 
PHOTOPLAYS 

FROM FAMOUS PRODUCERS PRESENTING 

America's Greatest Stars 

PROGRAM CHANGED DAILY 
Frederick P. Belmont, Mgr. 



Millett Jewelry Store 

For your College Jewelry go to the New College 
Store on the M. A. C. Campus 

We have a full line of 

Violin, Mandolin and Banjo Strings 

Also 

Cuff Links — Soft Collar Pins — Waldemar Chains 

Fine Watch Repairing 

Broken lenses replaced promptly 

Lincoln Block - - - . . Amherst, Mass. 



j A Pointer For Young Men 

j A good appearance is a desirable asset for any 
young man. Thrift is unquestionably the foun- 
dation of success. In clothes buying, the young 
man who makes 

I DANIEL'S 

his source of supply is on the right road for these two 
essentials. He will get the right styles and he wiT 
get them at the right Price. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



I 



HARRY DANIEL ASSOCIATES, Northampton I 

I 



.i- 



To Buy or Sell Anything, 
you must have 

A Street Corner and a box. 
Hypnotism. 
A High Price. 

Approval of a Movie Actress and her picture. 
A Technical explanation, unintelligible to 
mortal man. 

A Salesman with an elastic conscience. 

And One Copy of the Advertising 
Number of the Aggie Squib. 

to interpret and discount the above schemes. 

To obtain this and those that follow cut out 
this coupon and mail to D. C. DOUGLASS, Bus. 
Mgr., Amherst, Mass. 

I hereby subscribe for the College year of 
1919-20 to The Aggie Squib, a humorous maga- 
zine to be published in six issues. The price of 
this subscription is one dollar and thirty-five 
cents ($1.35). 

( Signed) 

Address 



« 



IU>/ I 



ofth© 
FEB A 6 1920 




E. J. GARE & SON 



"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look 0Ver 
our stock °t an U time. 



j 112 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. 

i ,, | 



Hardware 



i 

THE MUTUAL PLUMBING & HEATING CO. I 

! 

Amherst j 



As George was going out one night 
His mother questioned, "Whither?" 

And George, not wishing to deceive, 
With blushes answered, "With her." 

— Penn Punch Bowl 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Irate Mother — I'll teach you to kiss my daugh- 
ter. 

Insolent Youth — Your'e too late. I've learned 
already. 

—Froth. 



AMHERST LAUNDRY 

Prices adopted by best Laundries in Springfield 

Hartford and New Haven, etc. 

WET WASH 

4c. a pound, minimum 80c. 35c extra for drying 

ROUGH DRY 

7c. a pound, lc additional each piece. Minimum 50c. 

WASH AND IRON 

Flat work 7c. a pound, lc. additional each piece. 

Starched Goods at list prices 

FAMILY WASH 

(all sorts of work) 7c. a pound, lc. additional each 
piece. Starched pieces at list prices. Bodywork 7c. pc. 

Work Guaranteed — Prompt Delivery 



ARTHUR P. WOOD, Jeweler 

The Jewel Store of Northampton 

Modish Styles in Jewelry 

Watch and Clock Hospital — the one where opera- 
tions are successfully performed 

It Pays to Trade Here 
197 Main St. Tel. 1307-M Opp. City Hall 



DIFFERENCE OF OPINION 

Girl watching aeronaut: Oh, I'd hate to be 
coming- down with that parachute. 

Mere Man: I'd hate to be coming down with- 
out it. 

— Chaparral. 
♦ ♦ ♦ 

WHAT EVERY WOMAN KNOWS 

Duffer — What ought I to talk of so that women 
will find my conversation interesting? 

Snuffer — Something you ought not to talk of. 

— Chaparral. 



I The Plymouth Inn I 

West and Green Streets 
Northampton 

Homelike and Refined Atmosphere 
Meals a la carte 

j Rooms $2.00, with bath $3.00 

On the approved list 
Visit our Tea Room in Annex when wanting a 
NICE LUNCH 

j All Home Cooking — Open 11 a. m. to 8 p. m. 



DANIEL WEBSTER HAD A GREAT LINE. 
SO HAVE WE 



The Finest Line of Chocolates in Four Cities 



SODAS = = SUNDAES 



KINGSLEY'S, Inc. 

The Attractive Store 
140 Mam St. Northampton, Mass. 



i i i ii i ■ 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



jforewotb 



Ah, Death, you're a rattling scamp 
Who plays on the minds of most men ; 
You're a sneak from the dust of the gutters 
That blows on the wind now and then. 

You bring the message of graves, 

And bear some names on a scroll, 

You cackle in^ glee when you find your man. 

And beckon him out for a stroll. 

You lead man away from his fellows 
And fold/ him in heartless embrace, 
Who sees not with eyes understanding 
The hollow grin on your face. 

Yes, Death, you '11 mock all the )ages ; 
You'll dance at the revels by night: — 
You'll play for the souls of men j 

And you'll cheat with your hand out of sight. 

But who cares for you, e'en a quaver, 
You nothing but moment of time? 
Me you'll not stop 'fore my work is done 
And take to another clime. 

Why? — I'm going on — far beyond ; 

To a place that you do not know, 
To a land where clean men, sincere men, : 
Not you, Curse of men, may go. 





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I □!§£.□ Pi 

in 

eras 

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saaQoaaDD 

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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE. 



Literary Department 

F. J. Binks, '20 Editor. 

B. F. Jackson, '22, Asso. Editor. 



Editor-in-Chief, 
John A. Crawford. 

Business Department 
D. C. Douglass, '21, Manager. 
L. P. Martin, 21, Advertising. 
G. H. Derrick, '20, Circulation. 



Art Department 

G. A. Smith, '20, Editor. 

M. P. Webster, '20. 

E. B. Labrovitz, '21. 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by students of the Massachusetts Agricultural 
College, on the first day of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications 
should be addressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Editor-in-Chief. 
Subscribers who do not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Sub- 



scription price $1.25 in Amherst, $1.35 elsewhere, 
second-class matter. 



Single copies 25 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as 



Vol. IV. 



FEBRUARY, 1920, 



No. 3 



IN the past few weeks many men on this 
campus have remarked "there is not enough 
time to do the work that must be done." 
They knew. 

Should an inquisitive stranger come onto 
the campus to see how Aggie students spend 
their time, not merely their spare time> but all 
of their time, the chances of his being sur- 
prised are good. What would he find in the 
way of organized activity about the campus? 

He would find a student body of slightly 
over five hundred men and women. He would 
find a good grade of scholarship being main- 
tained. He would find a fair amount of col- 
lege unity and spirit. But he would open his 
eyes at the number of separate activities that 



can command the time of M. A. C. students. On 
his list he might jot down seven distinct varsi- 
ty athletic teams, more than twice as many 
class teams, two periodicals and two annual 
publications, four units of musicians, a dramat- 
ic society, public speaking council, eight clubs 
to promote interest and enlarge the knowledge 
of major subjects, twelve social orders, and a 
multitude of class offices and college govern- 
ment positions to be filled. He would also 
make note of the honorary societies on the cam- 
pus that perform various functions. 

The cause of his wonder would not be so 
much at the number of single enterprises that 
were being worked out, as it would be at the 
relatively small number of persons who were 
doing the work. 



THE SQUIB- 



A young institution has its ambitions and 
has few customs. It must found traditions, 
and make itself known. If the type of men is 
naturally progressive? there will be a tendency 
to start as many schemes as possible, for which 
there seems to be a need. 

Such has been the case on this campus so 
that now there is a surplus. It seems that 
there is no place for another organization on 
this campus. 

In view of the fact that the work at pres- 
ent is not being as well done, though a credita- 
ble showing is being made in most phases of 
the student work, would it not be wise for men 
to turn their creative thought toward the pres- 
ent activities rather than to new ones? Is there 
a duplication of effort that does not bring re- 
turns? Could the union of some organizations 
be profitably effected? Could the major clubs 
be federated with advantage? Are there some 
activities that have outlived their usefulness 
and consequently should be dropped? For 
the best development of the College, M. A. C. 
students should perfect what plans they have 
before they launch out on new ones. 



A professor criticises the present policies 
of the government. A reporter carries 
the news to his paper. Bold headlines 
repeat the disagreeing statement. The next 
morning an alarmist rises from the breakfast 
table in wrath at the insolence of one entrusted 
with the education of the young men. Think- 
ing such criticism of this democracy is bad 
enough, but to tell such ideas ! To his patient 
wife and excited children he raves at the laxi- 
ty of the police in not stopping the propagan- 
dists that will undermine the peace of the na- 
tion. After bustling to the office he makes 
an audience there for his invectives. Who is 
this learned gentleman? 



A basketball game between rivals of many 
contests grows fast as the minutes to play de- 
crease in number. The cheering crowds call 
for more scores. The scores are made and the 
home team forges into the lead by a hair. The 
teams become desperate. All that American 
interest and ernestness for sport and victory is 
cast into the balance. The crowds on the stands 
rise in a body, a yelling mob unconscious of 
their individual acts in their absorption for 
their team. The home team wins. The rooters 
subside and ooze out of the hall, hoarse, happy 
and chesty with pride. 

A cutting word is passed between support- 
ers of the rival teams. The tension for victory 
turns into a tense feeling of personal antago- 
nism. But a hand holds back the impulse to 
strike the slurring tongue, a hand of sports- 
manship and self control that is bred in most 
of the American colleges today. 

Without that control those students might 
have become a howling mob flying at each oth- 
er for revenge. 

There has not been a day during the past 
year that a strike has not been in progress in 
the United States. More or less violence has 
attended the demonstrations of the strikers. 
The ignorant ones have fallen a prey to the 
rabid agitator's venon-covered tongue. He 
has given one idea to those foreigners who 
know not why they strike except that they 
were told to strike by the man at headquarters. 

Would it be possible for the group of stu- 
dents on this campus to become the wild un- 
governable mob that is often reported by the 
newspapers? Is it possible that men from this, 
college will in the future become the hasty man 
at the breakfast table who does not stop to 
consider the value of the report of the profes- 
sor's utterances but acts merely on a momen- 
tary impulse? Well might the college student 
of today look at himself in his search for open- 
mindness to see how different he may be from 
the berated Bolsheviks and what causes the 
difference. 



ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 



The Squib wishes to acknowledge the contributions of the following men to this issue :- 

A. F. Boyce '20. 
R. R. Brown '20. 
C. A. Doucette '20. 
G. E. White '22. 
C. A. Buck '22. 
T. T. Abele '23. 



DO 


NOT MISS 




the 


COLLEGE 


GIRLS' NUMBER 


That Will Appear in 




MARCH 



THE SQUIB- 












%%? 




Tir 



1 






TOO TRUE 

Child— What is Santa" Clau's' mother's name. 
Papa? 

Papa — Mary Christmas, I think. 

Once again. 

Well, what is Santa Clans' father's name then? 

BilL I'm sure. 

O O o 

"That watch crystal is not what it's cracked 
up to be." 

"No, it's one of those non-breakable ones." 



POPULAR RENDERING 

"Bent— "What's the English." 
Crook-Ed—' ' Chantycleer. ' ' 
Ben1^-" Shoot a line." 



Crook-Ed — "The old rooster is jazzing around 
with his hens and old Fox says, 'Hey old cock, 
les hear yuh crow. They say yuh got some fal- 
setto.' " 

"When Chanty opens his beak, Foxy grabs 
him." 

"But Chanty is right there with the comeback, 
and says, 'Some molars you got there, les take a 
slant at em. ' Old Fox opens his chops and Chanty 
makes a getaway." 

Bent— "Thanks." 



THE SQUIB- 



INITIATION 

MOTTO. 

The life of a frat member is the death of the 
pledge. 

Beware '23. 

D. S. C. FOR HIM 

Pledge Jones caused the death of three rulers 
while measuring the car tracks in Hamp. 

o o o 

Pledge Y, when being paddled, was divided 
within himself as to the policy of resistance or 
non-resistance. Being divided within himself, 
he could not stand ; but being paddled, he could 
not sit. Hence he spent the next three days in 
bed. 




He Did and He Didn't. 

fe Is o 

GOOD EXCHANGE 

"So the lawyers got about all of the estate. 
Did Edith get anything?" 

' ' Oh, yes ; she got one of the lawyers. ' ' 

—Ex. 

s s s 

DIFFERENT ? 

Outraged alumnus — It is too easy to get into 
college now. 

Burglar — Cheer up, it 's no worse off than Sing 
Sing. 

S S ;S 

IT'S WORTH IT THEY SAY 

Imbiber who had slept wrong end to in his bed 

— "Dam it, I thought I had a toothache all last 
night, but when I woke up it was only my shoes 
pinching. ' ' 



I5H0CK-* 
B30RBER 




IT DOESN'T WORK VERY WELL THOUGH 

s s s 

Brilliance who tries for Phi Kappa Plum. 
Yes, I was a. freshman too. Some of the hap- 
piest years of my life I spent as a freshman. 

s s s 

Athlete: — I'm a little stiff from lacrosse. 
Fresh : — Wisconsin ? 

o o o 

Duck — I play baseball in the Glee Club. 

Drake — Where ? 

Duck — Just off second base. 

s s s 

INITIATION 

Initiation times draw nigh, 

Nearer draw the fateful hours. 

Last night 'neath sacred haunts and bowers 

I heard the nine high moguls try 

First this, then another plan, 

Exceeding human thought and care. 

After means to make the freshmen dare 

Nearer death than life to stand. 

Devilish tricks must they attain. 

Dare hideous horrors as yet unknown, 

Endure 'till they with pain do moan, 

At last the secret circle to attain. 

This freshman for education 

Hell is dead 'side initiation. 



THE SQUIB- 




\ 



For several weeks Creeper's horse was, missed. In its place had appeared a snorty, back- 
firing, racing motorcycle? so different from the old Bucephalus. The, above picture was sketched 
from life on his last appearance. He was given up for dead and duly mourned by all who had 
cussed his slowness in former times. 




But Dame Rumor brought netrs that the fleet steed of Amherst had 'repaired to Draper 
'Sanatarium. A Squib reporter was fortunate enough to get the above picture of our own four 
footed slave of Cupid, while taking his daily exercises. Having recovered from his speed mania, 
the beast returned to his field of service and is again doing duty. 



s s s 

Consternation reigned in the Amherst court, 
the crier was absent. A note from him was 
brought in and read. "On account of my moth- 
er-in-law's death I cannot cry today." 



s s s 

Professor — Does anyone know of a person get- 
ting more rent than he should?" 

Satellite — Carnegie, letting his dance hall in 
Northampton. 




Yi.1, oPtouust you 
took home some "books 

^■"DO A little VTUOY'NG 

OH YEE -ASL 



DID YOU HIT THE HIGH VPOTS IMTH OLE SUST 



WHAT PIP TOU DO? 




1> \T> YOU LVO "BACK TO THE OL.TJ 
HIGH SCHOOL. AHT> HAMBTHEM A 
HEAvy LINE OP COKE? 






Til* You ^HO"> foul? ttj ic K 
LlTJ To "DM) AND HA? 
f FRO S M oNLy^ 



WE HOT-EYOU 





WMuTftLLY YOU G OT UT= EnT!LY 
MO-T^NINEt c h at e l 



And did you t<\y close /vttentiom 

OTHE MM?VEU'l-OUS WIMH 
SCENE-RY ? 



^3 g 

EL ATS ? — ^E Hote. T 



~r e i_i_ y a. ' 



THE SQUIB- 



"Darling, I am growing old, 
Silver threads among the gold," 
Sang the girl, but Jack replied, 
"Turn your switch on t'other side." 

o S o 

Mac — My girl is going to marry me in Janu- 
ary. 

Jack — Why I thought she did not like you ! 

Mac — Well, she said last night that it would be 
a cold day when she married me. 

s s s 

Fus — There are two things that I like about my 
girl. 

Her — What are they? 

Fusser — Both arms. 

s s s 

King Solomon and King DaAdd led merry, merry 

lives, 
With many, many ladies, and many, many wives, 
But when old age came on apace 

With many, many qualms, 
King Solomon wrote the Proverbs, 
King David wrote the Psalms. 

— Anon. 

S S S 

"What's the difference between 'life' and 
'love'?" 

"Life is one fool thing after another. Love is 
two fool things after each other." 

O lb O 

The husband and wife had had another of 
their fortnightly quarrels. 

She, bitterly — I have a diary of all the fights 
that you and I have had. 

He, with manly sarcasm — That's no diary, 
that's a scrap book. 



Here's to a good little girl 

But not too good, 
For the good die young 

And I hate a dead one. 

s s s 

WHAT ! IMPOSSIBLE ! 

"She was not allowed to even look sidewise at 
a man. However, she grew up to be very pretty." 

s s s 

"Dearest, let's not quarrel any more. Do you 
make up?" 

"Sir, this is my own complexion." 

s s s 

IT DOES NOT PAY. 

She — Stop, dear, you must Hooverize. 

He — Don't I have sugarless coffee/ 

She — Yes, but you are allowing your hand to 
go to waist. 

s s s 

Me — Most girls don't appreciate music. 

He — Why do you say that? 

Me — Well, you can play wonderful strains on 
your mandolin and she won't even look out of 
the window, but one honk of the horn and she 
flies out doors. 

s s s 

COULD IT BE A REALITY? 

The B. & M. had just put on the seventh can of 
milk at Norwottuck and, leaving the station (?), 
was picking up speed with every foot. Smoothly 
and with lightning rapidity it sped on, now 40, 
now 45, and now 50 miles an hour it went, five 
minutes ahead of schedule time, and gaining 
time with every mile. He felt a hand on his 
shoulder and as he awoke the old familiar "Fares 
please" came to his ears. 




MAN GOING FUSSING— 3 stages 



8 



THE SQUIB- 



The Professor is trying to impress his stupid 
sophomore class with a significant point. At 
this juncture he looks at his left shoulder and 
suddenly begins scratching in an ape-like man- 
ner, saying "Do you get this?"' ■ 

Voice from the class. "No, but I hope you get 
them. ' ' 

s s s 

If you don't believe this one consult Charlie 
Green. 

Q. — Why is a niysogonist like an epithilamium ? 

A. — Because they are both a-verse to marriage. 

Do you get it? 

Neither do we. 

S S S 

Monitor — I notice you leave chapel early. 

Frosh — Yes, I have to because I snore some- 
thing fierce when 1 sleep. 

s s s 

STUDENT LABOR 

"Are you working?" 

(astonished) "Was I ?" 

S S .S 

Prof. — What kind of machine is used for 
transplanting ? 

Student (awakening) — A transplanting ma- 
chine, sir. 

s s s 

Sophomore, looking through his new Zoology 
book : 

No wonder the Prof, knows so much about 
this, he has been reading ahead. 

s s s 

SALUTE ALL PROFS. 

An officer in the . . Division, seeing one of his 
men limping painfully, inquired the reason. 

"'Well, suh, Ah was done kicked by a mu-el. " 

"Kicked by a mule! Why, George, how did 
that happen?" 

"Ah doan' know, suh. Ah guess Ah done for- 
got to salute him. ' ' 

— Everybody's. 

s s .s 

NEW COURSES 

Spelling 23. A course in college spelling for 
2-year men. Seniors may elec + . 



YOU GUESSED 

Prof. — Youse guys want to wash that in warm 
water. Cold water don't cut no ice. 

S S o 

THE WAIL OF A SOPHOMORE FROM THE 

NOOKS OF THE LIBRARY 

Oh boring, tiring — dull, dry trash, 

Exasperating stuff ! 
What pray, care I for all your hash 

Of imports' problems tough, 

Dull Agi Econom.cs? 

Care I if tariffs benefit, 

Or if it is free trade? — 
What derelict of human wit 

Your density has made? 

Tell, Agi Economics ! 

For you the star-light goes to Avaste, 

The pale moon shines for nought, 
While here I toil in frantic haste 

To find what Egypt bought. 

For Agi Economics ! 

May all the ills of tariff's rule. 

Of 'minishing return 
Assail and export from this school, 

In deep oblivion to burn, 

YOU, Agi Economics. 

s s s 

The Amherst police force received by mail the 
other day six "Rogues Gallery photographs ta- 
ken in different positions of a man wanted in a 
neighboring city for selling wood alcohol." The 
force immediately got busy arid wrote back: "I 
have arrested five of the men, and will have the 
sixth tonight." 

s s .s 

Two Sophs speculating as to the disposition of 
their bodies : 

Bill — Well, I'm going to be cremated. 

Bob — Not for mine. I'm slated for a lot in 
the old Amherst cemetery. 

They argue pro and con for a few minutes, and 
finally this — Bob: No Bill, it's no use, I'm going 
to be buried, for think of the chance that it would 
give somebody to study entomology. 

s s .s 

BUCEPHALUS' EPITAPH 

I was a hoss in olden days 
Who used to carry mail. 
The only time the wagon flew 
Old Creeper pulled my tail. 



THE SQUIB- 



SONG HITS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED 

"Mollie sat on the stove and it was hot to 
mollie. " 

"If the price of food keeps going np there will 
he no food going down." 

"If it's the showers that make the flowers 
beautiful, why didn't it rain on you?" 

"You could hear your casket coffin." 

"Ladies, check your chewing gum in the of- 
fice, the seats are all full." 

s s s 

Skid — Skating is just like life. 

Slid— How's that? 

Skid — The ice is artificial hut the falls are real. 

s s s 

He had just broken through the fence while 
going 50 per, and machine and driver were lo- 
cated in the center of the stream. 

"What you doing down there, cooling your 
engine?" asked the innocent pedestrian. 

£> fe k5 

Boomer — How can I clean Ivory? 
Rang — Take a shampoo. 

S S S 
Piker — I am going to raise your rent. 
Poker — I'll call you. 
Piker — I hold a full house. 

s s s 

AN ERROR OF OMISSION 

An Eldorado Springs minister tells this story : 
A white minister had just married a colored 
couple and in a facetious way remarked : "It is 
customary to kiss the bride, but in this instance 
we will omit it." The groom was equal to the 
occasion and replied: "It is customary for the 
groom to give the minister a five-dollar bill, but 
in this instance we will also omit that." 

s s s 

STRANGE 

She was fair but he shone with all the bright- 
ness of red hair. 

"Every time I look at you," she said, "I see 
red." 



LATIN 

A man was kidnapped and would be killed if 
he could not translate the following poem: 

Icabile, heres ego, 
Fortibus es in aro, 
0, nobile, themes trux 
Yaticinem? Pesan dux. 

Being a man of meager education he realized 
that death was near until this version of the 
poem came to his mind: 

I say Bill, here's a go, 
Forty busses in a row. 
Oh no, Bill, them's trucks, 
What's in em? Peas and ducks. 

s s s 

SELF-HELP 

Voice— Is this the Weather Bureau? How about 
a shower tonight? 

Prophet — Don't ask me. If you need one, take 
it. (Chaparral). 

s s s 




Lena — How are you parting your hair now? 

Wayhack — Oh I part it on my mother's side 
now. 

s s s 

"Hey, my cigarette is gone." 

"That's all right, it was goxg when you left 
it there, wasn't it?" 



10 



THE SQUIB- 



Since prohibition, inspectors of gas meters 
have had difficulty in holding their jobs. Some 
people would take a job like that for nothing. 

s s s 




THE CHANGE 

s s s 

"We used to turn up our noses when we 
smelled a whiskey breath, but now we prick up 
our ears. 

s s .s 

Old Man Boozer is dead. 

Is that so, what kind of flowers shall we send 
him? 

I'd say pastry flour would be appropriate af- 
ter the life he has led. There will be a fine op- 
portunity to do some baking where he is going. 



ONE CONSOLATION 

Youths sowing their wild o;its nowadays can't 
mix much rye with it. 

Ex. 

s s s 

She— Hello, Ben — . 
He — Ben who ? 
She — Been drunk 

S S S 

THERE'S A REASON 

Bill — What are you reading? 

Will — A handbook on golf published some 
years ago. 

Bill — I didn't know you played the game. 
Will — I don't. There are six full page adver- 
tisements for Scotch whiskey on the back. 

— Bir - ingham Herald. 

s s s 

Farmer — Can I sell you a Holstein? 

City dude — Sure if you have got anything to 
put in it. 

s s s 

BE KEEN IN THE EARS 

In the English class was registered the follow- 
ing unofficial statement: "I've heard of rum- 
hounds but a Berwolf is beyond me." 

o S S 

LINES INSCRIBED UPON A CUP FORMED 
FROM A SKULL 

Start not — nor deem my spirit fled : 

In me behold the only skull, 
From which, unlike a living Ik ad, 

Whatever flows is never dull. 

I lived, I loved, I quaffed, life thee ; 

I died, let earth my bones resign; 
Fill up, — thou can'st not injure me, 

The worm hath fouler lips than thine. 

Better to hold the sparkling grape 

Than nurse the earth worm 's slimy brood, 

And circle in the goblet's shape 

The drink of gods, than reptiles' food. 

Where once my wit, perchance, hath shone, 

In aid of others let me shine ; 
And when, alas, our brains are gone, 

What nobler substitute thai wine? 

Quaff while thou can'st, another race 
When thou and thine like me are sped, 

May rescue thee from earth's embrace, 
And rhyme and revel with the dead. 

Why not, since through life's little day 
Our heads such sad effects produce ; 

Redeem 'd from worms and wasting clay, 
This chance is theirs, to be of use. 

— Byron. 



11 




TAS 



A N "D 

AT T H e AM H E~^ s T 

To sf CffiCEl 



./ 







^TCH *TOO"R ST ET-TH.S i S 
l_ £ AT> Y 6 A"R I 



t^ Mfiflftfl 





A [FEW WgyOT?> 
®K1 ^GOE SWUCIT <sd 






QPPlCE'R- CALL, utthe un^ehtak-et? 1 



^ j- 



=<c 




A\m 




L IFE — 



— DEATH 



THE SQUIB- 



7:20 


7:25 


7:40 


8:00 


8:05 


9:45 


11 :15 


11 :20 



12 :05- 

12 :30- 
12 :35- 
12 :36- 
12 :37- 
12 :55- 
1:00- 



DIARY OF A STOMACH 

-He just got up. Feeling fine. Great day. 

-Had time for one cup of coffee (?) and a 
sinker. 

-He ran all the way to Chapel. 

-Gee, I just got jabbed in coat room rush. 
The coffee won't dissolve that 
sinker. 

-Half-pint of chocolate ice cream just 
came my way. 

-He made me take on half a glass of fer- 
mented apple jelly that was made 
last summer at summer school. 

-Here's my chance. He's gone to sleep. 

-He snored and somebody punched me. 
Now he is awake. 

-Creamed sausage, raw onions in vinegar, 
more doughnuts and ice cream. — 
Dinner. 

-I'm feeling bad and he knows it. 

-Sent back the sausage. 

-Also the vinegar and onions. 

-And all the ice cream and doughnuts. 

-He has gone to the infirmary. 

-The doctor says •'Nothing to eat for 24 
hours." 

Thank heavens — a Rest. 




to !b O 

Pork had appeared on Xh.z table for several 
weeks and the hog's head was the first thing the 
imbiber spied when he came down to breakfast 
on the morning after. 

"Good morning," he greeted it, "your face 
looks familiar, but I'm damned if I can remem- 
ber your name." 



Helen — What are we on this earth for? 

Mother — To help others, dear. 

Helen — Then what are the others here for? 

s s s 

We must have some sugar toute de suite and 
the touter the sweeter. 

S S S 

COLLEGE LIFE 

'Yes, there is rest; yes, there is rest, 
In this college life there is rest, sweet rest." 

Every time Squibby's editor rolled up his; 
shirt sleeves, lit a pipe full of black tobacco, and 
put his feet upon the editorial desk preparatory 
to thinking up something funny in this sad old 
world of ours, his mind was distracted by the 
shouting about him of this popular chorus. Fi- 
nally he summoned the cub reporter and sent, 



him out to learn what this 
and where it could be found 



thing "rest" was, 



The reporter first met some Freshmen carry- 
ing some heavy mats. "Can you tell me," lie 
asked one, "about this thing, 'rest' mentioned 
in the popular song?" 



" 'Rest 
freshman, 



; 'We 
are 



' I don't know the word," replied the 
"and I guess you wouldn't either, if 
you had the classes we do, to say nothing of ath- 
letics every afternoon and doing all the work on 
the campus. Ask the Sophs, they think they know 
it all." 

"Pipe down and get to work there, Fresh- 
man," commanded a Sophomore, taking his false 
teeth from his mouth and looking fierce, 
have the stiffest course in the college and 
kept busy trying to make these Freshmen be- 
have. We don't know rest, ask a Junior." 

The reporter met a Junior bustling around af- 
ter Index material. As soon as the Junior learned 
the reporter's business he waved him away. "We 
have more work in the class room than the Sen- 
iors and just as many activities outside. You 
want to see a Senior, they do nothing but loaf." 

\ The reporter was now getting tired and 

/•/ snapped to the first Senior he met, "Where is 
'rest'? What takes up YOUR time?" 

"Oh," he said wearily, "atk-'etics occupy most 
of my time and 'Hamp.' has the 'rest'. ' 

The reporter gaily returned to the editorial 
rooms of the Squib and handed in his scoop. 

"Yes, there is rest. Yes, there is rest. 

In this college life there is rest, sweet rest." 

S S S 

Even a grave stone praises a man when he's 
down. 



13 



THE SQUIB- 



THE END OF A PERFECT DAY 

I had a fren' 

"Who had a job 

In a nien-ag-er-ie. 

He stuck his head 

In the lion's mouth 

And his day's work was done. 

Mike was a bar- 
Tender so tough. 
He'd drink most anything. 
One day he tried 
Wood Alcohol 
Now his day's work is clone. 

There was a guy 

Said Labor should 

Run every in-dus-try 

A parlor Bol- 

Shevik was he 

But his day's work is done. 




s s s 

Fatherly Junior, (on Dean's Saturday) — How 
is the old card today? 

Startled Freshman — Oh, I'm all right, thank 
you. 

S S S 

ANOTHER MESS 

Proprietor (just demobilized) "Yus, I've bee:i 
through it — officers' cook two years, wounded 
twice." 

Buddy (tasting the soup) "You're lucky mate. 
It's a wonder they didn't kill you." 



CAMOUFLAGE 

Nigger mammy, (to pickaninny swimming 
with white boy) — Hain't Ah told you neber to 
play wid dat white trash, nigger? 

The little bit of Africa — Yes, mammy, but h j 
warn't white when he went in. 

• s s s 

"Now sonny," said the mother, "just run up 
stairs and get a clean night shirt, and if you do 
not find one take one of your sister's night dress 
es." 

"What, a girl's.'" snorted Frankie, drawing 
himself up haughtily. 

"Yes, why not?" replied his mother. 

"I won't wear it." declared little Frank. "I'd 
rather go to bed raw." 

— Es. 

s s s 

One of the famous tribe of Israel while up in 
Maine on a trip froze his nose. 

"And what did you do for it?" asked the Bos- 
tonite. 

"Well, I rubbed snow on it as far as I could 
reach and I threw snow balls at the rest of it." 

s s s 

Senior — To do your best work you must plan 
out your time. 

Freshman — That's what Prexy told us in Col- 
lege Life. 

Senior — Yes, you see all great men tell you the 
same thing. 

s s s 

FOR CONSIDERATION OF CHINESE 

beautiful transparent thing, 
To thee now with praise I sing. 
'Tho other ones at thee may rail, 

1 give thee praise, — Finger-nail. 

That thou art in the way, I know, 
That thou collectest dirt is so; 
But thing of beauty, shell divine, 
Thou art not bad, for thou art mine. 



14 




K i T> D-rry^— 7vcF-nrnN" 




Its nice, to 
Get up i rv/ r h e 

Mot? M (vc. 




THE HUW.CrOf 
This orvE 



I I HYr-wsj 



ts 



v/ 




O ve v- TH t toT 7 



A 



T50UT the: w ah pus 



*-\ vJe v? t,"\e <~ 



— T3ur 





No- ^tT F*cfR A M A'RCT IC 

"t-tvit', — Just fuel 

CUW$E'RVrtTION J ANT) 

(JEW ENGLAND 

WEAT H EH 



THE SQUIB- 



SPEAKING OF THE WEATHER 

Sympathetic caller to "wife whose husband had 
just hung himself in the attic: 

'You're not a bit troubled on washing day by 
bad weather, you have a fine attic for hanging." 

s s s 

DEEP HUMOR 
A man died at sea and he was buried there. 

s s s 

Doctor, after examining the very sick wife — 
"Well, I guess it's a case for cutting." 

The farmer ran to the barn and brought the 
axe. 

"Here's the axe, doctor. You do it, I can't." 

s s s 

A man had died across the water and the sur- 
geon wired asking which he shoul d do, embalm, 
cremate or bury. 

The answer came back: "Take no chances, Jo 
all three." 

s s s 

You're just like the man with one foot in the 
grave and one on a banana peel. 

s s s 

USED TO EXAMINATIONS 

In the course of his examination these ques- 
tions were put to an old negro who was appearing 
as a witness : 

"What is your name?" 

"Calhoun Clay, sah." 

"Can you sign your name?" 

"Sah?" 

' ' I ask if you can sign your name. ' ' 

"Well, no, sah. Ah nebber writes mah name. 
Ah dictates it, sah." 

s s s 

If there is no point to a joke there is little 
chance of it hurting anyone. 



A man was hanging to a lamp post with a rope 
around his waist. 

"What are you trying to do." 

"Commit suicide," says he. 

"Put the rope around your neck then.'' 

' ' I had it there, but I could not breathe , ' ' says 
he. 

s s s 

VERY TRUE 

Life — What's going to be in your stockings 
tomorrow? 

Death — You, if I don't get up first. 

s s s 




Gloom — I think I'll die at my feet first. 
Grief — Why do you think that? 
Gloom — Well you see they have that deathly 
smell already. 

s s s 

HANG OUT A CREPE 

Iona — It is a proven fact that when a person 
dies the body loses two ounces in weight. 

Ford — I guess I've been dead a week. 

Iona — How's that? 

Ford — Well, I lost a pound in practice last 
night. 

Sounds good. 

S s s 

A traveling salesman landed in a little town 
one night and tried to get a room. He found that 
the only room left was directly over that of a 
very nervous man. The hotel clerk said that he 
was a regular and for the salesman to try not 
to disturb him. The salesman started to undress 
that night. He took off one shoe and dropped it 
BANG on the floor. Then he remembered the 
nervous man and placed the other shoe on the 
floor very carefully. Later that night he was 
awakened by a furious rapping on the door. He 
opened it to a small fussy fidgety man, who in a 
high excited voice demanded: "For God's sake 
drop that other shoe." 



16 



THE SQUIB- 



EPITAPHS 

It's not the cough that carried him off, 
It was the coffin they carried him off in. 

o o S 

Here lies the body of Abraham, 
On his bosom lies Mary Ann. 
Pretty soft for Mary Ann, 
Kind of tough for Abraham. 

s s s 

Here lies the body of Joshua Daniels, 

He lies here 'cause he left off his flannels. 

s s s 

"William Pease's grave stone was inscribed: 

Here lies nothing but an old dry pod, 

The peas that were in it have gone up to God. 

s s s 

LIFE AND DEATH 

The Romans are said to have urned their dead. 
We have to earn our living. 

s s s 

You'll find beneath, Joe Boozawitsky, 
Too much wood was in his whiskey. 

s s ,s 

A TOAST 

Here's to the alcoholic sisters, 
The one who soothes, the one who blisters. 
Let he who wants "high life" take Ethel, 
But he flirts with fate who chooses Methyl. 

s s s 

WHY NOT GO INTO THE COAL BUSINESS 

Prof — Why is it bad for the egg production to 
have the ash pile .in the hen yard? 

Stud (absently) — They might lay egg-coal. 

s s s 

The old Irishman was having his household 
goods moved to his new residence, and in the 
general hurry the mission clock was forgotten. 
He picked it up and started to walk thru the 
streets of the city with it to his home. In the 
crowded business section he was stopped by an 
old acquaintanhce. "Say Pat," he said, "why 
don 't you carry a watch ? ' ' 



These lines may be found inscribed on the 
tomb stones of two rival Nantucket sea captains : 

' ' Here I lie, snug as a bug in a rug. ' ' 

"Here I lie, snugger 'n the other bugger." 

k5 k> O 



■te 



1 



NOTICE ! 
THE PAKE TO H/NMP 

WILLBE INCREASED 

aftet? real «9 »y 

TO 2 5> 

T£"R ORDER CONNWU-LErST.RvXO 



THIS NEXT ! 

FEOM AMONG THE DEAD 

Some wise guy remarked, or , ought to have, 
anyway, that "Time makes all things possible." 
Jules Verne thought he had some line when he 
staged his big scenes under the ocean or way up 
in the air. Now his wildest dreams are tame in- 
deed. 

So it was with the artist whose masterpiece 
here reproduced, was excavated from the ruins 
of Squibby's office. temporal mores! What 
in those ancient days was said in sportive jest is 
now become stern reality? and he who would 
shimmy in Hamp must pay, not only the fiddler 
but also the C. V. St. By. Co. 

s s s 

A man who lost his wife put on her stone : 
"The light of my life has gone out." 
He married again so he put on her stone : 
"I've struck another match." 

s s s 

BRILLIANCE WHO TRIES FOR PHI KAPPA 

PLUM 

Yes, I was a freshman too. Some of the hap- 
piest years of my life, I spent as a freshman. 

s s s 

If you want to get soused get a gas inspector's 
job in private homes. 



17 



THE SQUIB- 




GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN ! 



s s s 

CAMPUS EPITAPHS 

Here lies the ancient Aggie Band, 
That our beloved Colonel canned, 
Its brazen notes no more will swell 
Across the campus — ain't it hell ? 

s s s 

Among both filth and rot obscene 
Rest the remains of the Tennis Team; 
But its ghost, behind the hill 
Doth nightly seek — a long-lost ball. 

s s s 

JOHN GAY, POET 

Life is a jest and all things show it; 
I thought so once and now I know it. 

S S S 

LORD BROUGHAM 

Here reader, turn your weeping eyes, 
My fate a useful moral teaches; 
The hole in which my body lies 
Would not contain one-half my speeches. 

S S S 

Prof. — "Some people object to children play- 
ing with animals because the cat or dog is usually 
loaded with insects and they are afraid that these 
creatures will get on to the children." 



Sympathetic Stude — "That's all right, 
every cat or dog has plenty to spare." 



most 



LIVING EPITAPHS 

As I am now you must be ; 
Prepare for death and follow me. 
To follow you I will never consent, 
'Till you tell me which way you went. 

s s s 

Here lies the body of Samartha Proctor, 
Who ketched a cold and wouldn't doctor; 
She couldn't stay so had to go, 
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 

s s s 

Here lies the body of Betsy Babbitt, 

Who would have lived longer but she couldn't 

stand it; 
Sorrow and grief was her decay, 
That with a sore leg took her away. 

s s s 

A VERSE WITH A KICK 

A mule he has two legs behind, 
Two legs he has before, 
Go stand behind the legs behind, 
To find what they be for. 

o S S 

THE LULU BIRD SAYS : 

If some of these birds had worn 0. D. breeches 
and spiral putts in the mud of France they would 
not be so anxious to display their maidenly forms 
around the campus. 

S s s 

The man who can bottle up his wrath at the 
right time is a corker. 



18 






c><r.e-<>-a3X]-«H»-(j-« 



»-o«co» <>-«».(> -a 



»(i^»<iiB»ii'a»(i-i 



NINETY PER CENT OF THE STUDENT BODY OF SMITH COLLEGE 
ENTRUST THEIR OPTICAL WORK TO US— 

The reasons for the large following we have obtained are not far to seek. All our optical 
work is done with the most minute and painstaking care — examinations of the eye are made by a 
highly skilled optometrist of wide experience — our equipment is thoroughly modern and ade- 
quate — our service is maintained at the highest point of efficiency at all times. 

Students from M. A. C. will find our unique shop to be the logical place for the filling of 
their optical needs. 

THE PARK COMPANY, INC., 

An Optical Shop of Distinctive Beauty and 

Superior Service * 

257 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



I 



r >4|^ <> <^D-< ) «B>- < l-CCB-O-VXB-O^M' I )-^»" -«»-<)-« j 



ACADEMY OF MUSIC 
Northampton 

THE HOME OF THE 
BEST PHOTOPLAYS 

Showing the Best Stars in the Film 
World 

Visit the Academy "When in Northampton 
USUAL POPULAR PRICES 



He: "Are you saving anything for a rainy j 



day^ 



| She: "Yes, indeed. I never wear silk stock- 
j ings around the house." — Awgwan 

i 

j ♦ ♦ ♦ 

Sara was a shimmier, 

She shimmied pretty keen, 
The boys all liked to watch her shake 

Her wicked tambourine. — Sun Dodger. 






HIS OWN BUSINESS 



\ 

Guest — You say dinner's ready! And where 
do I wash? 



I 
j 

i 
i 
i 

He squeezed her in the dark and kissed her; j 
And for a moment bliss was his, jj 



Host — Why— er — that's up to you. 

— Chaparral. 
♦ ♦ ♦ 

THE BITER BITTEN 



We are now represented on the Aggie Campus 

by 
THE NEW COLLEGE STORE 

A card from them will entitle you to a two per 
cent discount on all purchases made of us. 



' Excuse me, but I thought it was my sister ! ' ' 
He said. She smiled and cooed: "It is." 

— Sun Dodger. 



F. M. THOMPSON & SON 

Hart, S chaff ner & Marx Clothes 






HOTEL NONOTUCK 

HOLYOKE, MASS. 

A Most Desirable Stopping Place For 
Business Men and Tourists 

Dancing in the main restaurant every evening, 
except Sunday, from 7 to 11.30 

SYNCOPATED ORCHESTRA 

Special Concert Every Sunday Evening 



If You are interested in a Good 



WATCH or DIAMOND 



See 



JAMES BERRY 



Jeweler 



161 Main Street Northampton* Mass. 
Next to Western Union 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 




Q) 



evon 



Harry — Was you out after dark 
last night? 

Larry — No, after Mabel. 

— Sim Lodger. 



Arrow 

C O LLARJ 

Starched or soft, afford, with 
good value, corredt style and 
uncommonly long service 

Cluett, Peabody &, Co. Inc. <*»lroy N. Y. 



He — "If you will share your 
heart with me, I'll give up all my 
bad habits. I will reform for- 
ever. ' ' 

She — "No, a man never re- 
forms, he merely becomes more 
careful." — Voo Doo 



There was a young miss who was 
told she must kiss 
No one but her mother and dad, 

But as she grew older, she also 
grew bolder 
And found kissing not at all 
bad. — Yale Record 



CLOTHES MAKE MABEL 

Slim: — "You don't geem as en- 
thusiastic over Mabel as you used 
to." 



i 
! 

\ Jim — ' ' Naw, I saw her in a gym 



! 



suit. 



— S^n Dodger j 

i 
i 

s 

! UNITED STATES HOTEL | 

Beach, Lincoln and Kingston Sts 

j BOSTON, MASS 

Only two blocks from South Terminal Station, and 
easily reached from North Station by Elevated Bail- 
way, and convenient alike to the great retail shops 
and business center, also to the theatres and places 
of interest. 

European Plan $1.50 per Day j 

I and Upwards 

Table and service unsurpassed. 
Booklet and map sent upon application 

TILLY HAYNES, JAMES C. HICKEY, 

Proprietor Manager 



Quality 
PICTURE FRAMING 

If it's a Picture we can Frame it 
If it's a Frame we can Make it. 

Mr. Justin J. McCarthy is our agent at M. A. C. 

The FitzGerald Book & Art Co., Inc. 

196 High Street 
HOLYOKE, MASSACHUSETTS. 



THE 



c 



THE NEW COLLEGE STORE 



MATERIALLY AIDED NINE AGGIE 



AGGIE UNDERGRADUATES IN PAY- 



ING THEIR EXPENSES LAST TERM 



PAPER CITY ENGRAVING CO., Inc. 

MAKERS OF HIGH GRADE 

Plates for Printing 

ILLUSTRATORS AND ARTISTS 

Radcliffe Building 

Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



JOHN F. PLANTE 

OPTOMETRIST AND OPTICIAN 
54 SUFFOLK ST. HOLYOKE 



The New and Beautiful 

HOTEL 

BRIDGWAY 

Bridge Street and Broadwav 

SPRINGFIELD 

Business Men's Lunch, 12 to 2.30, 75c. 
Dinner, 6 to 8.30, $1.50 

Informal Dancing Every Evening from 10 to Midnight 
Excellent Music by the Bridgway Orchestra 

GEORGE A. LEONARD 

Vice-President and Resident Manager 



o-^mrz- I i, 



ikofcafcs 



IDictor IRecorfcs 



SDeuel's SDrug $tore 



Ifountain pens 



l 

i 
s 

I 

I Dean — What is density? 



pipes 



Doris — Did you know I'm taking lessons in 
cooking now? 

Donald — Why I thought you were studying art. 

Doris — Well, yes — interior decorations. 

— Cornell Widow. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

"Is that river fast?" 

' ' Should say so ! It 's full half the year. ' ' 

— Purple Cow. 



i 



Hansen — I can't define it, but I can give an il- 
lustration. 

Dean — The illustration is good, sit down. 

— Awgwan. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 



An enterprising dealer in electric wares hangs I 
out the sign: "Don't kill your wife with hard ( 
work. Let our washing machine do the dirty 
work." — American Legion Weekly. 



Some people live to eat, Others eat to live. 

Boyden's Restaurant 

Serves All 

Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 

Facilities for College Banquets 

196 Main Street Northampton 



♦ ♦ ♦ 

BUT IT DOESN'T PUT HER TO SLEEP! 



I ^^ <l< ^». ( )'a^<i4Mfr'<>^^<>-«^"'^B»-< >«»•>•«»< i^^o4H»O«MH>«i»<><«»0-^H»!: 



I 

i 

. . Small Boy — Daddie, you tell me a story to put j 
me to sleep every night. .Do you tell mamma a 
story every night, too? 

Daddie — No, Willie, not every night, only the j 
nights I stay at the office and balance the books. | 

— California Pelican j 

I 

♦ ♦ ♦ I 

Physiol Prof: What do you know about cells? \ 

Stude. Not very much sir. I've only been in I 

two. — Gargoyle. j 

,_ „_ „___, _.,. J, 

CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



PLAZA THEATRE 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

PICK O'THE WORLD 
PHOTOPLAYS 

FROM FAMOUS PRODUCERS PRESENTING 

America's Greatest Stars 

PROGRAM CHANGED DAILY 
Frederick P. Belmont, Mgr. 



-./?. -^^ ■ in£L ^. 



METCALF PRINTING CO. 

NEAR CITY HALL 

NORTHAMPTON, MASSACHUSETTS 



THE HOUSE OF 



Good Printing 



AND 



Real Service 



COLLEGE WORK SOLICITED 



M 



p— <i^— p»^i 



THE AGGIE 




COLLEGE GIRLS 

U M 







ACADEMY OF MUSIC 

Photoplays of Distinction 

MARCH HEADLTNERS 

19th-20th— Louise Glaum in "Sahara" 

22d, 23d, 24th— "Soldiers of Fortune" 
All Star Cast 

26th-27th— Mabel Normand in "Pinto" 

29th-30th— Tom Moore in "Toby's Bow' 

31st-Apr. 1st— Will Rogers in "Jubilo" 

SEE THE BEST AT THE ACADEMY 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



SIMPLIFY YOUR WORRIES AT PROM 
TIME BY CONSULTING US. OUR LINE 
OF ACCESSORIES IS THE MOST COM- 
PLETE, UP-TO-DATE AND CORRECT IN 
TOWN. 



F. M. THOMPSON & SON 

Hart, S chaff ner & Marx Clothes 



PAPER CITY ENGRAVING CO., Inc. | 

MAKERS OF HIGH GRADE 

Plates for Printing: | 

ILLUSTRATORS AND ARTISTS 

Radcliffe Building 
Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. I 

i 

I 

THE 

UNITED STATES HOTEL 

Beach, Lincoln and Kingston Sts 

BOSTON, MASS 

Only two blocks from South Terminal Station, and 
easily reached from North Station by Elevated Kail- 
way, and convenient alike to the great retail shops 
and business center, also to the theatres and places 
of interest. j 

European Plan $1.50 per Day j 

and Upwards 

Table and service unsurpassed. 
Booklet and map sent upon application 

TILLY HAYNES, JAMES C. HICKEY, 



I 0-4M»-i > 



SAD BUT TRUE 

No matter how healthy a bow-legged person 
may be, he is always in bad shape. — Burr. 



Daughter— Yes, mother; Albert did kiss me last 
night. But I sure sat on him for it. — Chaparral. 



'Was your husband cool when you told him 
there was a burglar in the house?" asked Mrs. 
Hammer. 

' ' Cool ! ' ' replied Mrs. Gabb. ' ' I should say he 
was. Why, he was so cool that his teeth chattered 

— Punch Bowl. 



How sweet is booze ! 

But oh, how bitter 
To love a drink 

And not to gitter! 

— Gargoyle. 



Proprietor 



Manager 



Quality 
PICTURE FRAMING 

If it's a Picture we can Frame it 
If it's a Frame we can Make it. 



The FitzGerald Book & Art Co., Inc. 

196 High Street 
HOLYOKE, MASSACHUSETTS. 



Mr. Justin J. McCarthy is our agent at M. A. C. ( 






OUR REPUTATION FOR MARKED 
SUPERIORITY IS UNIQUE 



WE ARE THE BEST 
WE ADMIT IT 



SODAS- 



SUNDAES 



CHOCOLATES 



KINGSLEY'S, Inc. 

The Attractive Store 
140 Mam St. Northampton, Mass. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



&tUnr? ta often safety 




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Literary Department 
F. J. Binks, '20 Editor. 

B. F. Jackson, '22, Asso. Editor. 
R. E. Brown, '20. 

C. A. Doucette, '20. 
A. F. Boyce, '20. 
C. E. White, '22. 
T. T. Abele, '23. 



QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE. 

Editor-in-Chief, 
John A. Crawford. 

Art Department 
G. A. Smith, '20, Editor. 
M. P. Webster. '20. 

E. B. Labrovitz, '21. 

F. S. Fletcher, '23. 
C. A. Towne,'23. 



Business Department 
D. C. Douglass, '21, Manager. 
L. P. Martin, '21, Advertising. 
G. H. Derrick, '20, Circulation. 
M. M. Smith, '22. 
O. B. Bartlett, '23. 
F. E. Buckley, '23. 
D. A. Nowers, '23. 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by students of the Massachusetts Agricultural 
College, on the first day of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications 
should be addressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Editor-in-Chief. 
Subscribers who do not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Sub- 
scription price $1.25 in Amherst, $1.35 elsewhere. Single copies 25 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as 
second-class matter. 



Vol IV 



MARCH, 1920 



No. 4 



DESPITE the fact that Squibby- had his 
wings singed in some of the warm recep- 
tions and had them nearly frozen in others 
when he tried to gather the wit of women's col- 
leges for this issue, he was able to return with a 
good supply of material. His trip is not to be 
construed as the flight of the dove from the Ark 
in an effort to find land for a drifting ship but 
to bring back some word that wit in the women's 
colleges is not dying out. 

It is hoped that this glad news will help some 
men to establish themselves on the common 
ground of humor if they have found other means 
to fall. 



The Aggie Squib wishes to express its apprecia- 
tion to the contributors in the following women's 
or co-educational colleges: 

Normal Art School 
Smith College 
Radcliffe College 
Simmons College 
Middlebury College 
Sargeant School 
Wheelock School 
Mt. Holyoke College 
M. A. C. 



-THE SQUIB- 



CEAB (Krab), n. (As. crabba.) 1. Any of a 
suborder (Brachyura) of crustaceans hav- 
ing a short, broad, and usually a flattened 
shell, and a small abdomen curled up under the 
body. 3 A crab louse. 

Crab, n. (Perh. fr 1st crab; of Crab, a) 1 A 
crab apple. (CRAB-BED), of or pertinent to the 
crab apple or crab tree ; like the sour apple ; sour ; 
harsh-tasting; rough. 

Crab, v, t. & i. 1. of hawks, to catch or claw, 
fight. 2 To find fault with; criticise adversely. 
Coloq. Eng. 

Such are three definitions that Noah Webster 
has given to the word "crab". 

On this campus there is a species of crab that 
needs a special definition, one that is not covered 
by any of the definitions of, the great gramma- 
rian. That definition reads as follows : 

Crab, (human species). 1. One whose cour- 
age is rolled up out of sight but whose tongue 
hangs loose ; a parasite ; a bearer of illtidings and 
rumors that bring no good fruit ; one of sour mind 
often unripe ; a clawing, snarling type that 
thrives in company like itself. 2. An individual 
who satisfies his desire for company by making 
wild remarks, unbased, and often stimulated by 
a love for a good story ; one who exaggerates the 
inconvenience of evident duty as an outrageous 
hardship ; in essence an actor, often on the sur- 
face a good fellow. 

When a new policy has been adopted by the 
students the "crab" finds much to chew upon. 
He recalls numerable unanswerable arguments, 
unanswered so far as he can see. He says to him- 
self "I don't give a damn what happens to the 
plan. I won't do a thing for it." He rails against 
it ; he has in his audiences probably many skepti- 
cal and still doubting persons. He will draw the 
attention of those men who want to be shown and 
who will not work to show themselves. He will 
sap that energy which otherwise might be used 
in profitably executing the policy. He will en- 
deavor, after the project is once established to 
have nothing to do with it. He will cry "I told 
you so" at every halt in its progress. He applies, 
his tactics in no constructive way. 

Such is the crab. 

Throughout the history of any college indi- 
viduals of this type have shown themselves. They 
are not rare. It has been a common observance 



too, that these men do not help their college. 
Comments to this effect have been made in this 
college this year ! Yet there is no progress made 
to educate or even silence the offenders for their 
false attitude. 

It is not a violation of the free-speech doc- 
trine, a doctrine which must be always nurtured 
on a college campus, it is not suppression of one 
side of an argument, it is not exercise of assumed 
authority to prevent "crabs" from disseminating 
their half-considered ideas. 

It must become the duty of some men on this 
campus to inform the "crabs" of their existence 
as. such. The job of demanding open-mindedness 
evidently falls on the leaders of the student body. 
But it is not alone the leaders of college life that 
are obliged to suppress slander; the duty rests 
with every man who wishes to hear both sides of 
any matter before he judge on it. Should this 
simple means of informing the unprincipled 
mouth-pieces that they are not doing justice to 
their cause, to themselves and to others fail, the 
more definite means should be used. 

. Let us hope that the requirement for silence 
need not be enforced and that a suggestion to 
take account of stock will be sufficient. 

But if it does not, let each man see that he 
has developed no traits of the "crab" himself 
and then let him see that his fellows think speak, 
and act with the same sinceritv. 



THE SQUIB is glad to welcome into its board 
those men who have shoAvn themselves to 
be dependable in their effort, discrimina- 
ting as to values and eager to establish the Squib 
as a College institution. « 

It is hoped that these men will assume in their 
turn the work of managing the publication of the 
Squib. 

Squibby enrolls the following men as members 
of the board : Literary department — R. R. Brown, 
'20, C. A. Doucette '20, A. F. Boyce '20, C. E. 
White '22, and T. T. Abele '23 ; Art department— 
F. S. Fletcher '21, C. A. Towne '23 ; Business de- 
partment— M. M. Smith '22, W. L. Bartlett '23, 
F. E. Buckley '23, D. A. Nowers '23. 



SOME SLUSH 

There may be harm that kissin's done; 
Perhaps it caused old Sodom's fall; 
But I agree with Tennyson : 
"Tis better to have kissed a lot, 
(And held hands too, as like as not) 
Than never to have kissed at all." 

■ — Miss Quote. 




SLEIGHS AND SLEIGHS 



THE SQUIB- 



LEARNING 

VyilEN I was a frosli on the campus 

'Twas said that my color was green, 
I've had my pickin' of courses — 
No very great change has been seen. 
First they exposed me to language, 
Then sciences I did pursue, 
They fed me a strong philosophical dose 
And then I thought I Avas through ! 

"VTOW I'm not any hand with a language, 

For, taking them all along, 
You never can tell what you're saying 
And then you are like to be wrong — 
You'll think you are talking in Spanish, 
You'll find that you're talking "Francais", 
The things that you learn from Latin and Greek 
Won't get you a raise in your pay. 

T WAS a wizard for Science, 

Got away strongest with Chem — • 
Had a keen scent, so they told me, 
For hydrogen, sulphides and then 
Learned the why of the wherefore 
In Physics and Biology — 

When all's done and said, just see where it's led, 
And learn about Science from me ! 

1V/IY next deadly strife was with logic 

Philosophy ne'er was my bent — 
Ethics and argumentation 
Can scarce solid ivory dent ! 
Then I consulted with Father, 
He said, "Son, for the present, defer — 
But quite early in life just get you a wife 
And learn how to argue from her ! ' ' 

POLITICAL Science they told me, 

Well salted and peppered with Ec, 
Would help to enfranchise the nation 
And put down the bold Bolshevik 
I might get a job on a school-board, 
But President I'll never be — 
Beware ©f the strife in political life 
And learn how to govern from me ! 

T'VE taken each course as I've found it, 

And now I've got a degree, 
But I've found that one's not educated 
To merely obtain an A. B. — 
It 's only a step on the ladder 
An M. A. and then Phd. 
So be warned by my lot, which I know you will 

not, 
And learn about learning from me ! 



A Polack came up to a Yankee and asked him 
"What ees it, dat a Polar Bear do?" 

"Wal, I dunno. A Polar Bear he's just a bear 
that sits on a cake of ice and eats fish. ' ' 

"Dat is funny. My friend he die, and his wi- 
dow, she ask me to be a Polar Bear at his fun- 
eral." 



S 



\ SWEET and wise miss from Sargent says that 

Aggie teams are like fresh eggs because they 

have never been beaten, but adds that thy are not 

like overripe eggs which positively can't be 

beat. 



S 



Chaperon — What time did you come in last 
night f 

Marie — Quarter of twelve. 

Chaperon- ■ — But I sat up until three. 

Marie — But that is quarter of twelve. 



S 



Hick in the P. 0. — Is there any mail for me ? 

Clerk — For whom. 

Hick — For me, are yer deaf today? 

Clerk — Well, I've got to know yer name. 

Hick — See here, young feller, don't get sassy. 
If you want to find out my name, you'll find it 
on my letters if there be any. 



S 



WANTED — A can of white paint with red 
stripes in it to paint barber poles. 



S 



S 



When you go over to Mt. Holyoke on a Sun- 
day night you want to buy a couple of magazines 
to read. The Atlantic Monthly should be one of 
them. 



Pat — Now ther' wuz four of us, ther' wuz the 
Gerarhty twins, Murphy, Horrigan, and I can't 
think who the other feller wuz. 



THE SQUIB- 




SOPHOMORES 



S 



FATE 

I wrote to college girls galore, 
Until my fingers got quite sore 
But did not think it was a chore. 

The answers came in all day long 
Bits of verse and scores of song 
And some told me where I belong 

One note the others did surpass 
For I did write to one fair lass 
"Whose Hubby said I had the sass 
To write to a MARRIED WOMAN. 



S 



RINGS 



Mary — Do you know what John did to me last 
night, Mother 1 

Mother — No, what? 

Mary — He kissed me. 

Mother — My heavens, did you scold him, 

Mary — Yes, I sat on him. And do you know 
what else he did to me, mother? 

Mother — No, what else did he do? 

Mary — He kissed me on the forehead. 

Mother — Did you scold him for that? 

Mary — Yes, I called him down. 



lVfANY rings there are of all kinds, 
There are Rings for you and I. 
Now how often do I wonder 

Why each ring may mean a sigh. 

Y\/HEN the old bell rings for chapel 
Many tumble to the floor. 
"Henry, Henry, we are coming, 

Hold that door a moment more." 

HPHERE'S a little ring with meaning 

Making all the world seem bliss, 
But it is an endless torment 
Oft beginning with a kiss. 

OFTEN when I go a calling 

Over on that College Miss, 
Ten P. M. is very early, 

Scarcely even time to — kiss. 



S 



Sophomore — What are you standing there for? 
for?" 

Freshman — Nothing. 

Sophomore — Well, move on then, if everyone 
in the college stood still, how would the rest get 
past? 



S 



Hungry Student — Say, how is the soup today? 

Ditto, who has just finished a meal — I'll tell 
ya, that soup is strong today. They took a quart 
of water and concentrated it down to a pint by 
boiling. 



6 



THE SQUIB- 




DEDICATION TABLET VERSE FOR THE 
NEW DORMITORY 



HPHESE nymphs so fresh and fair 

Among us brutal worthless men 
Who smoke, and curse, and swear. 

What tender hearts they must have had 
What charity sincere, 

To smile on us and elevate our state — 
Our co-eds fair and dear. 



'When you say your prayers, Harry, ask God 
to make you a better boy. You have been very 
naughty today. 

Before closing with "Amen" Harry added: 

'And please, God, make me a good boy." 

Then he concluded : 

Nevertheless, not my will, oh Lord, but Thine 
be done !" 



S 



USING THE BEAN 

Dining Hall Cheers J. Stitt Wilson 

2 Year Man (wonderingry) — What are they 
cheering the President for? 



She — What makes that red spot on your nose? 

He — Glasses. 

She — Glasses of what? 



S 



S 



Boarder (looking at plate of beef stew) — "Now 
I know what a mess of pottage is." 



Jack — She isn't exactly pretty but there's an 
indescribable something about her I like. 

Jim — Yes, I hear her father has a lot of that. 



THE SQUIB- 



AN ODE 

"Doc" Cance— 
How he ranee; 
Like to kick him 
In the pance. 

Look at Billy 
Hard and chilly; 
Makes you feel 
So awful silly. 

In Poultry, Payne 
(Thought quite insane) 
Showers "dope" 
Like wintry rain. 

Bean-pole Torrey — 
Say, by gorrey, 
Tend to biz, or 
You'll be sorrey. 

"Doc" Gordon's Zoo— 
(One long moo) 
It might prove 
Your Waterloo. 

And Mr. Rand— 
(Strike up the band) 
Likes to tell you that 
You're cand. 

To "Bull" Prince 
Some time since 
We gave the dub 
Of Clown Quince. 

And many more 
Along with Gore 
We 'd like to rhyme 
Like those before. 



"I'm getting to be a regular horseman now, I 
carry around four bits with me all the time." 



S 



A KISS — Nothing divided by two, meaning perse- 
cution for the infant, ecstacy for the youth, 
fidelity for the middle aged, and homage for 
the old. 

A HAMMOCK — Happiness on hooks, also a popu- 
lar contrivance whereby lovemaking may be 
suspended but not stopped during the open 
season for dears. 



S 



FOR LADIES ONLY 



jifyisouno <<s ( ubiuo^,, pajfeo ;i si JLi\/\\ 



S 



We have noticed that the military department 
is going under pirate colors now days. 



S 



VARIETIES OF SALMON THAT WERE 

Judging from the absence of salmon at the Din- 
ing Hall, we remind the boarders that the fish 
have gone up to the southern end of the pond to 
spawn but will probably return before college 
closes. 



But since we can't 
Let's have some Jazz, 
And give them all 
The royal Razz . . . 



S 



She — I'll marry you on just one condition. 

He — Oh, that's all right. I entered college on 
four. 



S 



Ques.-Zoo 666 — "I have here an animal that 
goes around making a peculiar flapping noise. It 
has a rather large body but tapers down to two 
pipestem legs. Smoke issues from its mouth and 
nostrils at all times — what is it? 

Ans. — "An Amherst student wearing unbuckl- 
ed overshoes, golf stockings, and smoking a cigar- 
ette. 



8 



THE SQUIB- 




A.F.BrDEL 



DIRECTIONS FOR USE 

1 . In answer to urgent requests we sent our star reporter, Jim Crow, the famous informer for 
Squibby, on the difficult assignment of compiling infomation regarding our sister institution 
across the river, in order that the aspiring but less venturous society men of Aggie might have 
reliable and complete information to insure success. 

2. Jim Crow obtained a bird's eye view, which is here in print for the first time. 

3. To use this map first select the house where you desire to call. Then determine its latitude and 
longitude, and make sure that you could find your way to and from said house shackled and 
blindfolded. Secondly, think of some name such as Helen or Mary and after calling the house- 
keeper on the 'phone, inquire for the damosel. Some one is sure to answer. Then in your 
sweetest voice, say that you will "be over" on the 7.30 car. 

4. Beware, if you pass through the Grotto three times with the same girl, you are expected to 
propose. — Remember this is leap year, too. 

5. "Dippy Hill" was left out purposely, so that visitors on the campus would follow the right 
paths. 

6. Although Squibby will be delighted to furnish any obtainable information, it is under no ob- 
ligation to guarantee that the traveler may reach his destination. (SEE C. Y. St. Ry. Co.) 

7. Interior views of the Court House, Insane Asylum, and County Jail may be obtained from the 
City of Northampton. 

8. Squibby is unable to state whether or not Seelye Hall is named for the Springfield doctor. 

9. The "last car" for Amherst leaves Main street, Northampton, at 11.00 P. M. 

10. All travellers should read the following inspired verses : 



A walk down through the Grotto If you would a-nutting go 

Is surely Paradise, • On Dippy Hill you'll stroll. 

But if you have an auto The way is easier to know 

You're sure to cut the ice. '"Round Round Hill, I am told. 



Aggie fussers will be slow 
If they don't choose the Bay State, 
There is a spot where lights are low, 
Try it — the Lyman Estate. 



THE S QUI Br 



M0W1T HOLYOKE COIMQE 

SOUTH HADLEY.MA5S. 

PL&H OF THE GROUNDS 

SCALE - I inch > 200 feet 
(Appronimatt) 




m*szr T 



MAE HAU 
"S.A.H, 



SOUTH HADLEY FALLS 



OBJEA/ATORY 



»"■{£& 



DIRECTIONS FOR USE 

1. Squibby has gone to enormous expense in maintaining the Holyoke Street Railway Company, 
until sufficient time when the present advertising campaign might be established. In publish- 
ing the map of the settlement known as "Across the Mountain" it is hoped that our social lions 
will patronize the company by venturing upon the new fields of conquest that have been open- 
ed up. 

2. Do not confuse this map with the one over the page. SHE might see your path to the Stu- 
dents' Building. 

3. Special maps showing outlying districts may be secured upon application to Squibby 's Map 
Editor. 

4. Any students who may be a bit shady on the subject of "Map Reading" are recommended 
to MIL. 26, under the supervision of the "Professor of Military Science and Tactics." 

5. Before taking the Holyoke car peruse carefully the following orders obtained from the enemy 
camp. 

GENERAL ORDERS No. 234567 

1. "Don't ring the door-bell of college houses — you'll be mistaken for a fusser or a bill- 
collector if you do." 

2. "Don't fail to introduce your friends to the Head of the House and to the resident 
member of the faculty." 

3. "Don't be a social climber. Be nice to everyone." 

South Hadley, March, 1920. 

6. Be not lured to the great city beyond. 

7. Remember the "Man Dances" in S. A. H. 
7. Forget not Vespers in the Chapel. 

9. Do not let the last car to Amherst go without you. You are not in Hamp., and the home road 
is hilly. 

10. Travel warmly clad, for "cold shoulders and ice water" form a large part of the trans-moun- 
tain diet. 



10 



THE SQUIB- 



RIPS 

YI/ T HAT are those tearing sounds I hear 
That fill my soul with pain? 
I move, and lo ! the groaning sounds 
Dismay my heart again. 
I cannot stir, I cannot twist, 
I cannot turn my frame , 

Without a ripping sound so near, 
The moanings ne'er grown tame. 

"OUT hist ! I hear the shrieks once more 
As heard from mortal breast — 
I start, I feel my panting pulse, 
The shrieks will never rest, 
For days may come and days may go 
And still the sounds are there, 
I'll soon be wild with crazy fear, 
Insane, I'll tear my hair. 

AND now I lay the secret bare, 

(It gives me deepest shame !) 
I have no clothing fit to wear 
I'm going to my "hame. " 
For tyrant, Laundry, ever makes 
The vixen, Rips, gain power, 
At once he ravages and slits 
And then, — Dismay ! I cower ! 



S 



SHE WAS' CLEVER 

Wife — Oh, darling, I've lost my pearl brooch! 

Hubby — What are you going to do about it? 

Wife — Won't you offer a reward? 

Hubby— But I gave you five hundred the last 
time you lost it. 



S 



"Last time I was up to the Infirmary I had 
some of that pudding that they make with a bi- 
cycle pump." 



S 




IN ANY WEATHER 



S 



Spanish Senorita (discussing the mid-year in 
Spanish II)— "Girls, FLORETE means FOIL, or 
light sword, not little flower." 

Members of class compare notes in the corridor, 
forgetting the rules of the shush committee, on 
the sight translation of: 

"Lo doblaba hasta convertoilo en un arco, me 
azotaba los pantalones, lo blandia a guisa de 
florete." 

Viola — ' ' I wrote : ' I took a boat without taking 
off my trousers and then I planted a little flow- 
er.' " 

Eleanor — "I said: 'I stood under the arch and 
found I had forgotten my pants.' " 

Doris (in a rather weak voice)- — "He pulled 
off my — (pause) and twisted them into the like- 
ness of a little flower.' " 



S 



! It's a strong stomach that has no turning. 



A few men over 6 feet tall are wanted to dust 
off the books on the top shelves of the library. 



11 



THE SQUIB- 







DID YOU EVER GET A LETTER LIKE THIS? 

Any Woman's College, 

"Wednesday". 

Dear Hector — 

I received yonr darling letter sometime ago 
and please, please won't yon pardon my not 
having answered it sooner? You see, I have been 
so awfully busy and studies are so unusually dif- 
ficult that I have had very little time to spare — ■ 
you've forgiven me now, haven't you? That's 
wonderful of you. Oh, Hector, I have some po- 
tent news. You know that Miss Adams whose 
hair was so obnoxious to you, and who had such 
an excruciating voice, well, there is a rumor about 
the campus that she was expelled for taking three 
extra light cuts. Isn't that hectic? 

I just adore my astronomy prof. He has a dar- 
ling little moustache, and is so blase. I spoke to 
him for ten whole minutes yesterday and his eyes 
just thrilled me. I would have stayed longer but 
as there were about ten other girls waiting I had 
to leave. Wasn't that a shame? 

I dined with Willie Boyce from Amherst at the 
Draper a few evenings past. I think he is a trifle 
Bohemian, but. oh, he just rolls in wealth. He 
does dress so well, and his conversation was so il- 
luminating. He said his whole evening was ruin- 
ed without champagne. Can you imagine ? 



Don't tell your roommate, but I like him awful- 
ly well. He seems so virile. One of the girls at 
the house danced with him at your last informal, 
and she thinks he is awfully nice. Oh, Hector, 
are you going to your Prom this year? I must 
stop now as it is nearly ten o'clock. Nighty, 
night. 

As ever, 

AGNES. 



PLAIN FACTS 

Found on Exam Papers 

Hannibal invaded Italy with 30,000 men, 28 of 
which were elephants. 

A vacuum is an empty space with nothing in- 
side it. 

Gender explains whether a man is masculine, 
feminine or neuter. 

Days are shorter in December than in June be- 
cause the cold contracts. 



S 



A well known astronomy professor has put up 
the following notice: "All those who wish to see 
Venus tonight come to see me." 



S 



WE THINK SO TOO ! ! 

Prof. — "It is very important that you be mark- 
ed present whether you are here or not. 



S 



1/JARY had a little lamb 

And chewed it into pulp, 
But when the waiter brought the bill 
The lamb made Mary gulp. 



12 



THE SQUIB- 



A CURIOSITY 

Blink — Who is that guy over there ? 

Blank — He's the fellow that takes notes in tac- 
tics lecture. 



S 



COLLEGE GIRLS TAKE NOTICE 

Question received by our "Advice to the Love- 
Lorn'' Dept. — Kindly tell me why a girl always 
closes her eyes when a fellow kisses her. 

Ans. — Send us your photo, and we may be able 
to tell you the reason. 



S 



HM. WE THOUGHT SO. 

Enraged Student: — Let me see the man that 
cooked that stew ! 

Waiter: — Sorry, sir, but he was fired last 
Spring. 



A TREATISE ON THE SLEEPING SICKNESS 
PREVALENT IN THE LIBRARY 

CAID the little mnolecules of carbon 

Bound to little friends of oxide, 

And the other tiny rascal germlets, 

That within our library reside, 
' ' Lucky day and fair that brought us hither, 
Tossed about the universe — ■ 
Here we live in perfect, blissful freedom, 

Here we're not condemned a curse, 
Here we fear not cruel Ventilation — ■ 

A foe that drives us all to flight, 
Here in comfort, ease and cheering plenty 
Everything for us is bright. 

T>UT the weary student sighing, yawning 

In the stuffy heated nooks, 
Breathed again the atmosphere as ancient 

As the dusty, molding books — 
Breathed again the aged carbon oxide, 
Breathed a thousand times before, 
And o'ercome with drowsy suffocation, 

Drops his pen upon the floor, 
And his heavy eyelids flicker, waver 

Twixt the real and lands of dreams — 
Then his sleepy head sinks slowly downward, 

Hearing not stern Duty's screams! 



S 



S 



Prof. Hart— And I couldn't sell that flock of 
fish. 

Voice — Flying fish? 



Count de Noaccownt : — Deah fawther, I have 
proposed to your daughtah. And-er-the-dowry ? 

Whale Oil Soap King — Sure it 's a dory yer 
want, and I thot it wud be a steam yacht you'd 
be askin' for. 



S 



S 



Student on the B. & M. — Conductor, is this a 
fast train? 

—Yes Sir. 

— I thought so, do you mind if I get out to see 
what it is fast to ? 



Dear Squibby — Last night I went out with a 
young man and drank a pint of port wine. Did I 
do wrong? 

Ans. — Don't you remember? 



S 



I buy my shoes in Holyoke, the PAPER CITY. 



13 



THE SQUIB- 





li 



sH 




ouT^n 




DRILLING THE DEVILS 
A Military Melodrama in One Act 

Scene: The office of the Professor of Military 

Science and Tactics at an Eastern University. 
Time: Shortly before drill. 
Characters: Captain X, U. S. A. 

Sargent Y. U. S. A. (retired). 

(As curtain rises, a large pair of cavalry boots 
are discovered resting on the surface of a flat-top- 
ped desk. Bull Durham smoke and sighs emerge 
from behind the boots. All else is silence.) 

(There is a knocking at the door. Exit boots, 
enter head and shoulders of Capt. X.). 

Capt, X — Come in! 

I Enter Sargent Y, dressed in prescribed E. 0. 
T. C. uniform, in evident dejection.) 

Sarg. Y — (Peering fearfully at wrist watch). 
The zero hour approaches! 

Capt. X. — "What, so soon? Why, it hardly seems 
a day since I saw the last ruffian hurl his rifle into 
the rack and disappear within the Avails of yon 
library. 

Sarg. Y — Ah yes ! but 'twas four clays past, 
and now the chapel bell tells me that the desper- 
ate army is once more gathering to attack. (Sarg. 
Y. wipes brow, then bursts out wildly) — Oh sir. 
sir. think of my age. my family ! Surely our good 
government does not wish that I should risk my 
life in that crowd of devils, in that — that — . 

Capt. X. — Calm yourself, my dear sargent ! I 
assure you that I feel with you, for you. — 

Sarg. Y — If they would only detail me to Sibe- 
ria, to Hawaii, to Pelham. anywhere where civil- 
ized people live, but here — oh! — oh! 

Capt. X — I know, I know. (Coughs violently) 
Sargent, before the great conflict. I commanded 
a regiment in which three bloody bodies were laid 
on the snow in one single night. During the last 
few years, I led my brave dusky warriors over 
the top into the German trenches three times ; I 
languished for months in a prison camp, a pin 
cushion for Hun privates, a punching bag for 
Hun officers. But now, when I hear that blood- 
curdling yell, when I see the sneering fiends lined 
up before me, my knees tremble, and — (A great 
shout is heard below). 

Sarg. Y — (Grasping the desk for support.) 
They're here, they're here! Oh sir. would that 
thirty stripes were laid on my poor back rather 
than that I should venture into that den alone ! 

Capt. X — (Eising and grasping his comrades 
hand) FareAvell, sargent. farewell ! We may ne- 
ver meet again, but duty calls — calls — (They 
clasp each other, weeping on each other's necks; 
then the sargent breaks loose, salutes, faces about 
and exits.) 

(The shouting below grows louder, then dies 
away.) Captain X retires to a corner, sinks onto 
his knees, and prays. A whistle is heard. Capt. X 
takes a small picture from blouse pocket, kisses 
it tenderly, and — exits. 

Quick Curtain 



14 



THE SQUIB- 



TO MORNING CHAPEL 

'THE chapel belfry bell, 
Softly knells its knell, 

And Henry's there to yell 
Hip ! 

ll/HE leave the half-boiled oat, 
And seize the nearest coat, 

For Henry's lost his goat. 
Hip ! 

'THE snow storms bring their snow 
The seasons come and go, 

Still Henry's there to crow, 
Hip ! 

I^HEER up, the days are near, 
When we'll be glad to hear 

That warning ringing clear 
Hip ! 



S 



DARKNESS 

Shadowy, distant patter of footsteps, 
Sounds, eerie,? vague. 
A rattle of paper — 
Silence. — 

Suspicious deepening to certainty bringing 
Utter terror 

A tiny squeak 

MICE ! ! ! 



P)o<»x% Cold me to 
qe tr a little elope 
t thii new 
a i r ) '3 coll ege 




W §M®¥h WW^\ 





Guess this 

is it — 
Wo n cJ «■ r 

are t here 
Any li V e 

- ones — - 



* e K/A on- A tl -t 

yon v5w^ r (/ 



(ft 



Pot) t 
for Qe^me- 



f* tliiH^ < c reporter* 



f A \ 



<<" 









I 



r 



~^^\ 



s 



A despondent looking individual, with a coil of 
rope under one arm, walked into the hotel. 

He approached the night clerk and said, — 
''I'd like a small room on the top floor. One 
away from the street." 

"But what's the idea of the rope?" asked the 
night clerk. 

<<Oh er ■" said the D. L. I. 

"I'm bringing that along for a fire-escape." 
"I see," says the N. C. "Guests with fire- 
escapes kindly pay in advance." 



AGAitt / 




S 



Most men love the conflicting sex 
All men love to be told they do. 



15 



THE SQUIB- 



"DREAKING TNTO QOCIETY 

Three Acts, ending in a Scene 



*o 



Dramatis Personae: 

Miss Anette Muchadamon, 22, Mrs. Smith's College. 

Mr. Harry A. Buylow, a student at the Cultural College who seeks company of a fair maid. 

A company of several students from each college taking minor parts in the development of 
the tale. 

Scene: The Connecticut Valley 

ACT 1. — A telephone booth in Amherst. 

ACT II — Parlor at the Dixie House, Mrs. Smith's Campus. 

ACT III — Study room of H. A. Buylow after his return. 

A.CT I. 
"^UMBER Please." 

11 ■ " Northampton 8293. ' ' 

Gdring-g-g-g-g 

"Ten Cents, please. Ready." 

"Hello, may I speak to Miss Muchadamon?" 

"Hello" sweetly wafted over the wire. 

"Oh, Miss Muchadamon? Well, this is Sam Lanneff. You met me at an informal last fall. 
Yes, I have a special favor to ask of you, Miss Muchadamon. I have a friend here who wants to 
meet some girls and I am helping him out. I can't go over the river myself for a couple of weeks 
because I am loaded down with work, but I thought if I might introduce him over the 'phone you 
and he might arrange matters — (Harry, psst) — Miss Muchadamon, allow me to present Mr. Buylow 
(Go to it, friend) — 

ACT II 

Parlor at the Dixie House, Smith Campus. 

"Tl/TAY I see Miss Muchadamon?" 

"Yes, she will be right down." 

(Chorus of "Paging Annette" from ncoks and corners of the Dixie House.) 

"Miss Muchadamon? I'm Mr. Buylow. You know, agreeable to our telephone conversa- 
tion of last night I thought I would come over for the evening." 

"Oh! I am very glad to see you Mr. Buylow, won't you sit down?" 

("What the devil do you talk about, anyway?") 

Chorus of silence continues for several minutes. 

Finally: "How is everything at Smith? How's Mr. Smith, and Mrs. Smith, and all the little 
Smithies?" 

"Fine, thank you. Houz 'taters?" 

"Say, I think you look perfectly wonderful. I didn't know I was going to strike anything 
like this. What's this Paradise I've heard speak of over here?" 

"Paradise? Oh! that's up towards the end of the campus." 

"Well, you know I've heard quite a bit about it and I thought I might look it over. They 
told me that Milton based his 'Paradise Lost' and 'The Same Regained' on his college days." 

"Just a minute, and I'll put on some wraps and we'll give it the once around." 

Exeunt. Several awe-strucken female faces appear around various doors, etc. 

"Gee, who do you suppose tied that bat?" "She'd never fall for that thing." "Did you 
see that Waldemar — simulates opulence, I suppose." "If he idn't part his hair in the middle he'd 
be pretty good." "Do you suppose she'll get an informal out of him?" 

ACT III 

^CENE : — Study-room of Buylow. After his return. 

Enter Mr. Buylow. 

General chorus: — "Well, howdy er make out Harry?" "What kind of a time did you have?" 
"Did she fall for the jewelry?" "What does she look like?" "Did you pick a lemon?" "Tell 
us about it." "What did you do for amusement?" "Did you visit Paradise?" "When are you 
going over again?" "Did she like my shirt?" 



16 



X3=^ 




THE SQUIB- 



"TVBE bell at ten has put an end to play ! 

The last tired girl has scurried off to bed. 
The watchman downward plods his weary way, 
And, oh, for me, the long hard night that is ahead ! 
Now all but that black note book fades from si^lxi 
A deathly stillness fills the stuffy air, — 
Save when I sigh — a deep despairing sigh — 
And yawn and twist, here in my creaking chair. 
On those red lines and in my word-sign book 
My "ar's" and "ray's" are mixed and always 

wrong. 
Each shady, ill-proportioned word my shame. 
Dots for dashes, hooks where dots belong. 
Oh, breezy call of incense-breathing morn, 
The milkman's clanging bottles make me rage. 
The iceman's wagon loudly rumbles down rhe 
street — 

And now — at last — I've learned the whole blanked 
page." 

— Apology to Tom Gray. 



S 



Two year man — "Gee, the chaplain wrote me a 
letter the other day to find out why I was not at 
chapel." 



"Not that. The belles are peeling, don't you 
know. ' ' — Ex. 



S 



Abie — I think that I will buy one of them cheap- 
skin coats. 



S 




; ■ 



A JUNIOR 



You Will Like Our Optical Service 



for it is a service of the highest class, thoroughly modern in every respect, and main- 
tained constantly at the exacting standard we have set for ourselves. If you have the 
slightest suspicion of eye trouble you should come to us at once for a consultation with 
our expert optometrist. Remember, poor vision is a handicap in both work and play, 
and you cannot afford to neglect your eyes. 



i Our Art Department 



is a most attractive and unique art center, and in our gallery you will find many a pic- 
ture which will be just the thing for the college man's room. We shall be especially 
pleased to serve M. A. C. students with regard to the decoration of their rooms by dis- 
tinctive and appropriate pictures. 

THE PARK COMPANY, Inc. 

An Optical Shop of Distinctive Beauty and 
Superior Service 

257 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



18 



BEFORE PROHIBITION 

A kindergarten childrens' song as taught by a 
Wheelock girl to her pupils: — 

<<r THIS is the loving mother 

Always good, always dear; 
This is the busy father 
Always brave and full of cheer." 

A little tot was asked to recite the verse bef vi 
some company and rendered it as follows : 

<<r pHIS is the loing mother 

Always good, always dear; 
This is the busy fatehr 
Always brave and full of beer." 

S 

TRY IT 

The little girl came in in an angry mood, the 
tears were running down her cheeks despite her 
efforts to stop them. 

""What is the matter, Alice," asked her mother. 

After much inquiry, the little girl blurted out, 
"Well, a boy kissed me but I kissed him back on 
the cheek so hard I guess he won't do it again. 



A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY 

Two girls from Wheelock 's were sitting ir a 
crowded street car and were exchanging notes 
about the size of their practice classes. 

One remarked, "I have thirteen children, hew 
many have you?" 

The second replied, "I have fifteen." 

Whereupon an Irishman who overheard the re- 
marks asked, "Excuse me, ladies, but what part 
of Ireland did you two come from?" 

S 

"What is the difference between a barber and 
a sculptor?" 

"A barber curls up and dyes and a sculptor 
makes faces and busts." 



S 



Son of Progress — Wouldn't it be possible to 
keep corn if you had an air tight place with good 
ventilation. 



Watch for the "Sporting News" number. 

IT COMES IN MAY. 

Prom engagements will be treated therein. 



♦;<«■• 



The New and Beautiful 

HOTEL 

BRIDGWAY 

Bridge Street and Broadwav 

SPRINGFIELD 

Business Men's Lunch, 12 to 2.30, 75c. 
Dinner, 6 to 8.30, $1.50 

Informal Dancing Every Evening from 10 to Midnight 
Excellent Music hy the Bridgway Orchestra 

GEORGE A. LEONARD 

Vice-President and Resident Manager 

CLOTHES MAKE MABLE 

Slim: — "You don't seem as enthusiastic over 
Mabel as you used to. ' ' 
Jim: — "Naw, I saw her in a gym suit." 

— Sun Dodger. 
♦ ♦ ♦ 

"Did you hear about the Elevator dance?" 

"No." 

"It's a cinch. No steps to it." 

— Record. 



I 



FOOD FOR THOUGHT 

If there are fourteen hairs on the left side of a 
bald man's head- and you can get three barrels of 
succotash from 1-4 of an acre of corn and beans 
which sell at two cents an ounce, how many pota- 
to parings will it take to shingle the roof of the 
Bingville meetin' house? 

— Awgwan. 



i 



College Store 



Get the 
habit 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



► 0*^o-«»-(>-g 



ARTHUR P. WOOD, Jeweler 



! Ikofcafcs 
I 

o 

I 



-iX'.-^axi-e 



The Jewel Store of Northampton 
Modish Styles in Jewelry- 
Watch and Clock Hospital — the one where opera 
tions are successfully performed 

It Pays to Trade Here 
197 Main St. Tel. 1307-M Opp. City Hall j jfOUtltatn pOtS 



Victor IRecorfcs i 

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3 

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^Deuel's SDrug $tore 



i 



i 



7 

i 

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pipes I 

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e 



PLAZA THEATRE 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

PICK O'THE WORLD 
PHOTOPLAYS 

FROM FAMOUS PRODUCERS PRESENTING 

America's Greatest Stars 

PROGRAM CHANGED DAILY 
Frederick P. Belmont, Mgr. 



"Gladys," said her mother, "you stood on the | 
porch quite a while with that young man last 
night." • j 

"Why, mother," replied Gladys, "I only stood j 
there for a second." 

i 

"Yes," said mother, "but I am sure I heard the j 
third and the fourth." 

= 

— Lehigh Burr 

I 



♦ ♦ ♦ 

FAMOUS LINES FROM FAMOUS AUTHORS 

"Gnashing his teeth our hero dived into the 
soup. ' ' — Dante. — Gargoyle. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 



j The Plymouth Inn ) 

West and Green Streets 

Northampton j 

Homelike and Refined Atmosphere 
Meals a la carte 

j Rooms $2.00, with bath $3.00 

On the approved list' ( 

Visit our Tea Room in Annex when wanting a 

NICE LUNCH 
All Home Cooking — Open 11 a. m. to 8 p. m. 



R J. GARE & SON 



i 

i r 

112 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. 

o 

I 

o 

"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over 
I 

our stock a t an y time. 



A youth met a maid at the shore 
And he said, ' ' Your the girl I adore, 

I trust, yes I do, 

That I'll see more of you." 
And she blushed and he wondered what for. 

—Roller Monthly 

♦ ♦ ♦ 
Mt. Holyoke girls appear in tents of the Arabs. 

— Traveler. 



CO-OPERATE "WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



H).^i>-«»(l«>(|«»i(-«KH«(HIO.i<».||^iH^il^ll«»i)« 1 HH«KI«»ll«»0«»''l^lH 






*-<-^*-t>-^n-o-^m+o-<^m>-^^<>-9 



HOTEL NONOTUCK 

HOLYOKE, MASS. 

A Most Desirable Stopping Place For 

Business Men and Tourists 

Dancing in the main restaurant every evening, 
except Sunday, from 7 to 11.30 

SYNCOPATED ORCHESTRA 

Special Concert Every Sunday Evening 



Hardware 



THE MUTUAL PLUMBING & HEATING CO. 



Amherst 



If You are interested in a Good 



WATCH or DIAMOND 



See 



JAMES BERRY 



Jeweler 

161 Main Street Northampton; Mass. 
Next to Western Union 



►.,>.»»- o-bimhi-^b*! >■««»- 1. ■«» i m»»-.nHMn>-«»-M-«B».<m 



»(l«»()«l{)«»l)«IO«»{)4 



PATRONIZE AGGIE MEN 



SHOES 

AND 

HOSIERY 

VALUE— QUALITY— SERVICE 

HARRY BERMAN 

7 South College— Up One Flight 



JOHN F. PLANTE 
OPTOMETRIST AND OPTICIAN 

54 SUFFOLK ST. HOLYOKE 



CHICAGO— Co-eds cheer on Delta Tau Delta 
and Sigma Alpha Epsilon freshies in pa jama race; 
six wore pink and six wore blue, at start, but nil 
were purple with cold. Then co-eds fed 'em milk 
from nursing bottles. — Boston Traveler 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

WHY THE RUSH? 

Fan — (late arrival, out of breath) : "What's the 
score?" 

Pan — "Nothing to nothing." 

Fan— "Good game, eh?" 

Pan — "I don't know. It hasn't started yet." 

— Sun Dodger 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Er — "Where can I find ladies' garters?" 
"Oh, sir, can't you guess." 

— Lampoon. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Daughter — Oh, father, how grand it is to be 
alive ! The world is too good for anything. Why 
isn't everyone happy? 

Father — Who is he this time? — Tar Baby. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Women who consider indecent the short skirts 
some women affect may base their opposition on 
reasons they do not wish to make public — Judge. 

She — "Have you seen the new bodies this fall, 
Albert?" 

He (dopily) — "Solar, automobile or Winter 
Garden, m 'dear? ' ' — Jack-o-Lantern. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Old Tar (on ocean liner) — "I notice, madam, 
that you haven't got your sea-legs yet?" 

Young Widow (blushing) — "Well, you would 
not be able to notice them if it weren't for this 
naughty wind. ' ' — Awgwan. 

o ♦ ♦ 

Beauty is all that woman has to fight with. 
Well, they '11 never be arrested for carrying con- 
cealed weapons. 

—Life. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 






- *■ *;. 



AM HE 



iiege, 






MAY 8 4 1820 



TO nssie 




SPORTING NEWS 



E J. GARE & SON 



| 112 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. I 



"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look oVer 
our stock a t aT VJ time. 



HOTEL NONOTUCK 

HOLYOKE, MASS. 

A Most Desirable Stopping Place For 
Business Men and Tourists 

Dancing in the main restaurant every evening, 
except Sunday, from 7 to 11.30 

SYNCOPATED ORCHESTRA 

Special Concert Every Sunday Evening 






Rounder 1 — What are we doing tonight? 
Rounder 2 — Let's go over to the cemetery and 



dig up a couple of girls. 



— Yale Record 



I ♦ ♦ ♦ 

I 

| Parent — Was that my daughter I saw you kiss 

I ing last night? 



Diogenes, Jr — No, sir; your wife. 



j 

Yale Record j 

t 



AMHERST LAUNDRY 

Prices adopted t>y best Laundries in Springfield 

Hartford and New Haven, etc. 

WET WASH 

4c. a pound, minimum 80c. 35c extra for drying 

ROUGH DRY 

7c. a pound, lc additional each piece. Minimum 50c. 

WASH AND IRON 

Flat work 7c. a pound, lc. additional each piece. 
Starched Goods at list prices 

FAMILY WASH 

(all sorts of -work) 7c. a pound, lc. additional each 
piece. Starched pieces at list prices. Bodywork 7c. pc. 

Work Guaranteed — Prompt Delivery 



■ ..— -o 



Some people live to eat, Others eat to live. 

Boy den's Restaurant 



i 

j Delicious Dishes 

i 



Serves All 



Catering 
Facilities for College Banquets 



j 

Best of Service j 

i 



196 Main Street 



Northampton 



Small Boy — What's an isthmus, papa? 

Dad — A bottle with a narrow neck, me boy. 

Small Boy — Well, your isthmus is sticking out 
of your hip pocket. — Gargoyle 



Those boys at that house must have awfully 
good times. Dick was telling me about a new 
game they play over there. 

What was the game? 

I don't know exactly. Dick called it galloping 
dominoes. — Gargoyle 



f -i % z»<]«e-n<i^(iciMi 






OUR REPUTATION FOR MARKED 
SUPERIORITY IS UNIQUE 



AVE ARE THE BEST 
WE ADMIT IT 



SODAS- 



-SUNDAES 



CHOCOLATES 



KINGSLEY'S, Inc. 

The Attractive Store 
140 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 



! PLAZA THEATRE | 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

j PICK OTHE WORLD | 

! PHOTOPLAYS [ 

PROM FAMOUS PRODUCERS PRESENTING 

America's Greatest Stars i 

■ i 

PROGRAM CHANGED DAILY 

Frederick P. Belmont, Mgr. \ 



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(Barnes 



Once our games were with marbles 
And tops and our boyhood toys, 
We knuckled and pegged them in earnest, 
We played with the fierceness of boys. 

Wild tribes from the riotous west, 
Then bandits or heroes far-famed 
We mimicked in every respect, 
The men who traced o'er the plain. 

But games on the court and the diamond 
Surplantcd these wandering dreams, 
And we scored points in keener contests 
Alone or amassed by teams. 

Sports we played for their own sakes. 
Victory the laurel alone 
We strove thoughtless of future 
We worked for the game and won. 

But the game of life, far keener, 
Where you're team and coach all in one 
Holds the sweets of success as its glory 
To the man whose work is his fun. 




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QUID AG IS AGE, AGGIE. 



Literary Department 

F. J. Binks, '20 Editor. 

B. F. Jackson, '22, Asso. Editor. 
R. R. Brown, '20. 

C. A. Doucette, '20. 
A. F. Boyce, '20. 
C. E. White, '22. 
C. R. Vinten, '22 
T. T. Abele, '23. 



Editor- Ln-Chief, 
John A. Crawford. 

Art Department 
G. A. Smith, '20. Editor. 
M. P. Webster. '20. 

E. B. Labrovitz, '21. 

F. S. Fletcher, "23 
C. A. Towne/23. 



Business Department 
D. C. Douglass, '21, Manager. 
L. P. Martin, '21, Advertising. 
G. H. Derrick, '20, Circulation. 
M. M. Smith, '22. . 
0. B. Bartlett, '23. 
F. E. Buckley, '23. 
R. P. Lawrence '22 
D. A. Nowers, '23. 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by students of the Massachusetts Agricultural 
College, on the first day of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications 
should be addressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Editor-in-Chief. 
Subscribers who do not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Snb 
scription price $1.25 in Amherst, $1.35 elsewhere. Single copies 25 cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as 
second-class matter. 



Vol. IV 



MAY 1920 



No. 5 



HIGH SCHOOL DAY 

MAY fifteenth will bring to the campus, a 
number of high school boys, — boys of va- 
rious interests and tastes. They will meet 
older boys of various interests and tastes. 
Each group will look the other over and make a 
decision. 

Both groups have come together with a common 
purpose, — to see what the other is like. To please 
as far as possible will be the policy of the day. 



The men of this campus will set forth all they 
have. Tufts defeated in football, Amherst defeat- 
ed in basketball, good baseball material and the 
game of the day will be fully explained. The 
alumni field will be pointed out with a just pride, 
sifting cinders and pledging of hard cash as indi- 
cations of college spirit will be rightly shown. 
The Memorial building, another mark of Aggie 
spirit and appreciation for service, will speak for 
itself. Its use will be explained. The Collegian, 
the Index and the Squib must be perused and the 
good points of them brought to the front. Later, 



THE SQUIB- 



the charm of fraternity life will be reflected in 
the hospitality of each house. Not only student 
life will be explained but the advantages of the 
curriculum and the equipment will be given. For- 
midable and picturesque characters on the campus 
will be quoted. In fact, this college will be turned 
inside out for the inspection of anyone who will 
look at it. But much of what is poured in the 
ears of the high school boys will be forgotten. 

On the other hand there will be one display 
more interesting to the high school students than 
any other. On that display will rest, in a large 
measure, their choice of a college. That display 
will be of the men here. The impression of sin- 
cerity and cordiality will last, whereas the scenes 
of the campus and baseball scores may be dim 
within a few weeks. 

"What should be the Aggie man's policy on this 
day? It is obvious. No matter what the main in- 
terest of a man may be, whether he be a grind or 
an athlete, a reporter or a social lion, he should 
expend his energy to set forth M. A. C. in its best 
and most characteristic colors and extend most 
heartily to the visitors the invitation "Come to 
Aggie." 



WITH this issue of the Squib, the old board 
passes to the newly appointed board, that 
will handle the paper for next year, the 
full management of the paper. With it go respon- 
sibilities for the future success of the magazine. 

The old board has tried to publish a humorous 
magazine which could be enjoyed equally by the 
strictest Puritans and the nosiest revelers, it has 
tried to print jests and sketches free from degrad- 
ing suggestion. In the main it has succeeded. 
This precedent goes to the new board as a charge. 
This year's efforts have been experimental in the 
field of publication and in the field of people's 
interests. The new board will be better able to 
satisfy the humorous sense of its subscribers be- 
cause of this experience. 

The old board passes to the new board its 
dreams and ambitions and hopes the future will 
show Squibby as a still funnier fellow than he has 
been this year. 



S 



S 



WOMAN !— 

Little boy — Mother, are there any men angels in 
heaven? 

Mother — Why, certainly dear. 

L. B. — But mother, I never saw any pictures of 
angels with whiskers. 

M. — No dear, men get in with a close shave. 



THIS IS A GOOD ONE 
"Did you catch any fish?" 
"Did I, about a bushel." 
"Bite easy?" 

"Bite easy? Why I had to stand behind a tree 
to bate my hook." 



THE SQUIB- 



THE SMOTHER TONGUE 

Mr. Serex, a cliera. professor. 

Is a mighty nifty dresser. 
And he likes to help the co-eds in the lab. 

Tho his chemistry is corking. 

He is rather poor at talking. 
For his knowledge of the Mother Tongue is bad. 

Very clever at titrations. 

And his chem. hallucinations, 
As a chemist he would surely win a prize. 

We respect his higher knowledge. 

Glad to have him here at college. — 
But we wish he wouldn't call the class "vouse 



guys. 



S 



MAYNARD BEATEN 

BY AN EYELASH 

— Boston Globe. 
"We wish father had used one. 

S 

THE SONG THE SINGLE SINNER SANG AT 

SING SING 
(As metamorphased by our staff correspondent) 

Oh, it 's nice to get up in the morning, for a seven- 
thirty class; 

At four or five or six o'clock, with a physics quiz 
to pass. 

But when the profs are crabby, and there 's finals 
overhead, — 

Oh, it's nice to get up in the morning, but, — 

IT'S NICER TO LIE IN TOUR BED 



INDOOR SPORTS 

Watching Doc. Chamberlain play with his che- 
mical billiards. 

Trying to write that thesis with a penny poker 
game at its height. 

Standing in the doorway at the Informal listen- 
ing to the music and commenting on the foot 
movements of the dancers. 

Listening to your roommate tell about that 
clever jane he rushes around in the home town. 

Serving punch at the Junior Prom while the 
birds in the swallow-tails do their loving to music. 

Making an airtight box with a lot of ventilation. 

Keeping awake in class after walking from 
Hartrp the night before. 

Calling up that girl at Mount Holyoke with the 
"Vic" raging a wicked jazz. 



S 



He — A kiss is the language of lovers. 
She — Then please say something. 



-Too Doo 



S 

Pat says they do not put corkscrews on jack- 
knives anjmiore. 

— Get him, he must have something to need a 
corkscrew for. 



S 



We have all heard of shoulder shakers, salt 
shakers, shimmie shakers and now they tell us 
in agronorav that there are automatic shakers. 




ONE THAT WILL WORK. 



THE, SQUIB- 



BANQUET RULES FOR 1921 

Because of the well known murderous tenden- 
cies of the class of 1923 some modifications must 
be made in the banquet rules as laid down 
for 1921. 

Section 2 shall be changed to read "A sealed 
list of the Freshman class officers, giving the 
names in full with the respective office each holds 
and an appropriate epitaph plainly written beside 
each name, shall be handed to the president of the 
senate on or before April 28." 

The last two words in section 6 shall be changed 
from "that evening" to "that week" so that the 
banquet may take place any time within a week 
after the scrap. This is so that enough men may 
be recovered to enjoy it. 

Mr. Kenney requests that in section 7, after the 
list of buildings that may not be used, it be added, 
"No buildings shall be demolished or removed 
from their foundations. ' ' 

In section 8 the sentence, "Clubs and firearms 
shall not be used," shall be changed to read, 
"Clubs, firearms and knives with blades over one 
foot in length shall not be used." Wc are sorry 
to have to so deaden the sport but good men are 
so scarce that we cannot permit too many to be 
killed. 

Section 10 shall be changed to read "Anyone in- 
fringing rule 4 or committing murder in cold 
blood, will be liable to college discipline. 



S 



NEW COURSE ADVOCATED 



Fussing 52 to be Added to Curriculum 



For the school year of 1920-21 the faculty has 
greatly revised and improved the course in ' ' fuss- 
ing 52 ' ', to which all classes are eligible. Because 
of the cramped conditions in Draper Hall, indi 
vidual attention has in the past been difficult. In 
the new laboratory that will be completed next 
year, there will be room sufficient for each pupil 
to work without outside interference. There will 
be two lab. periods each week. The student will 
be graded upon his "rep" with the girls at the 
end of the term. All who successfully pass the 
course will receive certificates of recommendation 
to Smith College. An expression of sympathy will 
be sent by the college to the family of any man 
so unfortunate as to become engaged during the 
course. 



Mr. X--Intercollegiate wrestler is 
wrestling instructor at Sargent 
School Summer Camp. 

— News Item. 
Some jobs call for labor 
In varying quantities, 
Others are a pleasure, 
Hours of luxurious ease. 
There's such a job as fussing — 
No salary to be sure — 
But teaching the ladies to wrestle, 
Oh boy ! What a job to procure. 

No place for a woman hater, 
No chance for a shunner of dames, 
When you're giving the half -Nelson 
And really playing the game. 
It's a manly art, this wrestling, 
Demands much vigor and dare, . 
Tight clinches, long endurance, 
And a squeeze like a grizzly bear. 

One needs physique and action, 

A dead man won't do at all, 

No half-hearted work is accepted, 

One must have zeal, or else fall, 

But after thinking it over, 

All things considered, you know, 

If the students would only do their part, 

A man might make it a go. 

—Gosh ! ! 

S 

Food expert — Yes, on a egg a man can travel 
a long way. 

Any husband — Maybe so, but on the price of 
one you can travel a lot further. 

S 

"Please take your cheek from off my coat" 

The earnest swain did say, 
"Clothes are not quite so washable 

As lips are, any day. ' ' 

S 

Mabel — We had a lobster at our house for din 
ner last night. 

Grace — Why, I thought Harry left town. 

S 

He — I guess I'll go out for the mile, that's a 4- 
lap race. 

She — Better try the clashes, you can't handle 
one lap yet. 



THE SQUIB- 








~fte 

(jo in*t*H»*"W 



^ 



~TKe 
Empty ChecK.BooK 



AFTER PEOM WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY 



IN THIS CASE, TOO 
There was a young student at Aggie, 
Whose girl was a co-ed named Maggie, 

They went to the Prom, 

And danced until dawn, 
So that both at the knees became saggy. 



S 



Weary traveler : — Captain, may I work my pas- 
sage on your canal boat ? 

Captain of canal boat : — Yes, you can lead the 
mule. 



S 



Sal — See her carry on, will you, you think she 
did not know she was deaf. 

Hepatica — She probably hasn't heard about it 
yet. 



A very large woman passed away and the sex- 
ton was hired to dig the grave. When the bill 
came to the bereaved husband, it was double the 
usual price. 

The lawyer to whom the case was given inter- 
viewed the sexton concerning his exorbitant 
charges for grave digging. 

The sexton replied, "When I dig a grave, I 
charge three dollars, but when I dig a cellar, I 
charge more. ' ' 



S 



Some of the fraternity league sluggers are try- 
ing to send a ball to Mars before Prof. Todd's bal- 
loon gets there. 



6 



THE SQUIB- 



ATTENTION, 

The Squib wishes to announce the opening of a 
STUPENDOUS BEAUTY CONTEST. This con- 
test will be open to any college student of the fair 
sex. If you wish to enter, send a photograph of 
yourself, UNTOUCHED, to the Squib's BEAUTY 
CONTEST EDITOR, Box 999, South College. 
Don't hesitate to enter this contest. Somebody 
may think that you are beautiful. Who knows? 
So that no partiality will be shown, we request 
you not to affix your signature to the portrait. 
Numbers will be assigned so that the judges will 
have some means of positive identification. The 
judges will be announced later, but it is expected 
that Profs Payne and McNutt will officiate. Use- 
ful prizes will be presented to the successful con- 
testant. Deuel's have already promised a vanity 
case, and the hardware store a complete set of 
paints. Don't fail to try for these valuable prizes. 
Entries will close positively as soon as we have re- 
covered from the shock of receiving the first ap- 
plication. 

Note — This is not an advertising scheme. 

S 
"STRIKERS IN CHICAGO DIVIDED" 

— The Boston Transcript 

We always favored vigorous action, but this 
suggests hanging and quartering of the dark ages. 



SCENE :— THE BASEBALL DIAMOND 

Coach — What was that noise ? 

Player — Jerry was just hit on the head with the 
ball. ' 

Coach — Well, that's the first time I've heard of 
him using his head. 

S 

QUITE TRUE 

"I had to laugh today — " 

"Do you really mean that you had to." 

"Yes, it was one of the Prof's jokes." 

S 

A headline of the Chicago Times on an article 
about the hanging of a man who claimed he was 
innocent. 

Jerked to Jesus 

s 

OUR MODERN VOCABULARY 

Mayme— Did ya tell the fat old guy to beat it? 

Sayde — G'wan, d'ya think I'm glued to that 
old slang stuff? I told the poor Bol to deport him- 
self. — Life. 



We here illustrate the blank letter forms shortly to be put on sale at the college store. 



P. 0. Box M. A. C. 

Amherst, Mass., 
1920 



Dear Dad: 



I wish you could be up here to enjoy our good times with us. Things sure are booming at Aggie 

and your little is doing his share. Why only the other day I was elected 

This is one of the biggest honors the college affords. At this rate I ought 

to be president of the senate before I graduate. 

Of course they are rushing us pretty hard in our studies. You never saw a college where a 

fellow has to study any harder. The other night I didn't turn in until after However 

I am coming along finely and ought to get all good marks this term if the profs aren't too cranky. 

About the only objection I have to this school is the expense and of course it is worth the price 
to attend M. A. C. A fellow who can get through here on twice what the catalogue estimates, is 
doing wonders. Of course I know you haven't much money to spare just now so I've been watching 

every penny like a miser. However I find I will need about $ more now to pay back debts and 

the rest of my bare living expenses until I could spend $ more without be- 
ing at all extravagant, the costs of everything are so high here. 



With love to you and mother, 



COLLISION ON VERMONT ROAD 

— Boston Herald 

We are glad to learn the C. V. has more than 
one engine. 

No longer shall we say, "I'm going home on the 
C. V. for their last two engines hit tiie iron grave- 
yard. Of course this is a very sad affair, not the 
fact that many lives were lost, but the road will 
have to be closed until a crop of grass can be 
grown on the banks of the tracks to help in the re- 
plenishing of the treasury. Signs will be posted 
at varied distances along the track notifying 
bums, tramps and hobos of the fact, so that they 
will not be disappointed when the local does not 
"chug" up the track at the terrific speed of ten 
miles an hour. This catastrophe strikes the col- 
lege hardest because many of our noted ''bumper 
riders" will not be able to see the Dortmouth 
game. The officials of the road are thinking se- 
riously of introducing motor busses with flanged 
wheels to run between the towns less than fifty 
miles apart. If this idea works the order for a 
new steam eater will be cancelled. It would be 
wholly fitting if the student body as a Avhole 
would send the manager who is now out of a job. 
a bunch of red darnations and a wreath of spitu - 
nias and salivas. 

S 

Precious bride — I was married last week, father. 
Irate parent — Don't let it happen again. 

S 

He — Tou can judge a watch by the company it 
keeps. 

Coy miss — Yours must have nearly stopped, 
then. 

S 

ODE TO THE UMPAT THE GAME 

The shades of night Avere falling fast 

As glanced the ball the ump's dome past ; 

He scarce emitted a dull groan, 

His tough old dome was made of bone. 

— Jotaline. 



THE SQUIB- 



S 



Ruth — I was so excited my breath 
pants. 



came in 



S 



The Amherst Police Department have been very 
busy the last few weeks trying to solve the mys- 
tery — how did the prunes get stewed? 



"SIMS BORNE OUT." 

— The Boston Transcript. 
Has he been fighting too ? 



S 



"Doc, you must do something about this red 
nose of mine." 

"It isn't serious. For ten years you haven't 
bothered." 

"I know. But now my friends are worrying 
me to death. Think I have gat a secret stock." 

—Life. 



S 



"Who was Xero, Bill?" asked one student of 
another. "Wasn't he the chap who was always 
cold? 

"No" said the wise student, "that was Zero, 
another guy altogether." 



S 



We don't need to found an overall club at this 
college, all we need do is reorganize it. 



S 



THE NEWS TRAVELS 

A boy wouldn't open his mouth for the dentist 
to extract a tooth. The dentist told his mother to 
stick a pin into his leg. As was expected with this 
treatment, the boy opened his mouth and the den 
tist got the tooth. After it had come out, the boy 
with great wonder said: 

"I did not know that it reached down that far. " 



S 



The fleetfootedness of one of our graduates was 
shown recently when Dolly Dole ran down a fox. 



S 



If a stranger happened to hear Doc. Sims giving 
one of his lectures he would think he was running 
for President. 



S 



P. D. Q. — Why do you want to be freighted? 
R. F. D.— Because I can express myself. 



8 



THE SQUIB- 




ADAMS DRUG STORE MIGHT TRY THIS TO GET TRADE 



S 



(Headline from the Daily Illini.) 
TO DO BUSINESS, GO WHERE BUSINESS IS 

— Moo vi. 

"We always thought that the moon was a dead 
world ! 



S 



ROUND AND ROUND 

"The worm has turned," said one unsuccessful 
promoter. 

"Yes, I just bit his tail but he ran around to 
the other side of the apple and I bit off his head. ' ' 



S 



Sponsor — Do you ever get dry when you sail in 
these small boats way out in the ocean? 

Old Salt — The only part of me that ever gits 
dry at sea is me throat, ma'm. 



A POEM IN IAMBUS 

This poem was selected as the winner of the 
English 27 contest, it reminded the judge so much 
of Scott. 

Oh, it will take a lot of time 

To write poems in iambic rhyme; 

And twenty lines must finished be, 

Before the chapel bell strikes three ! 

I'll write a poem about the spring, 

And flowers, and birds, and everything ; 

And brooks, and bees, and butterflies — 

But no. Full fifty other guys 

Will do the same ! I'll shoot a line 

About my own sweet Madeline. 

Oh ! she 's the only living girl 

With wavy hair and teeth of pearl — 

But I'll be kidded for a year, 

If I write poems about my dear. 

Well, I must give it up, I guess, 

I ain't no poet, I must confess. 

Oh Lord ! It sure will be like heaven 

If I pass English 27 ! 



9 




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.) 



THE SQUIB- 



Says Bow-Legged Men Are Best 
Husbands-Bald Ones the Worst 

• — Boston Herald 

'"Hey! fellers, gather round, listen to this." 

" 'Mrs. Schmidt of the Bronx says that bow- 
legged men make the best husbands, while the 
worst life-mate is the bald-headed male.' She 
knows, too, 'cause she says she has been married 
three times." 

"I can't say as how I agree with her there about 
the baldies. D'yer mean to say I can't be a good 
husband?" declared Hairless. 

"You make a good husband? What'r 'yer 
going to do, get married? Nobody could ever 
fall for you, Baldy. You need to grow bow-leg- 
ged." 

"Listen to what else she says about you, Baldy" 

" 'In the first place, bald-headed men fly 
aroung with other men's wives, bust up happy 
homes (see what you're coming to) and leave a 
string of broken hearts in their wake.' Oh, you 
scoundrel, Baldy. Have you crossed the river 
this week?" 

"Read some more of that article, Smitty. You 
haven't struck anything about the bow-legged va- 
riety. What does she say about 'em?" 

" 'Ah, the bowdegged men. They make the 
finest husbands in all the universe. They are the 
best and most loving life-mates. (Oh boy — Ah-h-h) 
My third has bow-legs. (What's the radius?) He 
is an angel, a perfect saint, but by no means a per- 
fect 36. (That must be why the cream of the co- 
eds fell for you, there, Ichabod.) Girls, take my 
advice and only say 'yes' to the eternal question 
when the suitor for your hand in marriage has 
legs that would not stop a pig in an alley!" (She 
don't know the farmer's ability to manage pigs.) 

' ' Gosh, ain 't women strange ' creatures ! ' " 

S 

Prof: "What is your solution to the World 
Problem?" 

Pat: "A world Democracy, with an Irishman 
for President, sor. " 

S 

"Well, Cy, I understand that you are going to 
take summer boarders this year. ' ' 

"Yas, we didn't have ter, but my wife loves ter 
hear thet there city dialect". 



CROSSED WIRES 

Two poker fans talking over the party of the 
night before, at which one was not present. 

"Yeah, Joe must have taken a little too much 
cider. When old man Collins bet his pile on 
three tens and lost it,Joe stuck his face up close 
to the old man's nose and said several uncompli- 
mentary things about the old man's game of 
marbles, tiddlywinks, etc. You know how mild 
and gentle the old man is. He wouldn't swat a 
mosquito. ' ' 

"Must have been hard on the old man. That 
mug of Joe's would make a lamp post turn pale. 



Too bad somebody can't change it. 
Collins do? : 



What did 



Central gets the wires crossed and cuts in a 
baseball fan getting enthusiastic over the win- 
ning hit of the day before. Joe Spitzlinger had 
pitched against the home team. 

"Banged it on the beezer for one swell drive. 
Y'oughter seen that wallop. Leaned right on it. 
The old boy is right there with the berries when 
it comes to hitting. A whale of a hit ! Knocked 
the skin clean off it. Evened things up in great 
style. Believe me, we whooped the boy home. 
Then we sailed right in with a few more wallops 
and knocked this terror Joe clean out. Sent 
him higher 'n a kite ! Buried him under an ava- 
lanche ! Punch? We had a corner on it. You 
missed the scrap of your life. 

"Ye gods: Poor old Joe — poor old Joe." 



S 



The young minister who had just preached a 
trial sermon before the deacons of the Presby- 
terian Church asked his uncle, one of the listen- 
ers, what he thought of the address. 

"Weel, " said the Scot "In the foist place it 
wuz read too fast — in the second place it wuz 
not read loud enough — and in the third place, 
it wuz not worth the reading." 



S 



MACHINERY DISPLACES MEN-SOMETIMES 



"I see that a fellow out in Mis- 
souri has invented an attach- 
ment to keep girls from falling 
out of hammocks." 

"Well, no good looking girl 
will ever need to use one when 
I 'm around. ' ' 




12 



THE SQUIB- 



SINGING A CHAPEL HYMN 



A Tragedy in Three Spasms 



Time — Any chapel time. 

Cast of Characters — Those Aggie students who 
resist the temptation of a morning in bed. 

The Dean or President. 

Henry Young and minor characters. 

Spasm I 
A bell rings in the near distance. Henry 
glances at his Ingersol. It says 7.41. A piercing 
yell issues from between the folds of his hand- 
some mustache, and immediately a mob of strag- 
glers pour forth from the hash-house, and enter 
the Auditorium, just as the officer in command 
is announcing, ' ' We will sing the first and fourth 
stanzas of hymn 777. Thereupon a hideous scrap- 
ing noise sends shivers up one's pinal column. 
The hymn-books are being extracted from their 
resting place. The organ begins to throb, fierce- 
ly, and with a shuffling of feet, a hundred odd 
voices are lifted in harmony (_?.). The volume is 
marvelous. The quality cannot be described in 
words. 

Spasm II 
The first stanza ends. There is a short spell 
of labored breathing. The next one begins with 
much less enthusiasm. A curious jumbling of 
words is noticeable. Half of the congregation is 
singing stanzza two instead of four. Complica- 
tions ensue. The supporters of the second real- 
ize their error and call a halt. Decrease the 
volume by one-half. The organ is ahead of the 
game. The singing is dying, dying, dying. 

Spasm III. (Sooner or later) 
A terrible crash is heard a little before the 
singing ceases. Henry pokes his head in the 
door. He demands the cause from a sleepy 
freshman in the rear, who answers " 'Snothing. 
Henry, one of the co-eds dropped a hair-pin." 



S 



BIG LEAGUE STUFF 
She — "I don't know a thing about baseball." 
He — "Oh, let me tell you about it." 
Deep voice from top of stairs. — "Well, give 
us an example of a home run." 



S 



MUST HAVE BEEN A SENIOR WITH A JOB 

Father, (visiting college) — -"Son, these are bet- 
ter cigars than I can afford." 

Son — "That's all right, dad, take all you want, 
this is on me." 



SCIENTIFICALLY CLASSIFIED DANCE 
ORDERS 

Due to the difficulties of telling who owns 
which of Prom and Informal dance orders, Squib- 
by decided that the problem is of sufficient im- 
port to merit the services of the man who classi- 
fied all complexions in just two groups — natural 
and artificial. In other words, Professor I. M. 
Scientific has suggested that a scientific classi- 
fication is the "only reliable." 

Squibby submits to his readers the following 
suggestion for distinguishment : 




S 



Would-be philosopher — What men like best in 
women is their sympathy. They like to have some 
one who will listen to them. 

Sweet thing — And what do the women think 
about in the meantime? 



S 



The word sophomore and moron have the same 
derivatives. 

Quite apparent. 



S 



Enthusiastic pupil — She can tell the difference 
between eighty-two different odors. 

Gas house plumber — Gawd! What a life she 
must lead. 



S 



LATEST STATIONERY 
"Have you any vanilla folders." 



13 



THE INSECT BUZZER 



Vol.3 



Published exclusively for all 
LOWER PHYLA 
Subscription price: — 3 reeds per instar. 



No. 1 



DOCTOR FELIS DOMESTICA 
MAKES WONDERFUL DISCOVERY 



Years of La"bor on One of Human 
Species at Last Rewarded 



Doctor Felis Domestica, who has 
spent six of his nine lives in a synthe- 
tic study of that strange animal, Gor- 
donia Bennedida, has at last been re- 
warded. Last Tuesday afternoon, af- 
ter carefully peeling off six layers of 
tough tissues (epidermis exteriorosis) 
from the animal's head, the doctor dis- 
covered a microscopic cavity, which at 
first glance seemed vacant, but which 
the ultra microscope revealed to be 
covered with shallow scratches. 

Doctor Domestica believes these 
scratches to be the last traces of the 
animal's brain. He concludes that back 
in the Pliocene age the Gordonia Bon- 
bedidia had but one layer of epidermis 
exteriorsis, and thatj certain simple 
thoughts could pierce the animal's 
head. The brain was then present and 
became so sharp that scratches were 
formed. As the centuries rolled on, the 
brain grew so keen that it worked out 
through the epidersis exteriorsis and 
was lost for ever, leaving only the 
scratches. 

The Mamalian world will certainly 
be grateful to the learned doctor for 
his revolutionary revelation, because 
it represents the first sign of brains 
that has ever been observed in an ani- 
mal of the species. 



INTERPHYLA NOTES 



Professor G. Olds Fish has just re- 
cently returned to the home pool after 
a trip around the globe. 

Mr. B. Frog has just composed a new 
opera entitled "We'll All Croak When 
Spring Comes. ' ' 

A ' ' coming out party ' ' was given 
Miss Julia Crayfish at her home in 
Salt Creek last week. She looked very 
young and tender after her first molt. 



LIFE IN A CELL 



(Composed by "Red" Squirrel 
They say up in zoology, 

(And I hardly believe it yet, 
Though when Doc Gordon says it 

It may be a safe bet;) 
That among the many phyla 

In this terrestial zoo, 
There are some little fellers 

Who are not quite like you. 

De Leon should have known them 

When they so old do grow 
By plans of their own pattern 

Back to youth they go 
At first, I envied them very much 

Lucky protozoa! 
Living on, age after age, 

Youth's Springtime never o'er 
But then, I thought it out again, 

And smiled — It must be hell 
To have to live forever 

In a scrimy little cell! 



ADVERTISEMENTS 

Moving Pictures 
DRIYEUM BUG HOUSE 

Miss Lily Leech 

in 

"LOVE THAT CLINGS" 

A picture that sticks" 

Willie Bedbug 

in 

"TWIN BEDS" 

"A Comedy that Tickles" 



INSECTA OVERCOME 

MAMMALIA 



In Thrilling Field Meet Jim Flea's 
Warriors Conquer the Furry- 
Clan. Aerial Features 



The Ent. A. C. decisively defeated 
the Zoo A. C. 77 to 25, on Euplexoptera 
Field yesterday afternoon before a 
large crowd. 

Competition between the rivals was 
exceptionally keen. The royal rooters 
took up the fray and riots were so se- 
rious that reserves had to be called out. 
Gyp Dog of 18 Kennel Street has to- 
day filed a complaint and instituted a 
suit against Twig Flea for assault and 
battery. 

In addition to the participants so 
ably photographed by our representa- 
tive, Dick Fire-Fly, the following dis- 
tinguished themselves: 

High jump — K. Angaroo defeated G. 
Hopper. 

Broad jump — Abe Locust defeated A. 
Field Mouse. 

Javelin throw — Pete Porcupine de- 
feated B. Bee. 

"Speed" Snail was kept from enter- 
ing the meet by shin sores. 

After hibernations and moltings are 
over, another meet will be held, and 
the entire Mamallian family are sworn 
to have revenge. 



FOR SALE— 23 Gallons of fresh honey 
dew. Inquire of The Aphid Brothers. 



LOST— From my home in 216 Potato 
Vine Eow, my beautiful 4,867,923,206th 
child. May be recognized by blue scar, 
made by a drop of Dr. Fernald's Kills- 
By-Touch insecticide. — Annie Aphid. 



WAXTED — A little wife. Most any 
[queen will do. See Bill Ant. 



14 



THE SQUIB- 




Budding chemist, Joe Gonzales, 
Doing sulphur on a 'rush'; 
Sees Miss Higgins in the office 
Joe proceeds to get a 'crush'. 

"Walking out at noon to dinner, 
Joseph slowly lags behind; 
Hoping gentle consolation 
In Miss Higgins' smile to find. 

But she scorns him, Oo, an iceberg ! 
Joseph's collar starts to wilt; 
For she's torn the whole foundation 
From the castle he has built. 

To the rescue comes chief chemist 
Francis Carmody. He sees 
Joe's condition, — introduces 
Her to him with wobbly knees. 

Joseph's heart is thumping gladly 
Now he has the fair one won; 
"When she steps into the office 
In comes Joe upon the run. 

Smiles at her, and faintly blushes 
Stammers "Ain't the weather warm, : 
While the look within her optics 
Seems to prophesy a storm. 

Budding chemist, Joe Gonzales, 
Walks around as in a dream 
He's a bear among the ladies 
Someone hit him on the bean. 



BASEBAL L HOPES 

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH 
Weary corporal — Squad's half right, sir. 

S 

His mother returned home and perceived the 
youngster throwing eggs against the wall. He 
had already thrown a dozen. 

"What are you doing, Richard?" 
"Pa said there was money in eggs but I haven't 
found any yet. ' ' 



S 



Too many hold the view that if they learn how 
they will have it to do. — Kansas City Star. 

S 

"What are you sowing, Mr. Meadows'?" 
"Wheat, ma'm." 

"Dear me! And wheat so scarce! Don't you 
think it would be more economical to sow bran?" 

—Life. 



S 



Lodging House Porter — If he kicked you, why 
didn't you kick him back? 

Six-penny Bed — Wot, then it would 'ave been 
his turn again. — Blighty. 



16 



THE SQUIB- 




ONE WAY TO KEEP AHEAD 



Mrs. Cabbage — There must have been some aw- 
ful accident in that field last night. 

Mrs. Carrots — I don't understand, my dear. 

Mrs. Cabbage — I don't very well either, but 
this morning the corn looked awfully shocked. 

S 

"I see Carpentier brought twenty- five trunks 
over with him." 

"He must intend to use a different pair each 
round. ' ' — Life. 

S 

"Europe may be suing the United States for 
non-support. ' ' — Editorial Comment. 

Not if prohibition keeps up. 

S 

AT A FRATERNITY DANCE 

Young lady (pointing to a picture of Sir Gala- 
had) — Who is that in that picture? 

New pledge — Oh, that's one of the older fel- 
lows. I don't know his name. — Awgwan. 



S 



Bone — Two heads are better than one. 
Dry — Yes, for a barrel. 

S 

Prof — You may now tell us about the ancient 
knighthood. 

Student — They were generally made of flannel 
and were worn by old people and — 

Prof— That will do. 



THE SECRET 

Oh, Kelly was a sailor, 
He was a jolly tar. 
He used to pilot schooners 
Across the corner bar. 
He made a little money 
In the liquor-selling game, 
But never knew prosperity 
'Till prohibition came. 

He closed his corner bar-room 
When Congress told him to, 
Installed some sparkling mirrors 
And a soda-fountain new. 
His previous experience 
Had taught him how to make, 
For inquisitive policeman, 
A stimulating shake. 

His aristocratic patrons 

Have come from near and far. 

He looks like J. P. Morgan 

In his rakish motor car, 

How did he make the money? 

You doubtless wonder too. 

Just let him mix a soda 

When you're feeling dry and blue. 

Now I lay me down to sleep 
In my little bed, 
If I should die before I wake 
How will I know I'm dead? 



S 



Rag — Always look a gift horse in the face. 

Picker — Why? 

Rag — Because he has a sad tale behind. 



17 



HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE 

Once in a while we meet a pessimist, a real pes- 
simist who is remarkably susceptible to the slight- 
est off flavor, discoloration, deviation from the 
rule, and so forth. Such a man would remark on 
seeing an angel, "I have observed that the eagle 
can soar ten minutes without moving his wings, 
yet this one must flap his wings at least every 
nine and a half minutes. ' ' The only home for such 
is six feet under the sod and a heavy headstone. 

Yet compared to another nisance, the pessimist 
is as welcome as the flowers in May. This other 
obnoxious insect is he who finds selfishness and 
graft in every generous, altruistic movement, he 
who construes a man's innocent remark to some 
entirely false evil meaning, he who searches a 
humorous paper for some joke in which his de- 
generate mind can find some rot not discovered 
by the average man, he who speaks of a woman 
with a sneer and a slander, he who seeks evil, 
hears evil ,and speaks evil. For such a man there 
is no punishment meted out by civilized nations 
that fits his crime. Suspicion is easy to instil in 
the average mind. Bad news travels faster than 
good. This loathsome species, instead of turning 
his powers to some good use, deliberately dips 
into the mire of life and seeks to spatter with it 
all that is clean. 

He who would seek evil will always find it. 
At the bottom of every clear mountain brook there 
are corners of muck. If any man wishes to go 
after it he can find it. Nothing is perfect. But 
why discard the clean sparkling water and claim 
the brook is but the muck? 



THE SQUIB- 



S 



THE COLLEGE GIRL 

She wants to get married just to prove that she 

can. 
She doesn't want to get married just to prove 

that she doesn't have to. 
If she doesn't they'll say she can't 
If she does they'll say her career is ruined. 



S 



HEARD ONCE 
: Mr. Creeper, have you any male for me?" 



HE MADE HIS MARK 

"Where is John Sherman, who studied chem- 
istry with you last year, Professor?" 

"Why — yes — John. He was a very good stu- 
dent, but a bit careless. Do you see that spot up 
there on the ceiling?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, that's John." 



S 



NO DUPLICATION OF EFFORT 

"Doesn't Jim ever worry about his bills?" 
"No. He says there is no use in himself and 
the tailor worrying over the same bills." 



S 



"Ornamentation is the cheapest form of art," 
said the professor with the flower in his button 
hole." 



S 



AH-THERE ! 

: Where is Colon Street, father?" 
: Probably in the bowels of the city. 



S 



Rogue — Are you going to church tonight' 
Rass — No, I worship elsewhere. 
R 1— Where? 
R 2 — Hamp. 



S 



Oswald — I don't get the point of that joke. 
Maybe I'm thick. 

She, shocked— Maybe ? 



S 



Hushed voice — Did you know that there was 
an underground passage from Draper to Flint 
Lab? 

Worldly Ike — Steam pipe? 



Helpful Glasses 



Students appreciate the help of our accurately-fitted, properly-designed glasses. 

Good eyesight is essential to good work, and you cannot afford to neglect your eyes. Come 
to us for an examination — we understand eyes. 

THE PARK COMPANY, Inc. 

An Optical Shop of Distinctive Beauty and 

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257 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 




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HARD WORDS 

Two simple words of English 
Speech, 
I stammer — mumble, till I'm 
quite 
Exasperated — stumble over each; 
I scarcely can pronounce — 
"Good night!" 

Some men, perhaps, say it with 

ease, 
But when arms, rounded, soft, 

and white, 
Draw you quite close — say what 

you please, 

It's mighty hard to say — 
"Good night!" 

For when the pretty lips have 
clung 
And you have held her rather 
tight — 
There's something gripping at the 
t|ongue, 
Which makes it hard to say 
"Good night!" 

| I scarcely can pronouncce— ' ' Good night ! ' ' 

| They're simple words — a chap can see f 

j The strain in saying should be light ; \ 

j But queer as it may seem to be j 

) The hardest that I know—' ' Good night ! " j 

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He — "There stands the parson's house." 

I She— "Yes, yes, go on." 

He (with trembling hand pointed) — "And j 
there is where it used to stand. ' ' — Voo Boo I 



Widower — "And do you think that silk stock- 
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young woman?" 

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The FitzGerald Book & Art Co., Inc. 

196 High Street 
KOLYOKE, MASSACHUSETTS. 



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-Judge 



i 



THE 



A FEW OF 'EM 



A spiritualist is like a safe-breaker in prison. 
He knows the combination to Heaven but can't 
get there himself. — Lampoon 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Son — Well, father, how are you?" 
Father — As fine as silk, son. 
Son — Then you'll be soft to touch. 

—The Purple Cow 



There's the girl who is sweet, 

And the girl who's discreet, 
And the girl who is studious-wise; 

There's the girl who's staid 
And the girl who's afraid 

And the girl with the won 't-you-please eyes. 
There's the girl who can paint, 

And the girl who will faint, 
Should the opportune moment arise ; 

There's the girl who's a breeze, 
But beside all of these 

There's the girl who — well, doggonit, you know 
but you can't describe 'er. — Voo Doo 



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of interest. 

European Plan $1.50 per Day j 

and Upwards 

Table and service unsurpassed. 
Booklet and map sent upon application 

j TILLY HAYNES, JAMES C. HICKEY, 

| Proprietor Manager 



Hardware 



j THE MUTUAL PLUMBING & HEATING CO. 
I 



Amherst 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 






H)-^».n-<M»-t>-^»-a-^M-()-^»-0-^«»'>- Ul^ n-«.o-— ■<)•«»»•<) -^»-O-»»-0-«^»<»^-» 



! c o 

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I 



College Jewelry- 
Note Books 
Ice Cream 



Candy 
Soda 



O 



R 



E 



i 

j Pipe 

| Inlaying 

j Fountain Pens 

j Seal Stationary 

j Used and New Typewriters 

ACADEMY OF MUSIC 
5 Northampton j 

i i 

THE HOME OF THE j 

I BEST PHOTOPLAYS 

i ! 

\ Showing the Best Stars in the Film 

I World 

! 

Visit the Academy when in Northampton 
USUAL POPULAR PRICES 



JOHN F. PLANTE 
OPTOMETRIST AND OPTICIAN 

54 SUFFOLK ST. HOLYOKE 



♦ 



ALAS ! ALACK ! 

It used to be "how much have you?" 

That made the girlies fall; 
But now most any sap will do — 

If he has booze — that's all! 

— Yale Record 



I 



§ 



—THEN THE FUR FLEW 



Porter — This train goes to Syracuse and points 
West. 

c 

I Old Lady — Well, I want a train that gets to 
I Buffalo, and I don't care which way it points, 

I — Tiger 

j 

♦ ♦ ♦ 



) " You are concealing something from me!" 

\ Dolly — That artist told me that my face was \ hissed the villain. 
| classic. What is a classic? "Certainly, I am," replied the leading lady. "I 

Maybelle— Oh, anything old.— Sun Dial. ain't no Salome!" j 

f — Jack 'Lantern 

€> ♦ <§» ♦ ♦ ♦ | 

f Stage Manager — All ready, run up the curtain. Kindly Man to Prisoner — You seem to be in a 

to* ttjc. u *. ^ 4-u-tt i tight place, my poor man. 

Stage Hand — Say, what do you think I am, a j 

squirrel? -Froth. Convict-Well, it ain't exactly roomy for a guy j 

5 S with loose habits like mine. — Gargoyle 

! ! j 



COMPLIMENTS OF 



THE DAVENPORT 



♦ 



♦ 



If You are interested in a Good 

WATCH or DIAMOND 

See 

JAMES BERRY 

Jeweler 

161 Main Street Noithampton, Mass. 
Next to Western Union 



>>.^,i«»»-«»-"-« 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



Massachusetts Agricultural College 



The Massachusetts Agricultural College received its first enter- 
ing class in 1867. It has always maintained a reputation as an in- 
fluential factor in agricultural activities, and among the graduates 
are found some of the foremost leaders and administrators of agri- 
cultural affairs, not only in this country but indeed in the world. 

It ably serves the state and nation thru research, resident in- 
struction and extension service. 

The main campus comprises 600 acres beautifully situated in 
the Connecticut Valley of Massachusetts in the town of Amherst. 
There are 33 campus buildings and a resident teaching staff of 80. 
The regular undergraduate student body approximates 500. The 
student life is pleasing in its democratic atmosphere. The whole 
environment developing to the best degree the student's ability for 
leadership. A four year course leads to the Bachelor of Science 
degree. Advanced degrees are awarded for graduate study. 

The following specializations are combined with prescribed 
courses to insure a thorough college education: 
Agriculture Vegetable Gardening 

Agronomy Economic Botany 

Animal Husbandry Agricultural Chemistry 

Dairying Economic Entomology 

Poultry Husbandry Microbiology 

Floriculture Rural Journalism 

Forestry Agricultural Economics 

Landscape Gardening Agricultural Education 

Pomology Rural Sociology 

Tuition is free to residents of Massachusetts 




^-^^OOo 



A 



THE ACCIE 



SQUIB 



+ "*" 




V\fvi<* 



u 



HOPPINC orrwuMBER 



College Store 



m 



.C a 



n 



ay 



.s° 



d a i 



C«" 



lie 



a 

! 
I 

Richardson, '23 
Lockhart, '22 
Haslam, '2 1 

Palmer, '2 1 



ACADEMY OF MUSIC 
Northampton 

THE HOME OF THE 
BEST PHOTOPLAYS 

Showing the Best Stars in the Film 
World 

Visit the Academy when in Northampton 
USUAL POPULAR PRICES 



"What do you think of that basketball play- j ROUGH AND READY 

er ?" The Lover — "Her lips are like an uncut ruby." 

"I think he's a little forward." j The Knocker— " What do you mean— rough or 

♦ ♦ ♦ i r ed?" 

Bill — "Just happened to run into an old friend g un Dhil 

down town." ♦ ♦ ♦ 

Phil — "Was he glad to see you?" GOOD ADVICE 

Bill— "You bet not. I smashed his whole right j Old— "I'm writing to my best girl— what is a 

fender." I clever P. S. to add?" 

—Widow | Older— "Please burn this at once." 

♦ ♦ ♦ j —Panther 
He — "There'll be a new moon tonight, dear. " ♦ ♦ ♦ 

She— ''I'm glad. I was getting tired of the Lecturer— " What, gentlemen, is the greatest 

old one." problem today before the undergraduate body, 

— Siren j individually and as a whole?" 

<>_ „_„—.„«*— .„<_ ! Voice in the dark — ' ' Where to get the liquor. ' ' 

— Record 
j ♦ ♦ ♦ 

Attorney — "You willingly took the marriage 
vow and three weeks later you seek a divorce. ' ' 

Young Husband — "Ah, sir. but I had my fing- 
ers crossed." 

—Froth 
I ♦ ♦ ♦ 

[ THE SNAKE ! 

j There is a young chappie named Caesar, 
Who loves any girl when he caesar 



-I 






If You are interested in a Good 

WATCH or DIAMOND 

See 

JAMES BERRY 

Jeweler 



161 Main Street Northampton* Mass. 
Next to "Western Union 



He's always alert; 
When he spots a new skirt, 
His entire intent is to caesar! 



I 

o 

( 



— Princeton Tiger 

i 
i 



ikooafcs 



IDictor IRecorfcs 

o 

I 



^Deuel's S)ruQ $tore 



fountain pens 



pipes ! 



JOHN F. PLANTE 

OPTOMETRIST AND OPTICIAN 

54 SUFFOLK ST. HOLYOKE 

♦ ♦ ♦ 



Vi>.f^i<-a»:i «►'!< 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



Ifoopping ©fi 



,r FIS strange — no matter if our work 
Is hard and we rebel, 
Protest, trying ever to shirk, 
We're sorry when its tiring spell 
Is lifted — and gone ! 

Then truer — how sweet the carefree years 

Of comradeship and play — 
A little work, few doubts, no fears; 
But oh, the heartache, oh the gray, 
When they are gone ! 

Yet still — the Youth in Pleasure's swirl, 

In soft and rosy light, 
Guides through the flowers a radiant girl 

Mid fairy music, 'till the night 
Is spent and gone. 

But then, he little feels or knows 
How dear these hours will seem, 

Their toil, their joy — a withered rose, 
For oh, we're sorry when we dream 
Of da,ys far gone ! 



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QUID AGIS AGE, AGGIE. 



Managing Editor 
C. R. Vinten, 22.. 



Business Manager, 
D. C. Douglass, '21. 



Editor-in-Chief 
M. F. Webster, 21. 

Literary Editor, 
B. F. Jackson, '22. 

Exchange Editor, 
G. E. White, '22. 

Business Staff 

Advertising Manager, 
M. M. Smith, '22. 



Art Editor, 

F. S. Fletcher, '21. 



Circulation Manager, 
R. P. Lawrence, '22. 



The Aggie Squib is published six times during the college year, by students of the Massachusetts Agricultural 
College, on the first day of November, December, February, March, May and June. All business communications 
should be addressed to the Business Manager; all literary communications and drawings to the Managing Editor. 
Subscribers who do not receive copies will confer a favor by reporting the same to the Circulation Manager. Sub- 
scription price $1.25 in Amherst, $1.35 elsewhere. Single copies 2o cents. Entered at the Amherst Post-office as 
second-class matter. 



Vol. IV 



JUNE 1920 



No. 6 



HOPPING OFF 

STRANGE as it may seem, this issue has 
nothing to do "with any aerial stunts. Dean 
Burns says, "great events happen in the 
world today," and lie is right. Events 
suggested Squibby's "high flown" title. We 
might have called it the "Here's How" number 
or "Happy Days" number, or even the "Popping 
Out" number, but mercifully refrained from so 
doing. Why bring up unpleasant subjects, even 
in a humorous paper. 

One of the principal events in the way of hop- 
ping off will take place the evening of June 



twenty-first when a number of our undergrad- 
uate, and recently graduated student body will 
gather to bask in the atmosphere of jazz and 
electricity. From previous observation we should 
imagine that the hum of the motor, the sound of 
light feminine voices, and the "tinkling cymbal 
and sounding brass" will be abroad in the land. 
We hope too, that those who for weeks have 
guarded jealously the sizeable blocks of blank 
space on their programs will receive the just 
reward of their labors. Lights, shadows, music, 
and — the girl. Yes sir, that will be the end of a 
perfect day. Squibby takes this opportunity to 
Avelcome the hop guests, and extends to them sin- 
cerest wishes for a pleasant visit. 



THE SQUIB- 



Of course, the Seniors. We were coming to 
them. Squibby, being built as he is, had to put 
frivolity first. Their hop off is bound to be a 
more serious one. All they have been hearing for 
four years about the "cold, cold world" is now 
about to become a reality, but, it is safe to say, 
they will start out with high hopes and confidence 
in their ability to warm it up a little. Be that 
as it may, when the Class of Nineteen Twenty 
take their sheepskins in one hand and their canes 
in the other, and hop off, they can depend on it 
that Squibby is watching their going with a little 
sadness, and a big smile. Good Luck and a safe 
voyage to the Class of Nineteen Twenty. 



To continue in the same vein, Squibby, along 
with a good many summer hotels and other 
amusement parks is hanging out the old sign, 
"Under New Management". In short, the new 
board takes charge with this issue. There's me- 
thod in our madness in taking over the paper just 
at this time, for we intended to t^ke a good three 
months leave of absence to recuperate and let 
things cool down a bit before coming back again 
to the scene of crime — provided we can get a 
head start toward the B. & M. If we get away 
this time, Ave will be back again in the fall with 
plenty of pep, ready to try once more. We're 
off! ' 



The Aggie Squib wishes to express its appreciation to the old Board members for their co- 
operation in getting out this number of the paper. We are especially indebted to the following 
men for their contributions and assistance : 



John A. Crawford, '20. 

(Formerly Editor-in-Chief.) 
C. A. Doucette, '20. 
C. E. Write, '2p. 



H. E. Wentsch, 'p2. 
T. T. Abele, '23. 
C. A. Towne, '23. 
E. W. Chapin '22. 



TRAGIC ! 



* 4 A FATHER oyster and his son were swimming in the stew, 






The father to the son did say "This is the tenth that we've been thru" 
Just then a man sat down to eat, so the father with a frown, 
Behind an oyster cracker ducked — 
— Just as the son (sun) went down. 



S 



S 



STEP LIVELY PLEASE! 

T>ICK: "She's one of those girls who turns the 
other cheek when you kiss the one." 

Chick: "Which one do you begin with?" 

Dick: "Well, between the two one hesitates 
a long time." — Ex. 



CARELESS OF HIM 
^f ALTER: "Mr. Smith has left his umbrella 
again. I do believe he would leave his head 
if it were loose." 

Robert: "I dare say you're right. I heard 
him say only yesterday he was going to Switzer- 
land for his lungs. ' ' 



THE SQUIB- 




HOW TO CRAM FOR FORESTRY FINALS 



S 



SENIOR HOP-OFF 

A T LAST the serious seniors have reached the 
end of four short years. Squibby under- 
stands that advice is always accepted altho not 
always practiced. Absorb this: 

Hold on to your cane and father because sup- 
port is often needed. Keep in touch with all 
the Profs, you dislike. Who knows you might be 
a broker on Wall Street and have some worthless 
stock to sell. Stand up for Aggie — don't let any 
one say," oh, you are a graduate of Amherst," — 
jump on it. Vote against Demon Rum, and don't 
salute the town officials by mistake. A farmer 
needs a wife so grab a good one while they are 
cheap. — Amen. 



S 



HASH HOUSE 

Once I knew a man at Aggie who was fierce, very 

fierce, 
And his hair was long and shaggy so they say ; 
And he growled all the day time, 
And he cursed all the night time, 
At the utterly inedible, simply incredible 
Chow that they served at Draper Hall. 

! 

Once I saw him at the table looking fierce, very 

fierce, 
And he called the waiter to him, "Here, Ah 

phonse." 
And I looked at him in earnest 
And I listened all intently, 
But I simply heard him whisper, with a little of a 

lisp, "Er, — 
Bring a second of the main, sir, if you please." 



The waiter was rushed. 

"What is it, tea or coffee?" he demanded. 

The senior looked up blandly from his bowl of 
soup. 

"Don't tell me," he whispered, "bring it in 
and let me guess. ' ' 



A BOY in college found that his monthly allow- 
ance had been consumed by bills of the pre- 
vious month. Wishing to make a gentle ' ' touch ' ' 
he wrote home as folloAvs : 

Roses are red, 
Violets are blue, 
Please send fifty, 
I love you. 



A few days later he 
reply : 

Roses are red. 
Some are pink, 
Send you fifty? 
1 don't think. 



Jack. 

received the following 



Father. 



A Soph-Senior hopper did not stick to pop, . . . . er 

He thought to get real stuff, instead. 

What he thought to be ethyl turned ou to ba 

methyl 
And left our fine hopper in bed. 

S 

A hustling promoter named Coe 
Was head of a big cocoa Co. 
A native named Ko-ko 
Said, "Pay what you owe Coe, 
Or give me the Coe Coacoa Co. 

He had other projects, had Coe — 
Coke ovens were one line, and so 
The two coalesced, , 
Imagine the rest; 
"Coe-Koko Coke and Cocoa Co!" 



—Life. 



S 



LANDED YET? 

He — Where is that young man you used to sit 
in the hammock with last summer? 

She— We fell out. 



S 



Agronomy student leaning on his soil auger — 

Oh, well, I've always heard that this course was a 
d — d bore ! 



-THE SQUIB- 



MUSINGS OF A SENIOR 
(With Appologies to Wordsworth) 

The profs were too much with me ; late and soon, 

Foolishly spending, I lay waste my time ; 

Little I saw in classes that was mine ; 

I used up all my cuts, a sordid boon ! 

The Chem. Lab., (ninety-nine years old this June) 

The ' ' Trio ' ' which kept me up till morning hours ; 

I fooled 'em— NOT! Great God! I'd like to see 

The legislature get a wiggle on ! 

So might I, standing on Mt. Pleasant, see 

Some buildings that would make me less forlorn, 

See a new Chem. Lab. going up, By Gee ! 

And see some Freshmen cleaning out the pond ! 



S 



Frosh — ' ' I was born in May. ' ' 
Soph — "When it rains it pours." 



S 



HIS ARMY SHOES WERE WORN OUT 

Slim: I hear you went to the Co-eds' Dance. 
Jim: Not me. 1 can't dance. 
Slim: That's no excuse. 



BUGHOUSE ! ! OFFICER ! ! 

AN THE general farm the new hired man was 
seen hunting all through the barns to find the 
soil analysis laboratory. 

The new dairy expert was heard asking for 
some scales and a block and tackle to weigh his 
animals with. 

Our scientific poultryman culled the flock yes- 
terday and killed all the roosters because they 
showed no signs of laying. 

The new man on the market gardens weeded 
the young lettuce the other day and now we have 
a fine stand of dandelion well thinned and weed- 
ed. 







s 



Weary Willie : Do you buy old rags and 
bones? 

Rag-man : Sure, jump on the scales. 



TOO TRUE! 

Mother: Bobbie, come here I've something to 
show you. 

Bobbie : Aw, I don 't care, I know what it is. 
Brother's home from college again. 

Mother: Why, Bobbie, how did you guess? 

Bobbie : My bank don 't rattle any more. 



S 



A HOPPER hopped into a hopper, 
And in the hopper he died. 
Said another wee hopper, inspecting the hopper 
I see there my poppa inside." 



S 



Junior: Well, Joe, don't go into the bakery 

business. It doesn't pay. 

Senior : Why not ? 

Junior: Bakers are always kneeding dough. 



S 



1 1 



A SAD "TAIL" 

1st Nut: My dog committed suicide. 

2nd Ditto : How 's that ? 

1st Nut: He took hold of his tail and said, 
"that's the end of me." 



THE SQUIB- 



NAME PLEASE? 

Mrs. Brown : I hear your boy, John, has gone 
to college. 

Mrs. Jones : Yes. We sent him to one of those 
fashionable colleges where they cultivate the 
mind without using it. 



S 



THE AGE IN WHICH WE LIVE 

TDROF : Mr. Blank, how does organic matter af- 
fect soil structure? 

Mr. B. : It increases the pore space, sir. 

Prof: Why, in your last quiz you said that it 
made the soil impervious. 

Mr. B. : Well, science has made enormous 
strides lately. 



S 



Grind — I'm going to get out of the final in En- 
glish. 

Jolly Student — I bet I will, too. 

Grind — You will not ! You were away below 
85. 

Jolly Student — That's just the point. 



S 



T I YES there a man with soul so dead, 
Who never to himself hath said, 

As he racked his brain and scratched his head 
"I'd l|ke to meet the man 
Who invented the final exam." 



S 



WE HEREBY notify all New England farmers 
that the Massachusetts Agricultural College 
is about to unload about one-hundred efficient, 
energetic, and capable agricultural experts on the 
market on or about June 22, 1920. These experts 
come highly recommended by the college. They 
all hold certified degrees which give them the 
legal right to practice as Batchelors of Science. 
If you have had difficulty in making your farm 
pay, and wish to retire from active life, you will 
do well to secure the services of one of these 
scientific farm managers at once. Act now ! ! 
The supply is limited. 



I WAS SAVING THEM, THO 

gOUGHT a pack of cigarettes, 

Had a surplus dime, 
Passed 'em round among my friends, 
Do it every time. 



Ten were in there when it came, 
Bill took one and Pete the same, 

Donald lit his with dispatch, 
Pinky even asked a match. 

3 

Harold curled up rings of blue, 

Clarence said "Come don't be tight. 

Percy thot he'd use one too, 
Whistle burned it with delight. 

Chorus 

Dwindle, dwindle little pack 
Will I ever get you back,??? 

With a smokestick left 'inside, 

For my tongue, so hot and dried??? 



Eight were gone and two remained, 
Jacky reached and puffed in joy. 

To take the last one none disdained, 
Sam received with "At a boy." 



So the whole blame ten went out, 
On the steps we chanced to group on, 

But a fellow has to shout 

Then, besides, he has the coupon. 



S 



Prof — Just imagine with what feelings Colum- 
bus cabled home to Spain that he had discovered 
America. 



S 



"Did yez iver shtop to think that half of the 
world don't know how the other half gets along? 

"You're right," says Mike, "and neither does 
the other half. ' ' 





THE SURRENDER 



THE SQUIB- 




ACTION WANTED 



S 



QHE : Isn 't it glorious to wake up early in the 
morning and hear the leaves whispering out- 
side your window. 

He: It's alright to hear the leaves whisper 
but I can 't stand hearing the grass mown ! 



S 



PAGE MESSRS, BARNUM AND BAILEY 
True Parisienne French translation : 
"He felt death approaching, drew his hand 
over his fevered brow, and expanded his temples. 



S 



WHAT HE DREW 

T^HE artist and his girlie 

In the quiet studio sat. 

He had met her in a burlie 

During intermission chat. 

Her slightest wish to him was law, 

It made her only dearer, 
He asked of her "What shall I draw?' 1 

She said "A little nearer." 



S 



ROOM— MATES 
I slept like a log last night. 
Yes, with a saw running through it. 



THE FINISHED PRODUCT 



or 



THE CHARMS OF MUSIC 

(One act and one scene of Militarism). 

Place : The office of Colonel X. 

Time : Springtime. 

Characters: Colonel X., U. S. A. 

Sargent XX., U. S. A. (retired). 

Enter the Colonel tearing his hair with rage. 
He slams the door behind him, throws himself 
into his chair, upsetting the spitoon at his right. 

Alas ! Alas ! All has been in vain. All my ef- 
forts to obtain a cavalry unit have been futile. 
My suggestion for the installation of my own, 
true, beloved part of tbe army, the only thing 
about which I know anything at all and am qua- 
lified to give instruction in has been rejected by 
the legislature. 

(He lapses into silence, overcome by emotion. 
His train of thought is interrupted by some one 
bursting into the room. It is Sargent XX, in a 
state of great excitement.) 

Sargent XX: Colonel! Colonel! Don't you 
hear them? DON'T YOU HEAR THEM? 

(The Colonel and the Sargent listen intently. 
From the bowels of the Drill Hall, comes a dis- 
mal, agonized squeal accompanied by thumps and 
crashes which shake the building from its very 
foundation.) 

The Colonel's face brightens into a smile of tri- 
umph. Ah ! Eureka ! We may lose the band ! 
We may lose the cavalry! We may lose — But 
thank God, we have a fife and drum corps. 



8 



THE SQUIB- 



I 



Disertations Upon Familiar Subjects 
by Prof. Bigfeeto 

No. 1. 
WOMAN SUFFRAGE 

BELIEVE absolutely in Woman Suffrage and 

for it will I labor unceasingly day and night. 
Our opponents say that woman's place is in the 
home. They give the argument as granted. If 
they had looked into the matter as I have done, 
they would believe no such thing. 

Ever since the dawn of history in almost all 
nations women have been in the home, and have 
made a mess of it. Let them try politics, they will 
surely do no worse there than in the home. 

Look at the ragamuffins on the street, brought 
up without respect for man, or fear of God ; they 
are woman's work. For a change go to church 
some Sunday and see what an infinitesimal part 
of our populace woman has made God-fearing. 

"But surely," you think, "woman excells in 
the domestic art of cooking." Go to the best 
hotels of New York and see who supervises the 
cooking, a male chef. 

If you want your store windows washed you 
go to a masculine window washing company. 

If there is any domestic art in which women 
excel I have failed to hear of it. Men would im- 
prove on women in the home. 

Again since the dawn of history men have mo- 
nopolized politics, and graft and corruption have 
been the rule. 

Women, when they have left the home, general- 
ly surpass men. Examples are Queen Elizabeth, 
Cleopatra and Mrs. Pankhurst. 

Summary : Women are failures in the home 
and successes in politics, men vice-versa. There- 
fore let the women govern the country while the 
men take care of baby. 

S 

OUR LIST OF COURSES FOR NEXT TERM 



Tennis 

Canoeing 

Dancing 

Theaters 

Lunch 

Sleep 



63 
64 

65 
66 

67 

68 



A one-credit seminar in Work 69. 

S 

WHAT SAY, MOUNTAINEERS? 

Ned : I hear you have a new flame over at 
"The Mountain." 

Ed : Do you mean a new icicle ? 



WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN in his recent 
post bellum prohibition lectures told of the 
farmer in Kansis who was building a wall around 
his farm. 

"Don't you know," said a neighbor, "that the 
first big wind will blow over your fence?" 

"I was afiggerin' on that, but jest you look at 
this here wall, three feet high and four feet wide. 
If the wind blows it over it will be a foot higher 
than it was before. ' ' 

S 

HUMOR 

There's humor on the earth***** they say, 
There's humor on the sea. 
There's humor e'en in Hell itself, 
But that's too deep for me. 

S 

CLOSE IT QUIETLY 

Senior : Have you an opening for an energetic 
college graduate? 

Manager : Yes, it 's right behind you. 

S 

Father: Did you learn a great deal at college 
this year? 

Frosh: Yes sir, I can say, "Thank You", and 
"If You Please" in French. 

Father : Good. I never could teach you to say 
that in English. 



S 



1st Frosh : Our class won. 

2ud Frosh : Did they ? Great ! In What ? 

1st Frosh : In the debate. 

2ud Frosh : Oh Piffle. 



S 



Visitor: "Why is the pond so dirty?" 

Cruel Soph: "0, they threw a bunch of 
Freshmen in there." 



S 



Poultry Student : ' ' These Rhode Island Reds 
lay big broAvn eggs, these small White Leghorns 
lay small white eggs. ' ' 

Visitor : "And I suppose these hens, ' ' pointing 
to the Barred Rocks, "lay the dirty eggs." 



9 



VHY I5THLRU 1 

A VISIT TOTHQCH 
51DFrL. PUKE.DLBE, 1 , 

IN5ANL SOILLXfj ] 




THE. AJ VANCE]) t/LASS IS T "RETT Y Evf NLY JP'V'DEJ I«Tn£iT! 
AxreNT-ON TO THtJ>tM»- J > T T* T "'N lNi>n?T S.PTIwaiANj) 
THETIACE. -2.eTvOi.E.N FfcY-OC A N * T» O H-0 t> ? 



\LFROBLLM? 

TAU 0RGANI5CHEN 
'MONTE C5 NEW H OH E FOR 
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50ME O F T H E ma,iw CHEE5ES IWTHE 'BUSIWEIS AT? P 
SHOWN 7J E U O W. T 1-1 £ y «J ro a CrT? G AT" J> Efll. (=" f'RE'iTi Cr fc 
INTHEiH J)AY OPO ACCOUNT OF T * £ 'f? UNfry i^TiC A"Bi LlT¥ j 
A <; E«E«Tl-iFlE!l lU TH £ Foot NOTES i N ' i- y o W FiT?.N o -A "3 UC It IAN 
T m t y co"v_T>" i 'i-0>- L > i"*"' uAMtiO*ett, i»cn/?i«iCr CHIME S£. "Pol. is h, 
APs)5 PT7 E NL H. - C AUAlJ t A >J. 




«-6"«p or T H E CHA-TEA 0, A«I> 
E-XTONENT OF* A O-KOMAMIAC AL. 
"R E S E AT? C H 



VHE ONLY Time HY»T?OSCo7"C 

v*JASeve"R CouuECTEp YOUC-AMDO 
ICr WITH ACrOo2> 1 M A Cri A) ATio N. 



Y C, A »J EA5il_Y"T > T? 0N r «P-'Ce'THe>^ 
NAME* "BY Fo i_ i-O lO i n O T H E S E. 

inSTT! OCT I o W S "SAuAfCE A 

C ouc M -p-Rof O N Y» UH U £ FT HE AT? 

TOOTH -T* yT K *A A"R TJ I- £ 0*H A SMfut. 

7£MuE UW5E-5 rou"" T'oi*«rUe j TicVfc£ 

Yo UH NO'S ?■ u)iTH AfeATrtETt ArvT; SAY 

■«»t i- e' 



THE SQUIB- 



10-Aker Farm, 
Shutesham, Mass. 
Sears and Roebuck Co., 
Chicago, 111. 

Dere Mr. Sears : 

i didn't no whether yew or yewr pardner opened the male, but i spos so long ez yewr to- 
gether it don't make no difference. Say, i wuz awrful serprised to get yewr lettre. i thought 
yewd f ergot me a long time sence. Gosh, but yew've got a good memry. Must a bin nigh onto 
tew years sence Lizzy bought thet saaspan offn yew. Say, Mr. Sears, that was an allfired fine 
pan. Perhaps yew don't remember it, it hed a long handel and shone like a brass doller, sos to 
speke with a hole in it to hang it over the sink. By crimus, my wife's cooked more injin puddin 
in that saaspan than yew cud shake a hay fork at. Ef yew got another jes like it, yew right and let 
me no and mebbe i'll by it. Say, Mr. Sears, dus yewr wife ever make injin puddin? Ef yew want, 
i'll have Lizzy take down the receet and send it to yer. After workin in the store all day it'll 
taste durned good, i'll tell yer. I see by the book that yer sent me that yew hev some underware 
to sell. Haow much do yer ask for them apeace thets marked tew dollers and 1-2 in the book, i'd 
drather hev the red flannel kind that don't ich by legs, i don't no of nuthin else. My folks are 
all well, cept my oldest gal, Sally, whose got a durned bad corn on her write fut. dew yew keep 
corn plasterers? i hope yewers are the same. Much obliged for writin. 

Good luck to yer. 

Yours truley, 

LEM HASKINS. 



P. S. Yew fellers don't need a good off is boy, dew yer? My Hen, who raised the best porker 
in the cownty last yeer, has jest finished schule and needs a job. Ef yer dew, jest say the word 
and send his fair. 

LEM. 



S 



BETTER THAN BUTTER 

She: I'm going to call you Oleo. 

He : Why call me that ? 

She : Oh you 're just a substitute. 

12 



s 



SHE FELT TOO STRONG 
Fred : Have a Life Saver. 

Freda : How did you know I had onions for 
supper ? 



THE SQUIB- 



THE A B C's OF THE SENIOR CLASS 

(10 Years Hence.) 

Editor's note: — Squibby has never resorted to personal humor except on very momentous 
occasions. This is one of them. Owing to the enormous size of the Senior Class we are obliged 
to select a representative for each letter of the alphabet. We do not want those who are left out 
to feel slighted. We can't lick the whole class. 



APSEY after graduating put into practice the 

idea of a Fussing Bureau. For the small price 

of a dollar George will fix up adate with a Smith 

or Mt. Holyoke girl to suit the taste of the student 

"DERMAN is considered the most successful shoe 
salesman in New York. He can fit a shoe 
without stooping. 

/^ARD has managed to get Sunday night suppers 
by drawing a mate unto himself to make one 
pair. Some day he will draw a full house. 

rjOWD, B. Sc, M. A., L. L. D., is a member of 
Phi Kappa Phi, and at present heads the 
poultry department at M. A. C. 

"C^ARLY is running the California Rock Crushery 
and advertises that breaking hard hearts is 
her specialty. 

T^RELLICK is going to join the Association of 
Teachers of the young and feeble-minded be- 
fore he gets far out of college. He claims that the 
union is the salvation of the dollar. 

/^LAVIN will take a hand at gazing at Niagara 
Falls in moving pictures to determine the 
amount of anaerobic bacteria which pass over a 
space one inch wide. 

TJOWE lived the life of a cat for nine years. Run 
over twice by his own Ford, drank two quarts 
of wood Alky and married an extra large Swedish 
girl by the name of Bridget O'Ryan. 

TZZY WISE was kicked out for telling lies. 

TAKEMAN, ball played de luxe, will bring into 
action that marvelous squeeze play so often 
used in the game with Cupid Then he will make 
a home run after being put out for trying to steal 
a second. 

JTORN-BORER has been leading a fast life try- 
ing to keep ahead of the Aggie mid-summer 
hunters. 

r ITTLEFIELD is the foremost photographer in 
Garlictown. Cy's photo of me was not suc- 
cessful owing to his cow's entering the back-door 
and overturning the tripod. 

ll/IACLEOD has been having wonderful success 
with his two shows "The Naughty Nighty" 
"Ten Nights in a Bedlam." His biggest is en- 
titled "Papa's Pants Will Soon Fit Willie." 



IV'OBODY is a successful 
tions to nobody. 



farmer. Congratula- 



/^ERTEL is considering the advisability of in- 
vesting money in wildcat stock which he con- 
siders a proper branch of the animal husbandry 
work to follow. If the stock don 't come up to his 
expectations he says he is going to make someone 
scratch. 

DECKHAM designs Rolling Landscapes to beau- 
tify the' wheeled dog carts of East Boston. 

iTyUADLAND made a fotune by cornering the 
^ market of whiskey corks and beer bottle caps 
which sold at six bucks per dozen. He retired to 
his summer home "Blue Moon by the Sea" in 
Kansas. 

"ROBERTS, "Mark Anthony," was seen deliver- 
ing the funeral sermon of the world's last 
great Bolshevist. Mark Anthony would certainly 
have caused a revolution had his keepers not in- 
tervened 

OUSIE SMITH published her noted book entitled 
° "M. A. C. the Co-ed's Paradise." In this work 
she praised the educational atmosphere of the 
campus and the wonderful young professors. 

T^AYLOR is heard from often. Every morning 
he stops at the house and leaves a bottle mark- 
ed, "Incomparable Milk" guaranteed by Rusty 
Taylor, B. Sc." 

TRQUHART is now known as Burbank the Sec- 
ond. Thru the mixing of the pollen of corn 
and beans he succeeded in obtaining a new vege- 
table called succatash. 

"l/"OL. ATILE has been slowly evaporating ever 
since he left college. 

YI/ILLIAMS is proprietor of a side show. His 
assistant will photograph you either beside 
the "fattest man in the world" or beside the cow 
with the world's highest record for skim milk. 

VMAS is the only holiday now observed at M. 
A A. C. 

V cannot boast of any great achievements.. 

^00 is engaged in the task of ridding Amherst 
and its vicinity of all stray cats. 



13 



THE SQUIB- 



He was so deeply in love with himself that his 
marriage was little short of bigamy. 

S 

A pair in a hammock 
Started to kiss. 
In less than a jiffy 
: sn\\ dj[i\ papue]; A&qjj 

S 




r-feV 



THE DREAM 



SENIOR CANES 

OH ! the man what gets the winks 

From he sweetest of the janes, 

A'int the one what owns the f liver 

For the girl across the River 
Falls the hardest for the ginks 
With their canes ! 

Oh ! the guy what 's won his letter 
With a bunch of work and pains 

A'int in it for a minute 

With the mutts what didn't win it, 

(But look a darn sight better 
With their canes!) 

Oh ! I like to see the fellers 
What's had the pluck or brains 

To keep old Aggie going 

By working, (and not blowing) 

For they sure are perfect hellers 
With their canes ! 




THE REALITY 



S 



Lady with a misconcepted idea of the Banquet 
Season: "And I understand that the Sophomores 
tender the Freshmen a banquet every year." 

Big Soph; "Yes, ma'am, we 'give it to 'em' 
to the best of our ability. ' ' 

S 

Prof: Gentlemen, I am dismissing you ten 
minutes early today. Please go out quietly so 
as not to wake the other classes. — Ex. 



But it angers us Hill Billies 

To see all the "Lovers' Lanes" 

Filled with lots of blooming blokes 
What the college calls its "jokes" 

(Most as swell as Amherst Willies) 
With their canes ! 



S 



HIS REAL ACCOMPLISHMENT 

A little boy was on his knees recently one night, 
and auntie staying at the house, was present. "It 
is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to 
hear you saying your prayers so well. You speak 
so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you 
say, and care about it." "Ah!" he answered, 
ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle !" 

— Tid-Bits. 



S 



"Can you give me a nice quiet room?" 

"Oh, yes, I have one over the bowling alley. 
You can hear a pin drop. ' ' 



14 




NEW WAY OF RUNNING TRACK MEETS. 
(Water Races) 



THE SQUIB- 



TNE SENIORS AND ThElR CANE5 




TKe I 



ontf and 

the short of it 



fvcr> the co-eds 
wear 



'em? 



Some are a 

bit scarred 



Tiiey may Come in h*r»dy — 
Some time 



TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW 

He had just stopped on the landing in mid-Atlantic for more gas. While the Socony me- 
chanic was. turning the pump handle the traveler thought there was something familiar about him 
which he could not quite recall. 

"By the shades of my pet monkey-wrench which my showier dropped on the seventy-third 
meridian you look like someone I used to know in my past life. Hey, showfer, bring hither little 
Ouija; she'll give me the desired information." 

Ouija declares: "He was in the Class of 1920 at M. A. C. His name was Charles — 

before he married that jane that used to bring him over to the informals at Smith. Now his name 
is Pensery. " 

"Well, well, so this is where Charlie finally came." Goes over to the pump and greets his 
long lost classmate with the usual effusion and gush customary on such occasions. 

"Well, George," says Charlie, "have you managed to get a woman to propose to you?" 

"Not on your life" returned the traveler, "ever since the politicians passed that twenty- 
second amendment to the constitution that the man should take on the woman's last name when 
she married him I've steered clear of any entangling alliances. And when they declared an excise 
tax on unmarried men of 85 per cent of their assessed valuation I have kept away from the coun- 
try. They have had some of their plaguey flying policewomen after me and that plane coming 
from the northwest looks like one of them. Sorry to leave you, old dear, but I must be hopping 
off." 



16 



THE SQUIB- 



ODE TO POETRY 

(Another English 27 Prize Winner) 

T PULLED my chair up to my desk, 

Cursing this poem I confess, 
Wishing myself a poet true, 
All full of verses thru and thru, 
But all my wishes were for naught 
For this is what my fancy brought. 

Dan Chaucer, Milton, Walter Scott 
Were all good poets, I am not, 
Altho my heart with ardor j^earns 
To be a Wordsworth or a Burns, 
A-writing rhymes without a peer 
Like Thomas Gray or Bill Shakespeare, 
Or Tennyson or Sandy Pope 
Or Coleridge who took all the dope. 
I like Scott's Lady of the Lake 
And all the ghosts of William Blake, 
I like their style, I like their verse 
But — fear they '11 put me in my hearse ! 
And now my twenty lines are said 
It 's time for me to go to bed. 



S 



AMHERST? 

Bystander — Where are you going? 

Fire Dept. — There's a fire down in South Am- 
herst. 

Bystander — But there's another fire in North 
Amherst. 

Fire Dept. — Keep it going, I'll be right back. 



S 



A maiden lived out in Dakota, 

I knew her address and I wrote her, 
I offered my hand, my love unterstand, 
She queried, 

"What kind of a motor?" 



HEARD AMONG THE FUMES 

Chem. Prof, to Frosh — Give that pottasium 
cyanide to the assistant, and he will take it over 
in the corner. 

Frosh — If he onlv would. 



TENNIS WORSE THAN TWO 

Bill — "How did you come out in your tennis 
match with May ? ' ' 

Hen. — "Oh, I loved her and she hated me for 
it." 

S 

SOME 'ER JOB 

Jim — What kind of a job have you got for the 
summer ? 

Jams — One that's on the level. 

Lim — What doing, laying bricks? 

Jams — No, surveying. 



S 




WEMAyCOME: TOT IMS YET 
I P FAPETK KEEPS GOING UT? 

S 

ACTIONS SPEAK 

Bertha Mae — So you told Paul of your love ? 
Sister Clara — Well — a — not just exactly that — 
we just went through the motions. — Awgwan. 

S 

Rummy — Say, but I gotta swell job this sum- 
mer. Easy work. 

Roomy — I bite, what is it ? 

Rummv — Workin' in a bolt factory doin' 'nut- 
tin.' 

— The Widow. 



17 



THE SQUIB- 



"DEGINALD: Let's start a purity league and 
stop swearing for a given length of time. 
Dingbat: All right. 
Reginald : How long shall we make it ? 
Dingbat : Until 9.00 o 'clock. I start studying 
then. 



for Ag. Ec 



S 



TWO TRAVELING SALESMEN. 

1 — Well what's your business? / 

2- — Oh I am a salesman. 

1— What line? 

2— Salt. 

1 — I see, a salt cellar. 

2— Shake. 



rpHERE is a man at M. A. C. 

Who visits Smith quite frequently 
And when he finds a girl he likes 
And in some corner holds her tight 
She leans towards him and says "My Dear' ; 
Won't you take me to the Hop this year? 



S 



TTOWARD — "Did your aunt remember you in 
her will?" 
Henry — "Sure she did. Directed her executors 
to collect all the loans she had made me." 



S 



He put his arm around her waist. 

She said— not gently— " SIR ! " 
And as he gently lowered it 

She whispered, "As you were." 



Stude : Sir I want permission to b^ away three 
davs after the end of vacation. 



Dean: 


Ah, you want throe more days of 


••race ? 




Stude : 


No; three more days of Gertrude! 




S 




MEAN MAN 



The young bride in the Saxe-blue jumper bit 
her bun sadly. "Men are really too mean for 
anything," she said. "What's the trouble asked 
the girl in the pink georget sash, toyuj£ with an 
eclair. "Why, I asked John for a motor-car to- 
day and he said that I must be contented with 
the splendid carriage that Nature had given me. ' ' 

— Pearson's Weekiy. 



S 



AN IMPOSSIBILITY 

Dr. Crabbe had almost succeeded in dismissing 
Mrs. Gassoway, when she stopped in the doorway 
exclaiming, "Why, doctor, you didn't look to see 
if my tongue was coated. ' ' 

"I know it isn't" said the doctor wearily. "You 
never find grass on a race track." 



S 



We could all have automobiles, but who wants 
to be bothered with the weekly payments. 

S 

YOU SAID SOMETHING 

She — How did you get home, vacation? 

He — Hocking* 

She — Hocking Valley? 

He — No, hocking clothes. — Sun Dial. 



Helpful Glasses 



Students appreciate the help of our accurately-fitted, properly-designed glasses. 

Good eyesight is essential to good work, and you cannot afford to neglect your eyes. Come 
to us for an examination — we understand eyes. 

THE PARK COMPANY, Inc. 

An Optical Shop of Distinctive Beauty and 
Superior Service 

257 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



18 



HOTEL NONOTUCK 

HOLYOKE, MASS. 

A Most Desirable Stopping Place For 

Business Men and Tourists 

Dancing in the main restaurant every evening, 
except Sunday, jram 7 to 11.30 

SYNCOPATED ORCHESTRA 

Special Concert Every Sunday Evening 



PLAZA THEATRE 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

PICK O'THE WORLD 
PHOTOPLAYS 

FROM FAMOUS PRODUCERS PRESENTING 

America's Greatest Stars 

PROGRAM CHANGED DAILY 
Frederick P. Belmont, Mgr. 





\ 

I Mother — "Mary, dear, I hope you always re- 
j ject all the advances of those college boys. ' ' 

c 

Mary — "Yes, Mother, whenever one of them 
throws me a kiss I always throw it right back." 

— Brown Jug 



♦ ♦•;■♦ 

CEMENT FOR A JOKE! 

Dink— "Let 'seat." 
Dunk— "Where '11 we go?" 
Dink — "Let's eat up the street." 
Dunk — "No, thanks. Don't care for asphalt." 

— Brown Jug 



♦ 



? i 



I 



"My boy's letters from college always send me 
to the dictionary. ' ' 

| "You're lucky. My boy's always send me to 

| the bank." 

s 

I — Awgwan 

i 

I ^i<«B»i)'am"i«»i)-C^i)«B->)<E»i)«^ii'^»ii«»ii^»i:«»n«^i)-fl^i)4i»i)«I»ij«»ii'«ai»i)^»ii'«»ii I 

!-— " 



WELL, WELL 

A modest girl was Violet Dale, 

So modest, coy and shy; 
She always wore a dotted veil 

To clothe her naked eye. 

— Lehigh Burr 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

"Do you think that I can make her happy?" 

' ' Well she will always have something to laugh 
at! 

— Yale Record 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

It — ' ' Corkin ' day. What do you say to a tramp 
in the woods?" 

She — "Sir, I never speak to them!" 

— Brown Jug 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

HEAVY STUFF 

She — "How many hours are you carrying?" 

He — "Oh, I'm carrying about five, and drag- 
ging ten." 

— Orange Peel 



i 



Hardware 



ALBERT B. BIAS 



Catering for 



J THE MUTUAL PLUMBING & HEATING 00. j PROMS, BATS, INFORMAL DANCES j 

i ! 



Amherst 



».D«»(><K»i)'1 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOAED AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



PAPER CITY ENGRAVING CO., Inc. j 



OUR REPUTATION FOR MARKED 
SUPERIORITY IS UNIQUE 



MAKERS OF HIGH GRAPE 

Plates for Printing 

ILLUSTRATORS AND ARTISTS 

Radcliffe Building 
Phone 700 Holyoke, Mass. 

PROMISING 

Sadie — "I notice that Clara has been playing 
around with just about anyone who asked her, in 
the last few weeks." 

Sue — "Yes, rather prom — iscuously." 

— Gargoyle 

♦ ♦ ♦ 
HEARD AFTER EXAMS 
"You look tired tonight, what's the matter?" 
"I am tired, I have a job." 
"And when did you start?" 
"Tomorrow." 

— Lehigh Burr 



A DESIRABLE POSITION 

Anode — "Mabel's dress reminds me of the Sat- 
urday Evening Post." 

Cathode— "How's that?" 

Anode — "She runs a full page cut advertise- 
ment for a frontispiece." 

— Voo-Doo 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Black — "Did you ever go fishing with a girl?" 

White— "Once." 

Black — "Did she protest against hurting the 
fish?" 

White — "No, she said she was sure they were 
all perfectly happy because they were wagging 
their tails." 



! 



WE ARE THE BEST 
WE ADMIT IT 



SODAS- 



SUNDAES 



•|_ 



CHOCOLATES 



KINGSLEY'S, Inc. 

The Attractive Store 

140 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 



s 

I 

s 

— Voo-Doo | 

o 

I 



How well do I remember, 

It was late in last December, 

I was walking down the street in manly pride, 

My heart began to flutter, 

And I fell into the gutter, 

A pig came up and laid down by my side. 

As I lay there in the gutter, 

With my heart still all a flutter, 

A lady passing by did chance to say — 

You can tell a man that boozes 

By the company he chooses, 

And the pig got up and slowly walked away. 

— Voo-Doo 



The New and Beautiful 

HOTEL 

BRIDGWAY 

Bridge Street and Broadwav 

SPRINGFIELD 

Business Men's Lunch, 12 to 2.30, 75c. 
Dinner, 6 to 8.30, $1.50 
Informal Dancing Every Evening from 10 to Midnight 
Excellent Music by the Bridgway Orchestra 

GEORGE A. LEONARD 

Vice-President and Resident Manager 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



\ UNITED STATES HOTEL | 



THE 



Beach, Lincoln and Kingston Sts 

BOSTON, MASS 

j Only two blocks from South Terminal Station, and 
easily reached from North Station by Elevated Bail- 
way, and convenient alike to the great retail shops 
and business center, also to the theatres and places 
of interest. 

European Plan $1.50 per Day 
and Upwards 

Table and service unsurpassed. 
I Booklet and map sent upon application 

I TILLY HAYNES, JAMES C. HICKEY, 

f Proprietor Manager 



E. J. GARE & SON j 

< l . l I I - ■IIMII M I UI !■. ■ ! — ■BgHMgMy 

112 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. I 

i 
i 



"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look oVer 
our stock at any time. 



CARL SCHY 



Mrs. B. — "I can't understand why my son 
spends so much time over at your place. ' ' 

Mrs. C. — "I was listening last night and I think 
the boys are planning to marry soon. Charles 
continually said he would raise one and my Bill 
made it two. ' ' 

—Froth 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

"Did you accept the Phi Pi's bid?" 
"Had to, they bid me adieu." 

—Froth 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

HANGOVER IS HEAVY IN SUPERIOR COURT 

— Daily Paper 



Tailor 



WHY NOT TAKE HOME A FEW 



THINGS FOR SUMMER WEAR. 



F. M. THOMPSON & SON 



Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 



ARTHUR P. WOOD, Jeweler 

The Jewel Store of Northampton 
GRUEN WATCHES 

The recognized standard of Fine Watch mak- 
ing of today. 

Thin models, guaranteed to run within rail- 
road requirements. 

The most exclusive watch made. 

Watch & Clock Hospital Notes 

The one where patients receive proper treatment. 

197 Main St. Tel. 1307-M Opp. City Hall 



Quality 
PICTURE FRAMING 

If it's a Picture we can Frame it 
If it's a Frame we can Make it. 



j 

j Mr. Justin J. McCarthy is our agent at M. A. C. fl 

o 

TL Rt^nvoM Rnnlr & A*4 fn tin 



The FitzGerald Book & Art Co., Inc. 

196 High Street 
HOLYOKE, MASSACHUSETTS. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



!' 





Arrow 

collars ® Shirts 

FOLLOW THE ARROW AND YOU FOLLOW THE STYLE